Singleness

My current thoughts on singleness
(and by current, I mean this particular moment in time)
© 2/16/09 Hannah Muonio

I am a single woman
I feel like every time I reach out my hand to change that
God says, “No. Bad.” and swats my hand away
like I’m a little kid reaching for some delicious baked good
that I can’t have
I find the situation a bit amusing
strangely interesting
and sadly frustrating
I am a single woman
I mostly like being single
I like the freedoms that come with it
the fact that I am mobile
and that when I want to do something
the only One I have to arrange things with
is God
I mostly feel satisfied with who and what
and where I am in life
But contentment doesn’t really touch on the confusion....
why NOT me?
Why did God create me the way He did?
Why does He keep me from what He seems to have designed me for?
But then, what do I know?
His ways are far above my ways
His wisdom far beyond me
it’s not that I doubt His goodness or that He knows what He’s doing
I just wish I understood
I am a single woman
everything about the way I was designed
points to serving the Lord alongside a man
and sometimes
I feel like a bundle of wasted gifts
kept by the Giver
instead of given to the recipient
Forgive me, Lord,
but I don’t get it
And so I ask You
please keep me so I don’t seek
what is outside of Your will for me
I am a single woman
and if this is where You want me
then here is where I’ll stay
And I’m sure that eventually
I will stop reaching for some gluten-filled pastry
that wasn’t meant for me

Life is so complicated.
*laugh*

Gratitude

Thank You, Father
©2-16-09 Hannah Muonio

Thank You, Father.
Lord and King
and Savior and Desire of my soul
to You I bring
a heart of praise and thanks
that makes my knees to bow
and eyes to weep
and lips to sing

Thank You, Father.
Life and Light
and Creator and Ruler of my being
to You I write
a verse of awe and magnitude
for You have let me stand with mouth agape
in midst of love
in true delight

Thank You, Father.
Hope and Friend
and Keeper and Giver of my peace
to You I send
a prayer of joy and longing
for face-to-face eternal worship of You
when crowns are thrown
and nations bend

trying to step around you

when the heart wants
and the mind knows
©12-22-08 Hannah Muonio

my mind drolly rolls
bowling over emotions
scattering affections that just have to go
this stubborn heart
unchanging
frustrating
mind cannot conquer
and yet refuses to admit defeat

a slow joust
between understood and beyond:
mind fathoms but heart disagrees
logic crushes but heart clings
reason quenches but heart beats
pain meets beauty face to face and turns away
reality rushes headlong into hope and cannot penetrate

but a will to not wallow
intervenes in this stalemate of heart and mind
to learn to walk when
what is and what cannot be cripples

and so it goes
my heart skips soulfully
and my mind drolly rolls

my full desire.

Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple."

enraptured by You
©12-9-08 hannah muonio

who am i?
i wonder
that You would call my name
that i might follow
and adore You and attain
a spotless Lamb to purify
my filth and stain
yes, who am i?

how can i serve?
i wonder
for what purpose You would will
to use my trembling
hands, feet, lips, life, for still
with weakness i an empty vessel
my Lord, to fill
how can i serve?

my God,
to be loved
by You is the very breath
of life itself
my God,
to speak with You
my source of joy I find myself
enraptured by
my God,
to worship and
adore You
my God,
to fall to my knees
my face before You
my God,
to sing and to pray
night and day
my God,
to love You
is the greatest call
to which i desire
take my all

who am i?
i am Yours
chosen and set apart
deep thanks
flowing from a heart
of flesh
and i wonder where to start
worship

not forgotten.

i want for something
©11-25-08 Hannah Muonio

i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

but i do not know Your plans
i do not know Your thoughts
and i do not understand Your ways.

i know that You see me
with a clarity that far surpasses my own
smudged perception.
wills, wants, worries
crumpled in my wringing hands
can only be redeemed in Yours…
so why am i afraid
to let them go?

i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

i wish i could say
that i want for nothing.
but truth be told
lack pains me.
but deeper yet,
my desire for nothing apart from You
so here i am.

my heart is sick with hope deferred
but still my whole person
fights for what You’ve given me to hold.

i am alone
why have You left me alone?






and yet
i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

Proclamation

nothing less than all
© 10/6/08 Hannah Muonio

to proclaim
Your name
my voice could never speak
loud enough
a faint whisper it seems
is all my lips can provide
in relation to the
volume it deserves--
but Lord, with all my voice
let me speak

to proclaim
Your name
my life i give to add
to the chorus that my
trembling lips sing
a unified dance
calling for others to join in--
with nothing less than all
let me give

to proclaim
Your name
my prayers i lift
in the quiet of time with You
heard by Your ears alone
asking You to move
in bringing voices of proclamation
to my side

to proclaim
Your name
my hands in service move
to love and serve
desiring in return
nothing for me
and ALL for You

to proclaim
Your name
my heart i offer up
longing that i not withhold
a single ounce
of what i am
when looking in the face
of what You are--
a broken heart in need of healing
but it is wholly Yours

o Lord,
to proclaim
Your name
that all might know You--
my full desire

real struggles. real Hope.

a desire for joyful submission
©8-10-08 hannah muonio

binding will
blocking
full surrender
fallen woman
longs
to be complete

undone

not forgotten
striving
to be patient
obedient woman
desiring
grateful joy

unsettled

oh break my unbending fingers
free me from this painful clinging
oh melt my stubborn heart
right my affections for You
let me let go

looking around
seeing
no comparison
sinful woman
weeps
in weakness

shame

no longer
willing
to dishonor You
fighting woman
falls
at Mercy’s cross

hope

deeper love
yearning
rises in prayer
humble woman
bows
and worships You

freedom

"It is finished"

Watch and Pray
©6-11-08 Hannah Muonio

Circling lion all around
stalks me as its helpless prey
Paws to crush me press the ground
Knowing I can’t run away

As it paces in its scheming
Confident repeated stride
In my ears the fallen screaming
Those who feed the lion’s pride

Lion’s mouth is always open
Sweetly sounds its fiercest roar
Echoing with great momentum
From the ruin it left before

See the lion in its canter
seeking whom it may devour
Watchfully avoid its banter
Lest you snub God’s saving power

Persevering in each moment
Striving toward the heavenly gate
Lion flees but won’t relent
‘Til Christ returns to it abate

Surprised and Unashamed

Confusion: Doubtless and Pure
©6-3-08 Hannah Muonio

At the peak
of this moment in time
I totter
as I seek
to find my balance

A strange new
height I now find myself
looking ‘round
Clouds, dark blue
yet sun warms my face

Unexpected
Truths I know, You affirm
so baffling
Directed
I cling to Your word

Deep affection
I had not known I held
pour from me
Full devotion
Of my fallen person

Ground below
vast snares I am fighting
separation
For I know
what I am apart

Honor, glory
do I long to bring You
in my shaking--
That You see
spurs perseverance

Unwaning
hope lies in who You are
Faithful Father
Sustaining
You hold me close

At the peak
of this moment in time
I totter
peace I seek
amid confusion

Complexity of Life

sometimes life is hard
©4-21-08 Hannah Muonio

life is so...
complex...
jumbled i stumble
surrounded by things
i cannot know
and so i’m vexed
fear enters
and exits as if in a
revolving door
countenance shines
through falling
tears and broken calling
seeking more
of You
grounded, but confused
rooted, yet adrift
i twirl
sometimes joy driven
and sometimes just bemused
life is so...
complex...
broken i’m healing
old and yet made new
wanting what’s coming
walking from what
is past
learning to flex
from all this bending
and yet
grounded, i’m waiting
on You to act
i laugh
sometimes hope driven
and sometimes doubt grating
clinging
to You
is all I know to do
when swirling in this furling
complex...
life

True Freedom

Mark 5:40-42
And they laughed at him. But He put them all outside and took the child’s father and mother and those who were with Him and went in where the child was. Taking her by the hand He said to her, "Talitha cumi," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise." And immediately the girl got up and began walking (for she was twelve years of age), and they were immediately overcome with amazement.

arise
©1/08 hannah muonio

dead in my sins, i lay
held down by chain and lock
the key to which
i’d thrown away--
bartered for a pleasure
long since faded

dead--but not numb
to pain and empty heart and flesh
i lifeless lay upon my
hardened prison floor

'til through the darkness
Your gentle voice like
healing balm on battered being flowed
“little girl, I say to you
arise”

To the man I will marry.

Marriage-Verse 2
©4-2-08 Hannah Muonio

Let your feet fall into step
beside mine
Let your hand reach out
to lead me
Let your eyes never leave
your Lord and Savior
Just draw me after you
and let us run

A painful laugh

I was journaling, and I wrote that someone at work had made a comment to me about a good place for me to bring a date and I had laughed...and suddenly, it made me really sad that I found the thought of me being in a relationship to be laughable.

Marriage-Verse 1
©3-31-08 Hannah Muonio

I hate that I laugh
at the thought
of a heart's desire satisfied
That hope once
dancing atop
Your promises has been beat down
I hate that possibility
has dissipated
and absurdity has taken its place

I hate that I laugh
at the thought
of a heart's desire satisfied
Because it means
I look into Your face and say
"I don't believe."

Let Your faithfulness
restore my hope
And Lord,
not my will
but Yours be done

God works in many ways.

John 6:67–68
So Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

Living Truth
©2-24-08 Hannah Muonio

There are things I know to be true
and whether I can explain to you
in words that meet your ears
and ring as real...
With tears
I will defend the work that God has done
inside this woman
hear my appeal.

I was raised in church, unfree and more,
told there was no other door
through which I could walk
and be met with truth
or godly talk
And the God that I had shown to me
was just to pour His fury
on this youth.

And so when age was on my side
I hurried far from true and tried
and walked my chosen path
An ugly road of sin
with aftermath
that beat this girl, with heart depraved
until searing wounds engraved
bore through skin

And somewhere on this cratered road
The Lord, in mercy, calmly told
A crumpled, empty heap
of flesh the facts--
joy that leaps
will not be found apart from God above
and nor will Love
“You’ll die from lack”

Informed of truth of what is real
In light of God’s direct appeal
I did not know, and
worse, not care
enough to stand
And seek to know the depth of God
that ran past rod
I did not dare

And so I walked, in utter shame
Away from God, and racked up blame
My sinful flesh I tore
opened wide
and daily bore
a load of guilt that would
make the very worst look good
when set beside.

I don’t know when or how or why
but God refused to let me die
and my feet made way
inside the church
from past day
Where my father opened up the Word
and spoke of Love I once had heard
my heart did lurch

And since I gave my life to Him
submitted all my fleshly whim...
The past He cleansed
atoned by Christ
His blood contends
Where stone was, He placed a softened heart
My life, with love, He set apart
His grace suffice

I have often tried to sort it out
How could this change have come about?
I know with certainty
this work of God
was not from me
Instead, with awe, I weeping know
God’s built His truth into my soul
there's no facade.

Urgency

Move
©11-7-07 Hannah Muonio

Oh, the cry of my heart
“Lord, move!”
Urgent pleas pull loud words
from within
For they tremble and rage
but the depth they portray
passes human--
Oh, Spirit prove

Oh, the song of my heart
“Lord, move!”
Urgent joy longs for more
of my God
For is flows and it sails
over lips of this frail
woman shod--
Oh, Spirit prove

Oh, the prayer of my heart
“Lord, move!”
Not ceasing, nor longing
subsides
For they rise to my King
in His ear they now ring
I abide--
Oh, Spirit prove.

“Lord, move!”
No other word will do
Constant cry
Rising Song
Deepest prayer
This heart longs--
Oh, Spirit prove
Oh, Lord, move!

Humility

Humble Vision
©7-13-07 Hannah Muonio

What beautiful humility
that I might settle deep
amid the rising swell
of He who giveth grace
to those who fall.
What beautiful humility
that I might call to mind
His answers to my pleas
and marvel at the know'
of mercies flowed to one like me.

What beautiful humility
that I might praise my King
Who sits at heights
revealed anew
within this vale.
What beautiful humility
that I might depth of worship bring
at each new sight
and light atop the Strength
that cannot fail.

What beautiful humility
that I might rest
and revel in my less
that He is seen here all the more.

To Delight

A lovely gift; to delight
© 5/31/07 Hannah Muonio

Tis lovely to delight
in glorious things that satisfy
and mercies poured on me
by Might
and Majesty
For body, soul and spirit
light
now dance fulfilled
amid the holiness
and will
of God Himself
and joy--full--spills
And so from heart that longs
to bring
and know
and cling
to my Father’s glory
I sit and write;
Tis lovely to delight.

Amen

Complete

And from this place, I worship You
©5/7/07 Hannah Muonio

These heights revealed—
I fly to—
lead straight to depths I’d never known
where adoration fills my heart
and love captivates
and worship pours to You alone
Deep desires cling to their Source
Open hands receive what You offer
And feet dance atop the Rock
that is higher than many “I”s
These heights revealed—
I fly to—
lead straight to depths I’d never known
and oh, Your worth
and oh, Your being
and oh, Your gift that I might know
these heights revealed
these depths unknown
that satisfy the very core of what I am

Compassion

As God looks at His people, He says, "My heart recoils within me and my compassion grows warm and tender." Consider this. When do you feel compassion? Why do you feel compassion? And what state must we be in to cause God to look at us in this way?

A Sinner Loved By God
©11-4-06 Hannah Muonio
Inspired by the book of Hosea

I look internally and ask myself
what must I be
to set the God of all things seen and not
ablaze with deep compassion?
A God from whom
I turn away in sin and steal my life
from Him who paid its price
What must I be?

What must I be
to cause the heart of God Himself to recoil
within His holy chest whene'er He looks on me?
A God on whom
I wage a war and push away as often as I
wake each day.
What must I be?

"Return--He pleads--to Me
and I will bind your wounds in bands of love
and teach you how to walk.
Don't stay--He pleads--amid
the state you're in for I cannot bear
to leave you there.
Draw near--He pleads--My side
and in compassion I will cover you
with mercy and with grace.
Only turn--He pleads--not away
from Me,
but see yourself as what you are."

And so I look internally and ask myself
what must I be
To set the God of all things seen and not
ablaze with deep compassion?
What must I be
To cause the heart of God Himself to recoil
within His holy chest whene'er He looks on me?
What must I be
To hear a plea fall from the lips of He
who rules eternity?

The answer comes
With cords of grief and hope and awe entwined;
I am a sinner loved by God.

The Broad and the Narrow

So, I was reading this:
Psalm 18:19 “He brought me out into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.”

And thought of this:
Matthew 7:14 “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”

And wrote this:
The Broad and the Narrow
©3/29/07 Hannah Muonio

So human are my eyes and mind
that search the Word as if to find
an answer to the age old thoughts
of narrow roads and hardships wrought
of why God’s called His child to tread
a path that many face with dread

But only with my human mind
the path to life appears confined.

For where my mortal eyes will fail
the Spirit’s open to unveil
the path to life is only small
when set amid man’s mighty fall
it’s only when temptations cling
the path looks strait and harrowing

But when one sees the Lord is dear
The path to life feels broad and clear.

For much delight the Lord will give
Himself and those who to Him live
in making up all that we lack
in giving all we can’t give back
For who could break neath such a love
as God has given from above?

Such joy comes when we truth attain;
to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Broken Poetry

Fire and Glory
©1/9/07 Hannah Muonio
Zechariah 2:5

Wrong turns lead far down crumbling paths
Pride makes recovery take all the more
Choices not to be taken back
Memories too memorable to forget
Realizations too painful not to realize
And yet I am
still standing spite the heaping stones
and shattered wreckage of life’s mistakes
Rolls through my mind these words
“I will be a wall of fire around her and the Glory in her midst”

What strength lifts head above surroundings
and shoulders slouched neath weighty sin
Holds firm legs wishing to collapse for ease
and spine vanished
What power can uphold this tarnished mass
And yet I am
looking over heads of enemies
and holding out hand with steady palm
Rolls cross my heart these words
“I will be a wall of fire around her and the Glory in her midst”

Should it not be pits of despair I rest in
a hopeless dark I stumble through
a broken bed I thrash as not to rest
Should not my fallen state steal joy and peace
and all things good from neath my feet
And yet I am
upheld with calm mid stormy gusts
and deep delight fills overflowing from within
Rolls round and through my being these words
“I will be a wall of fire around her and the Glory in her midst”

For declares my Lord, “A wall of fire I will be
around her
In the midst of her I will be
the Glory”