Strength in weakness?

Today in church, we sang a worship song with the lyrics “All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.” Then the worship leader read this passage from 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I found myself shaking my head, so I sat down, and this is what I wrote:

“I know that You are MORE THAN ENOUGH for not just all of me, but all of everything. I KNOW that when I am weakest, I am strongest because You are ALL of my strength...But Lord, right now, I do not delight in my trials, my hardships, my pains; I do not boast gladly in my weaknesses...I do not rejoice in them, and I do know what that feels like. I am instead in a state of sorrow over them. My soul languishes as I tell myself Your truths with the hopes that my heart will believe them and allow the truth of You and Your sufficiency to replace the mess inside of me. It is a new time of holding on to Your promises and to Your truths while very little (if any) parts of me FEELS them to be true. But You know exactly where I am, and even in my floundering, I feel and see that You are gentle with me; I see Your hand moving around me, trying to dissipate my fears with Your kindness and Your love. 1 John 4:18 “Perfect love drives out fear.” I know You do not condemn me or shame me because of where I am. I know You open my eyes to see only what I can take in at that moment and that it is ok with You that I am right here. So if I have to settle in this place of great discomfort for this time, I ask only that You don’t leave me; don’t leave me alone and don’t leave me here.”

the realization of another loss

afraid to move
©3-9-13 hannah mclean

why do i hide?
do i hide from You?
or from another?
in my desperate desire for peace
it is as if i cannot bring myself
out into the open
for fear of what new burdens
i will be asked to lift.
i fear my muscles have atrophied
and i have not the courage to try.
skirting the outside
of my calling
i cautiously run my finger along the edge
wondering why i cannot bring myself
to leap in.
i have never been one to hold back
at Your requests
no matter the size or the impossibility,
and yet
though what You ask of me now
requires nothing from others
but only my own faith...
i falter.
why do i hide?
do i hide from You?
or do i hide from me?
perhaps i fear the toll of this past season
has drained me of the strength
to stand
when maybe You have only called me
to kneel;
i hold onto the testimonies of the past
afraid to allow new ones to form
for fear that i will fall
if i loosen my grasp
to reach for another.
i am afraid to look into the new depths
the new lengths
the new heights
the new widths
that this season has brought me to.
but why do i hide?
why would i fear Your love for me?

is it because of the pain it required
to bring me here?

i sincerely DO
want to know You
in this new place
i do not want to hide.
i just don’t know how to
open my eyes or
move my feet or
fold my hands
with the boldness i have grown
to expect of myself in days past.
and so i wait in the presence
of Your truth
for the faith to move.

a voice from the trenches

lift me up
©4-8-13 hannah mclean

dragged along the trenches
my body weakens as it grates across
the rocky surface
beneath my aching back
i struggle to rise
under the weight of
defeat...
declaring otherwise...
trying to convince myself
victory will come

why do You leave me here
bruised and bleeding
discouraged and tearful
floundering and afraid?

why will You not lift me up?

why do You leave me here
caked and corroded
in the pits beside the pathway
of hope
unable to stand
on my own feet
painfully aware of the insufficiency of
the strength i possess?

lift me up!
lift me out of this filthy place
encourage my heart and
remind me that i do not walk alone
Your presence matters
Your words are real
You are sufficient...
even when i cannot see You
or feel Your ever moving hand
or hear Your steady calming voice

i raise my shaking hand to You
and hoarsely whisper
“help me.
please.
please.
i cannot.”