A long awaited opportunity to say, "Thank you."

Dear Jhosselin,

It has been almost three years since I got that life-changing phone call in the early hours of the morning; my mother’s voice on the other end of the line telling me my brother had been killed. The cry and the silence in the moments that followed contained the knowledge that the pain of sorrow had just permeated my life and was about to sweep over my family with transforming waves of excruciating measure.

As the story unfolded over the next year and a half, we heard there was an airman who had arrived at the scene and stayed with Noah. Today, I found out that that airman was you.

I wish there were words to express to you how I am feeling right now.

Do you know what you did for my family?

You watched over our beloved Noah when we couldn’t...We have sat beside 2 others in our ranks as they breathed their last, but Noah died suddenly on the side of the road in a state far away. We weren’t there to hold his hand or stroke his head or let him go or send him off in a shower of our tears; we didn’t get to remind him that we loved him or assure him that we’d see him again. Miles separated us.

But you were there, Jhosselin. You stopped and you gave us an incredible gift when you stayed beside him. You gave us your time and your presence and the sweetness of knowing that he was not alone; because you were brave and you were there.

And to say “thank you” seems so minute a statement in relation to the proportion of kindness you showed my family.

I thank you for your gift to us: You counted the trauma you would have to endure by encountering someone in his broken state as worth the cost. You chose to stop and you chose to stay amid the bloody mess of a life lost because you counted this stranger in a pool of blood as someone’s loved one.

And he was loved, SO loved.
And he is missed, SO missed.

And though my words fail, my gratitude toward you is immense, and I pray the Lord would pour blessing over you that is far greater than I could ever think to ask or imagine.

With so much love,
Hannah

Bold faith.

Bold faith.

How many of us hope that we can be bold in our faith as we face life’s questions and circumstances and pains? We have grand visions of standing up tall and blazing through closed doors and red tape as if they never existed; miraculous deliverance or provision in our hands; looking into the face of the enemy with a willingness to take on any punishment for our faith. These things are definitely bold acts by a bold God.

But I have observed (and because of my tendency to find comfort in control, God often called calls me to this) bold faith that is much quieter...much more invisible to the naked eye, with no applause or spotlight, sometimes even unnoticed by anyone who wasn't watching for God's hand.

When I think of bold faith, I think of two categories of stories in scripture:

I think of stories like David--a shepherd, not yet a king--who walks through the armies of Israel and stands face to face with the giant Goliath; who RUNS toward the weapon-wielding enemy of God holding a sling and 5 stones but COMPLETELY confident in the name of the Lord of Hosts. Of Elijah upon the mountain with 450 prophets of Baal; erecting an altar, soaking it with water, and calling down fire from heaven to prove to Israel that Yahweh is the one true living God. Or of the 12 disciples walking through the crowds of 5,000+ with baskets and the hope to feed them from the 5 loaves and 2 fishes which multiplied in their hands. Whoa, BOLD faith. Visible, celebrated, honorable before the eyes of many.

And then I think of stories like Moses facing the armies of Egypt and hearing from God, “I will fight for you, you need only be silent.” (Exodus 14:14) Of Jehoshaphat who faced a multitude of enemies in prayer and was told, “You will not need to fight in this battle, stand firm, hold your position and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf.”(2 Chronicles 20:17) And of the children of Israel on their way out of the desert who were told, “Hear, Israel, today you are drawing near for battle against your enemies: Let not your heart faint. Do not fear or panic or be in dread of them, for the Lord your God is He who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.” (Deuteronomy 20:3–4)

Because boldness of faith isn’t about our visibility, our strength or us in any way, really. It is simply about our provision of opportunity to allow the Lord to be Who and what He is; it is about choosing to let our faith to take over as we face life’s circumstances and pains because the One in whom we trust is faithful.

Bold faith.
Sometimes it is bold to run and shout
and sometimes it is bold to be still and silent.

"as the heavens are higher than the earth..."

greater than
©5-11-15 hannah mclean

Lord
You have shown me
again and again and again
You are bigger than
the limits of my imagination
You are greater than
the desires of my heart
You are without limits

a year crowned with Your goodness
and dripping with Your abundance
has bounds beyond
the horizons i see
and overflow beyond the
reservoirs from which i now drink

and even still
more than abundance of blessing
on me
i desire abundance of worship
on You
for Your goodness is a crown upon my life
surrounding and sustaining
eternally marked by love

because Your ways
and Your love always meet
a blazing Truth in the moments
when promise meets pain

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:9
“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him” Psalm 103:11

Theo David McLean

I found out today that I did, in fact, lose my baby.

I had been hoping, truly hoping, that I was just another one of the 20-40% who bleed during pregnancy.

When I shared the test results with my sister, she apologized for helping me hope. But honestly, I would rather spend my time hoping than worrying; I would rather waste my time hoping than waste it despairing; I would rather run the risk of greater disappointment because I hoped than run the risk of being broadsided by good news because I was wallowing in anxiety and fear. I am grateful for her hope that filled in the gaps of my own; a lovely gift to help the time pass by without the pain it could have held. Thank you, sister friend, for helping me hope.

It’s been a strange few days between the first tears I shed and the affirmation that my son didn’t make it.

First I became vividly aware that though his life was still news to me, my heart already loved him. I wept for a life I only knew existed for 6 days and for the pain of possibly being separated from this tiny child who not only rested beneath my heart, but who already filled it.

And then I sat in prayer on Wednesday, praising the Lord with an honest heart. And as we sang and worshipped and blessed Him, I felt my womb cramping as the life inside it was snuffed out. And I thought how strange it felt to rejoice in Life as death occurred inside of me.

Because I think I knew, even though I held out hope that I was wrong, I knew he was gone that day: May 6, 2015.

I named him as I sat before the Lord that night. Theo, which means “divine gift.” Something that is divine is either something that is from the Lord or something that is for the Lord. I knew that Theo was a gift from God, and as I sat in wait and wonderment at the reality I faced, I told the Lord that He wouldn’t have to take my son from me. If He wanted my child to bypass earth, I would give him to the Lord with an open heart. Because a gift is always given, never taken. “Come what may,” I told Him, “Theo is a divine gift.”

God is good, you know. When my doctor called me, I was with my family; the ones who have walked with me through all my losses. Their tears were real as they hugged me; their hugs were full of that physical love that assures me things will be ok. And I was grateful that, though the place to receive the news was not ideal, the people were just who I needed beside me when I heard that my baby didn’t make it.

So now I face the unknown; emptiness echoes with sadness where giggles of excitement rang; innocent wonderings about the growth of my family leave me sober; the baby outfit I ordered in eager anticipation will show up in the mail and there will be no one to wear it; and Mother’s Day will reveal that one of my children will never be in my arms this side of heaven.

It’s been a strange few days,
and I am sad.

Until heaven, my tiny son.

To testify to the next generation.

As I was taking my baby out of her highchair the other day, I looked into her tiny face and heard these words come out of my mouth, “I am going to share with you the testimonies of the things that God has done in my life and your faith is going to be strengthened because of it...because that is how it works.”

I stopped for a moment and considered these words that seemed to spring out of nowhere. I thought of the times throughout scripture where God tells His people He’s going to do something wonderful and instructs them to, as we see in Joel 1:3, “Tell your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children to another generation.” Or in Exodus 13:8 “You shall tell your son on that day, ‘It is because of what the Lord did for me when I came out of Egypt.’”

I’m not just talking about instruction...instruction is not enough. I’m talking about testifying to the faithfulness, to the praiseworthiness, to the might, to the worth, to the honor of God. I am talking about setting alongside the Truth of scripture the realities of scripture played out in our lives.

I am so convinced of this that I have purposed that throughout my children’s life I will tell them what God is doing in me and for me as we go along; and as they grow, I am going to pray that the Lord provides opportunities for me to tell them how He carried me through loss, how He healed me in illness, how He freed me from sin, how He changed my heart to feel compassion, and how He magnified Himself in marvelous ways throughout every moment of joy and pain and all the circumstances that spanned them. And I am going to purpose to show them things like how to pray your way to peace in times of trouble, and how to lean on Him in time of need, and how to be satisfied in Him when life is altogether unsatisfying, and how to praise Him in times of blessing, and how to stand on His promises in a shifting world.

And their faith will be strengthened because of it; because the testimonies of the Lord lead to things such as joy, hope, courage, awe, understanding, assurance, wisdom, the acceptance of salvation and holiness.

Because God is real and testimonies of Him hold power.

Because He is a wonderful God.