the Spirit's whispers

Today I sat in a coffee shop with the Lord and my journal, and as I poured my heart out before Him through my pen, I found this: I have definitely been threatened by doubt lately. Why doubt? Childlike faith has always been my mark--simply taking God at His word--how could I doubt? How could I, with the life I have lived and the vibrancy of God’s hand though it, doubt? Then I looked as a group at the verses that the Lord had given me over the last several weeks, that I had somehow feebly written down in the dryness of my days, and tears streamed down my face as I saw the verses He had been whispering in my ear:

Psalm 119:14: In the way of Your testimonies I delight as much as in all riches.
 

Psalm 139:17-18: How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with You.
 

Ephesians 5:14b: “Awake, o sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
 

2 Corinthians 1:20: For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory.

binding doubt with Truth
©7-29-12 hannah mclean

such kindness
You who suffers long
pours on me.
when drying doubt
rests upon the stagnant air
of this deserted wilderness
choking out the breath
that is in me,
You whisper,
“rise, o sleeper,
awake to find
I am still with you.”

wicked doubt,
i bind you in
my Savior’s name
and cast you out.
i silence your goading voice
that grates upon my
childlike faith,
and deafen you with
testimony of the One
in whom my faith abides.
no matter where i go
He never leaves,
or where i fall
He never forsakes,
and though i fail
as many times as sands at sea
He is faithful
and innumerable are His thoughts
toward me.

oh You in whom
all promises are “yes”
i thank You for
Your rest.
You who have not withheld
Your only Son
blessed are You,
Father of mercy
Son of love
Spirit of hope.
firm in faith
i will stand in You
as one.

He has given me His best.

Today I was having a hard time fixing my heart on the Lord and in my Spirit felt that I needed to hear testimony of God’s goodness and work from the lips of another who walks with Him. I remembered that a friend had posted a link on facebook, so I watched it; it was a testimony from a man named Steve Saint, who has suffered a spinal cord injury that left him completely dependent on others for the most basic things in life. He spoke of his new position and the beauty of what he was learning from it, and in the video, he read this poem:

The Thorn by Martha Snell Nicholson 

I stood a mendicant of God before His throne
And begged Him for one priceless gift, which I could call my own.
I took the gift from out His hand, but as I would depart
I cried, “But Lord, this is a thorn and it has pierced my heart.
This is a strange, a hurtful gift, which Thou hast given me.”
He said, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.”
I took it home and though at first the cruel thorn hurt sore,
As long years passed I learned at last to love it more and more.
I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace,
He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.

I wish I could explain to you how thoroughly this melted my hard heart. For the last year-and-a-half since the birth of my daughter, I have really wrestled with God about my health. While I have never been “healthy,” the last 18 months have been particularly painful as I have regressed in nearly every area where I had--over 10 years of work, prayer and intentional care--previously stabilized.

It’s strange really, my journey with my physical health. God has used it in so many ways that it could easily make my head spin in attempts to list all of the invaluable lessons I have learned from my position of weakness. Poor health is the tool God used to bring my to Himself; it is the thing that has most vividly revealed my dependence on Him and the reality of my lack of control over even the smallest detail of my life; and while it has been a source of deepest pain in my life, it has also brought about the deepest gratitude. I have known physical strength from His hand, peace that surpasses understanding during distress, and the freedom of accepting my weakness as He has literally held me together. I have heard Him in the silence of being unable to speak, I have leaned on Him in the weakness of being unable to stand, and I have seen Him in the small details of day-to-day life that I would have otherwise overlooked. Today, as I sit in this current wave of physical chaos, weary from my wrestling and deafened by my whining, I am finally willing to just be still and silent before God...and even as I do, I have to marvel at the abundance of my life over the last 18 months, He has truly poured Himself out on me and for me in ways I have never before known.

I think what struck me the most in this poem is the line that says, “My child, I give good gifts and gave My best to thee.” After all of these years of walking with the Lord, how can I still be so blind to the truth of the Giver of all good gifts? He has given me His best.
It is not that I have just made the best of what I've been given, it is that He has given me His best. He has not withheld the ease of good health from me because I don’t deserve it (which frankly, I don’t), He has given me something better; His best.
“I learned He never gives a thorn without this added grace, He takes the thorn to pin aside the veil which hides His face.”
The greatest gift God can give me is the joy of seeing His face. As I write this, I think of the psalm that has so potently fueled my prayers for the last three years, Psalm 27, “ONE THING have I asked of the Lord and that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.” To know Him more, to see His face, to fix my eyes on Him, to fill myself with the glory of His presence, to simply abide with Him and converse with Him, to hear from Him and never leave His side. If it is this thorn I have needed to pin back the veil, revealing His face, I praise Him for it and overflow with gratitude that He loves me enough to give me His very best.

I know Your mercies
come every morning
and I wake each day
with open hands
desperate for
the daily bread that sustains me

You never fail me
faithfulness springs up from the ground
as righteousness looks down from the sky