Floundering thoughts

Discombobulated Considerations
©3-27-09 Hannah Muonio

My head is swirling with a thousand thoughts,
topics I would rather
just never crossed my mind;
Confusion has befriended me--
and not in a good way--
mixing the pleasures and the pains
until they’re a blended mess.

It would be easier,
I like to think,
if I just didn’t want the things I ponder...
but that just brings out another layer
to pile on the already discombobulated
jumble I have kept for consideration.

My heart and mind interact,
taking turns deceiving me.
Stupid heart.
Stupid mind.

So scattered is my concentration
I can’t seem to keep myself from floundering
arm and legs and head
spastic and stiff;
I want to push it all away
and yet, I cannot let it go;
I want to run until the horizon before and behind me is clear
and yet, my feet refuse to move;
I want to clear my mind and start over
and yet, I do not want to forget.

Things have changed.
I always thought the lack was hard,
and it still is,
but the visible and open realms that possibility
has presented bring whole new dimensions
to the confusion.

I desire to take things as they come
and only as far as I can see before me.
Rid of speculation,
expectation,
contemplation...
Freedom to consider and release
Freedom from my disarray of desires and realities.

justified by Christ

untitled two
© Hannah Muonio

Verse 1
creation groans beneath the weight of sin
wails of lament shudder through my body
as my face meets the dust

clinging filth surrounds me as the
bound are pushing, pulling at me as the
lost are laughing, sneering at me as the
blind are feeling pity for me

creation moans beneath the weight of sin
screams of pain tear through my body
as my heart shatters
surging sobs thunder in my ears

Verse 2
what, what can lift the burden
that now crushes?
who, who can bear the judgment
for my sin?
with holy justice You reign and
how, how can i stand before You?

Verse 3
Love desires for all salvation
Love says “arise and come away”
Love has moved our God to be the
price no mortal man could pay
Love declares the chosen righteous
Love maketh not afraid
Love will drive the broken sinner
to the grave where He was laid.

Lonesome song

untitled one
© Hannah Muonio

My heart is pounding out a steady beat
slow and somber as my sighs chime.
This lonesome woman’s sadness sings
a gentle melody.

Lifted in a prayer it flows
from lips in tearful, blue crescendos,
for no one sits beside this woman
to hear her song.

boldness reflects depth of need

i ask
©3/19/09 hannah muonio

i know i ask the world of You
i ask for impossible things
and i ask for them expectantly.

sometimes i tremble at my bold requests.

but i often ask
from a place of desperation
knowing of
and clinging to Your solidity
to Your charity
and to Your power.

i ask
aware of my inability
my fallibility
my instability
and my persistent and consistent need.

clinging to Your feet,
i dare to touch You.

adoringly,
i ask the world of You.
expectantly
boldly
desperately…
unapologetically.

response to exhortation

1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever.”

desire
©3-9-09 Hannah Muonio
1 Chronicles 28:9, 29:17

Lord, i desire to know You
through and through
Father, i desire to serve You
with the whole of my heart
and the will of my mind
every plan, every thought
when i seek You, i find
Father, i desire to serve You
through and through

Lord, i desire to please You
joy for joy
Jesus, i desire to see You
all Your glory and power
mighty hand, flawless face
majesty, victory
on Your great throne of grace
Jesus, i desire to see You
joy for joy

Lord, i desire to love You
more and more
Spirit, i desire to feel You
fill the all of my all
move the heart of my heart
let Your presence be known
be my seal, set apart
Spirit, i desire to feel You
more and more

eternal purpose, let me keep
eternal pleasures, on me spill
when i do not withhold
my whole heart, mind or will

Lord, i desire to know You
Father, i desire to serve You
Lord, i desire to please You
Jesus, i desire to see You
Lord, i desire to love You
Spirit, i desire to feel You

through and through
joy for joy
more and more

sit with Me a while

Ezekiel 34:15–16a "I Myself will be the shepherd of My sheep, and I Myself will make them lie down," declares the Lord GOD. "I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak..."

you need My touch
©3-7-09 Hannah Muonio

come
sit with Me a while
I wish to comfort you
to hold you in My everlasting arms
and care for you

come
sit with Me a while
rest your head upon My promises
let your tears fall
on the broad expanse of who I am
and let Me tend to you, My lamb

come
sit with Me a while
you are fragile, and I am gentle
you are broken, but I make whole
you are shaking, but I am steady

come
sit with Me a while
I know.
I know.

I know.

Singleness

My current thoughts on singleness
(and by current, I mean this particular moment in time)
© 2/16/09 Hannah Muonio

I am a single woman
I feel like every time I reach out my hand to change that
God says, “No. Bad.” and swats my hand away
like I’m a little kid reaching for some delicious baked good
that I can’t have
I find the situation a bit amusing
strangely interesting
and sadly frustrating
I am a single woman
I mostly like being single
I like the freedoms that come with it
the fact that I am mobile
and that when I want to do something
the only One I have to arrange things with
is God
I mostly feel satisfied with who and what
and where I am in life
But contentment doesn’t really touch on the confusion....
why NOT me?
Why did God create me the way He did?
Why does He keep me from what He seems to have designed me for?
But then, what do I know?
His ways are far above my ways
His wisdom far beyond me
it’s not that I doubt His goodness or that He knows what He’s doing
I just wish I understood
I am a single woman
everything about the way I was designed
points to serving the Lord alongside a man
and sometimes
I feel like a bundle of wasted gifts
kept by the Giver
instead of given to the recipient
Forgive me, Lord,
but I don’t get it
And so I ask You
please keep me so I don’t seek
what is outside of Your will for me
I am a single woman
and if this is where You want me
then here is where I’ll stay
And I’m sure that eventually
I will stop reaching for some gluten-filled pastry
that wasn’t meant for me

Life is so complicated.
*laugh*