Rewriting the narrative

Woman
©12/14/2021 Hannah McLean

I am not a broken thing
I am whole
I am a healing woman
[Isaiah 61:4]

I am not a worthless thing
I am loved
I am a dignified woman
[Proverbs 31:25]

I am not a helpless thing
I am kept
I am a fortified woman
[Psalm 18:31-35]

I am not a forgotten thing
I am known
I am an intentioned woman
[Psalm 139:16]

I am not a shameful thing
I am redeemed
I am a beautified woman
[Psalm 96:9]

I am not a silent thing
I am sealed
I am a joyful woman
[Psalm 16:11]

I am not a useful thing
I am filled
I am a devoted woman
[Psalm 40:3]

A thing has been
But a woman will be
For my identity comes not from my woundings
But from my Maker

What my ruin cannot rob me of

It was one of those day. They don’t happen often, maybe a handful of times in my life. I looked in the mirror and my involuntary reaction to what I saw was to weep. I bawled. The body of the person looking back at me was so broken, so fallen, so grotesque that the hope-extracting question that lingers in the back of my mind hit me like a whip and left a ringing in my ears: “Is my body so far gone that it is irreparable?” I wanted to respond with, “No. With God all things are possible;” but my memory knows the paths my body has walked and limped and staggered and dragged itself. So instead I let myself sink to the floor and give the tears the time they needed to fall.

When the wells of sorrow or disappointment or discouragement or whatever painful mix those salty waters held finally ran dry, I stood and dried my face as I heard myself whisper, “Grieve quickly the things you cannot change.”

Twenty years have taught me that it’s on the days like these that I know I need to cover my broken body with a garment of thankfulness. So as I opened the door that allowed me my moment of confrontation, I chose to be grateful that even in my state of perpetual ruin, I can still serve the Lord.

And with that truth a necessary crutch, I continue my limp as I wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow is a new day…and maybe that one will be the day of redemption.

———

John 12:1–3 “Six days before the Passover, Jesus therefore came to Bethany, where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they gave a dinner for him there. Martha served, and Lazarus was one of those reclining with him at table. Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.”

new seeds

Isaiah 43:16–19 “Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

a new thing
©10-27-2021 hannah mclean

Father
Maker of ways unseen
Opener of springs in dry places
Bringer of new life to barren lands
Source of prevailing hope

i set my mind on Heaven
i set my heart on the Is, Was and Will Be
i set my hands upon the plow
and move my feet onward

help me tend the land
where i stand
fallow ground no more
cast Your new seeds
and bring forth in me
Your vision
Your purpose for forming

i will worship and praise
with my feet upon the way
You unfurl before me

hidden no more
may my faith find sight

You formed
for Yourself
receive Your worth

the undoing

un
©10-10-2021 hannah mclean

it’s the words
that buried themselves
in the deepest parts
of me
hidden in places
i haven’t thought to seek
emerging from the shadows
in the moments
of my own emergence
to convince me
to back down
to remain within the confines
of their hinderances

unwanted
unaccepted
unnecessary
unwelcome
unknown

i know what it is
to be Lazarus
called out from my tomb
with new breath in my lungs
and grave clothes
binding what was once dead

but what of Jesus’ words before
the miracle of new life
“did I not tell you that if you believed
you would see the glory of God?”
a life redeemed is one of glory on display
the extent of which
is only fully seen in the unbinding
of the remnants of death

unwanted
unaccepted
unnecessary
unwelcome
unknown

my soul cries out
for deliverance from the pain
of these words
from their power to stifle
growth in me
from their enduring pursuit of
convincing me
to shut up the
wells of life
that begin to flow forth from
the places they seek to keep residence

the soul ties of silence
insist my knees bend
to their masterful reasoning
for only when my words
remain hidden inside my mouth
do these words
return to their crevices within

unwanted
unaccepted
unnecessary
unwelcome
unknown

but in the lifting of my ear
i hear resounding over
their degrading cadence
a different song
the sound of glad rejoicing
of love that quiets and
of exultation from holy lips
for He has tended to this broken
He has gathered in this outcast
He has taken on Himself this shame
He has brought near His side this one
who has stood wishing on the outside
and He has made known

for only in the presence
of the Lord my God
do the “un”s meet the silence
of their own undoing

wanted
accepted
necessary
welcome
known

 

----
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing. I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you will no longer suffer reproach. Behold, at that time I will deal with all your oppressors. And I will save the lame and gather the outcast, and I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth. At that time I will bring you in, at the time when I gather you together; for I will make you renowned and praised among all the peoples of the earth, when I restore your fortunes before your eyes,” says the Lord. ~ Zephaniah 3:17–20

from womb to woman

Psalm 139:13–18 “For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with You.”

foreknown
©9-28-2021 hannah mclean

as Your hands formed
Your eyes saw
not just what You were creating
but what i would become

with many thoughts
You molded me
weaving within my very being
what the touch of Your hands
feel like upon my life

the impressions of
Your holy fingerprints
brought me from
substance to soul
marking me in Your making
with the knowledge
of Your wonder

foreknown
for a purpose
unfolding as time
turns the days
ordained for me

and today i worship
for even now
from womb to woman
i am still with You

A poem from my time in Isaiah 58

"And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt, you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in." Isaiah 58:11–12

o Father Who stands with me
in flames
and forges through the wilderness
when gales of sand and wind
whip my face
Who hears my voice
cry out through mouth
parched and
jaw pained from gritted teeth

o Father who fills
faster than life draws
to You my knees bow
my hands lift up
and my heart wholly reaches

i thirst
i come
You fill
until
i overflow

o Father Who brings the good growth
Who gives courage to break up fallow ground
Who gives strength to uproot weeds that strangle
and dislodge rocks that hinder
make me a watered garden
nourished from within and out
by Holy love

strengthen my bones
make me stand tall
my backbone unshakeable
my legs unbreakable
my hands strong enough
to build
to raise up
to repair
to restore
be the fortitude that forges
through my being
planted by Your hands
with precision
and permission
to being glory to You
make me able to bear up
beneath the weight that
falls upon my shoulders

o Father
all sufficient
i rest inside Your keeping

A meditation on Psalm 73: "Nevertheless"

I’ve been reading Psalm 73 the last few days and my meditations on the truths there have been so powerful and timely for me that I wanted to share them with you.

Before I launch into the passage I want to speak specifically about, I’m going to give you a brief overview of what’s going on in this psalm. The psalmist here is looking at the world around him and he sees incredible wickedness; people are doing terrible things, oppression is rampant and people marked by arrogance, violence, mockery, and evil are prospering. They are flourishing in the world, with just blatant disregard for God and certainty that there is no consequence for their actions. And the psalmist is looking at all this happening and is crying out, “Why do the wicked prosper?! What is going on?!” He’s like, “God, I have not joined them, so why do I suffer and they flourish?” And finally, it says he goes into the house of the Lord and God shows him their end.
    If you are struggling with what you see in the world around you and want clear vision, that comes from the Lord, go get in His presence and seek Him.

The last portion of this psalm ends with the passage I want to talk about. Verses 23–26:
“NEVERTHELESS, I am continually with You: You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

My favorite word in this entire Psalm is “nevertheless.” This word is a hinge between the beginning and the end of this psalm. The verses before are in 3 pieces: First, the psalmist lays out his complaint before God: Why do the wicked prosper?! Second, he goes into the house of the Lord and sees things through God’s eyes. And third, he is humbled. Right before this passage, the psalmist lays out his heart before God…and it is tainted by sin. He confesses that his heart is pricked and his soul is embittered…not just a bitter heart, but a bitter soul—your soul is the entirety of your being. In watching the evil unfold in the world around him and seeking to understand it with his own eyes, he became bitter and his actions overflowed in sin toward God: He says, “I was brutish and ignorant, I was like a beast toward You.”
    We must be very cautious; if we try to navigate the evils of this world in our own strength, vision and righteousness, we will find ourselves overcome by the darkness.

This “nevertheless” is gloriously full. It is full of wonder, of mercy and grace, of humility…and it leads to worship.

    When we seek God for clear vision, He doesn’t just show us one angle. We see 3 things in this Psalm that He gives us clear vision of: He showed the psalmist that the wicked’s prospering had an end. He gave the psalmist a greater understanding of God—that He is a God of righteousness and justice who will eventually make all things right. And He revealed to the psalmist the condition of his own heart. Because here’s the truth, there’s not such thing as “good people” and “bad people”…here are just sinful people who need Jesus…and some of us are already clinging to Him to be counted righteous before a holy God, and some of us are not yet.

And I love this “nevertheless”…the psalmist has seen the righteous justice of God and it has revealed the wickedness of his own heart. He had tried to understand the world around him in his own strength, he had RIGHTLY cried out against wickedness and RIGHTLY desired justice. He had suffered and observed oppression and had risen up when there seemed to be no consequence for the evil he saw and experienced. But to maintain a pure heart before the Lord when we try to understand the world around us, it is vital that we go to Him to process because on our own we are no less wicked apart from Jesus that the ones we cry out against.

And this psalmist sees that. And you can almost hear his sigh of relief as He says, “Nevertheless, I am continually with you.” I’m still with You! You’re still with ME! You hold my hand so my flesh does not cast me down completely. You are so kind to offer me Your counsel when I cry out, You are so faithful to guide me. And I marvel that even now, You will still receive me into glory. Nevertheless.

And I love that this full and humble sigh leads to a heart that pours out in worship: My longing is YOU, Lord! My desire is YOU! My strength is YOU! My portion is YOU! At the end of the day, You are all I want and I have You.

When our response to the wickedness and injustice around us reveals the wickedness of our own hearts, let us rejoice, delight and wonder at the “nevertheless” that we find in the mercy of God. Because we must remember that our God is His beauty is incredibly patient. He knows the end of all things, and with Him, justice delayed is not justice denied. It is just that He does not want ANYONE, no matter how vile, to die without knowing salvation in Jesus. And so He waits. And as people who believe He is righteous and just, we must humble ourselves before Him. And it can be so painful to wait with Him. We must lament how our impatience can lead to bitterness of heart and soul, and how this effects the way we view our Holy, timely God. And we must marvel and cling to our own “nevertheless” and the mercy it holds as we consider with clarity things through God’s eyes. Let us be worshipers of God in the face of wickedness and oppression.

Because at the end of the day, you and I need Jesus…no matter how many years we walk with Him, we will never need Him less. And what a glory it is to say, “nevertheless” He’s with me! He keeps me when I struggle with sin, He guides me with His counsel when I can’t see the whole picture, and He afterward will still receive me to glory! Whom have I in heaven but You, God?! Earth has NOTHING I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail again and again and again…but glory be, YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion FOREVER.

So I leave you with this: IF you are struggling to see past our unraveling society and what it holds, cry out to God for vision. And then repent. Marvel. And Worship.

“Nevertheless”