A moment of decision.

1 Kings 13:8–9a And the man of God said to the king, “If you give me half your house, I will not go in with you. And I will not eat bread or drink water in this place, for so was it commanded me by the word of the Lord…”

I keep thinking of this passage I taught on in children’s church the other day. The kingdom of Israel had just been divided, and Jeroboam, a man who had been a servant of King Solomon, is suddenly lifted up by the Lord and placed into the position of king over 10 tribes of Israel. But in spite of the promise of God that He would put an eternal blessing on Jeroboam as king if he’d walk with Him, this new king went rapidly and devastatingly wayward and led the people of Israel into an idolatrous, heretical lifestyle far from God. 

And the Lord is great in mercy; as He did repeatedly in the times of the kings of Israel, He sent a prophet to Jeroboam in his decent into wickedness to call him back to the path of righteousness. But King Jeroboam didn’t receive the word, instead, he tried to use the power he had as king to harm the man of God, and God would have none of it. In an instant, He stripped him of his power even as he stretched out his hand, drying up the authority of his voice raised against the Lord. Then when Jeroboam had been restored through the prayer of the prophet on his behalf, instead of repenting, he looked at the prophet…and invited him to come home with him and partake in the pleasures of his earthly kingdom.

I love how this prophet looked back into the eyes of this king—this king who had chosen wickedness and forfeited the blessing of the Lord for the confidence of his own control and construction—and said, “No. I want nothing to do with the kingdom you are building; I want no part in the best you have to offer, nor will I even take a portion of the least of what you could set before me. You have made your choice, and I have made mine.”

There’s something about this moment of decision that feel so important right now.

The Fear of the Lord

Psalm 111:10 "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever! 

I taught in children’s church this Sunday, and my meditation and study in preparation for this lesson was SO FRUITFUL that I am going to share it with you.

Every time I approach the passage that I am going to teach, I ask the Lord, “What do You want me to tell the kids?” There are so many lessons to be gleaned from every passage that I need to allow Him to direct me. This past week, I was preparing to teach Joshua 2 where Rahab hides the spies from Israel and then ties a scarlet cord in her window so she will be spared when Jericho falls by the Lord’s hand. I read and reread the passage, waiting for most of the week until finally He said, “Teach them about the fear of the Lord.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever read Joshua 2 specifically looking for what it teaches about the fear of the Lord (I sure hadn't)…but whoa. What a wonderful story to help bring to the surface what the fear of the Lord is and what it looks like lived out. So I am going to share the gist of my lesson for children’s church if you are interested in learning more about the fear of the Lord as it was displayed through the life of Rahab. Go read Joshua 2 before you keep reading (it’s only 24 verses, so it won’t take long).

Scripture says multiple times that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…” The word nerd in me requires us to define three of the words in that sentence:

YIR’â: Fear of God, reverence (to regard AND treat with deep respect)

BEGINNING: The point in time or space when something starts

WISDOM: Knowledge and understanding that give you the ability to make good judgements

Wisdom isn’t just knowing things, it is being able to take what you know and use that knowledge to live your life the right way. So consider that: Without the fear of the Lord, we have missed the BEGINNING of how to use what we know to live our life in the goodness that God intends.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD FOLLOWS THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WHO GOD IS. In Rahab’s statement to the men in verses 8–12, she uses the name Jehovah four times; Jehovah is the formal name of the one true God. I was looking back through scripture, and while I certainly didn’t look on every page, I couldn’t find places where gentiles who weren’t believers used the name Jehovah. Rahab was acknowledging that the God of Israel was the true God. The others in her city were offered the same opportunity to fear God as Rahab was; she describes how they had watched Israel for 40 years—they saw God bring them out of Egypt, through the red sea, conquer kings—and the others in her city were terrified of Israel…but they did not acknowledge or revere Israel's God. But Rahab did, and she called Him by His name.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD DRAWS US TO GOD. Fear as we often think of it tends to send us fleeing and hiding, but the fear of the Lord has a different affect. When Rahah saw who God was, she drew near. She came close and tended to His people and spoke with the hopes that her voice would reach His ears.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD MELTS THE HEART IN BOTH HEALTHY FEAR AND HUMILITY. What happens when something melts? A hard thing becomes soft and movable. Rahab knew the God of Israel had the right to judge her; He had the right to give her city into the hands of His people. Her pride melted away in the face of the Lord, and she, with great humility asked for mercy. You can see her humility here in her plea in verses 12–13; she didn’t even ask for them to spare HER because of her kindness to them (she knew what she deserved), instead she asked them to save her family. All of Rahab’s pride was gone, she recognized that God could rightfully judge her and she humbled herself before Him.

THE FEAR OF THE LORD LEADS TO OBEDIENCE. Rahab obeyed. The men of Israel told her that she should tie a scarlet cord in her window to be spared Jericho’s plight and she did it…right away. They were barely out of sight and the scarlet cord was already being secured in the window. A heart that fears the Lord will look to Him with the posture that says, “I will do whatever You ask.” Rahab didn’t ask why a scarlet cord mattered, she didn’t ask when they would come back, she didn’t wait and see if she should bother doing what they said…she simply obeyed and put her hope in the God she had acknowledged as true. She would have done anything required of her. Her decisions showed that she had faith, and she is mentioned in Hebrews 11, a chapter known for presenting us with heroes of the faith. It says, “By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.” Her obedience by faith, and the actions she took because of it, saved both her life and the lives of her family.

Here is the thing: When you fear God, it will change the way you live your life…it is impossible to fear God and keep living however you want because NOONE is more respectable and exalted than Jehovah. Because He is who He says He is, when we acknowledge Him, it will effect everything about us. The fear of the Lord is one of the biggest things missing from the American Church. This deficit allows us to remain apathetic, half-hearted, lukewarm, and polluted. If we really believe the Bible is true and that the God of the Bible is who He says He is, there is a clear path we will find ourselves on…and Rahab the prostitute shows us what that looks like.

"Righteous men"

How many of us settle for the righteous life of Lot, when the Lord has called us to the righteous life of Noah?

This might not be a fun word to read, but my heart is unsettled and these are the words I have to bring you. My prayer is that you would hear me out and deeply consider them, I will include a prayer at the end as these thoughts keep pushing me to pray.

2 Peter 2:7–8 “And if He rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard)”

Genesis 6:9b “Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God.”

To begin, I wanted to be clear that there is only one way to be declared righteous before the Lord, and that is through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus for our sins; if we accept His work of salvation on our behalf, He takes our wickedness and gives us His righteousness. That’s it. Our own efforts of external exertion can only produce self-righteousness, which has no ability to produce eternal life. We need Jesus to be declared righteous before God.

That being said, the Bible tells us that both Lot and Noah were “righteous men.” There are so many parallels between their lives, and yet, several stark differences.

Lot was Abraham’s nephew, you can read his story in Genesis 11–19. He was drawn to the city of Sodom, where he took up residence and partook of its prosperity. He lived his life in the middle of the wickedness that took place there, and the ways of the city took root in his family as it mixed in with his daily living. And when the Lord finally had to call Sodom to account for its evil deeds (not even 10 righteous people lived there), He sent angels to help Lot escape from his home…but the tangling of his life with the lives of those in Sodom had consequences, he lost his wife to her longing and his daughters had gained no knowledge to discern between right and wrong.

Noah was the son of Lamech, one of only eight to have witnessed both the pre- and post-flood world. You can read his story in Genesis 5–9. The world he was born into was overrun by evil, it says in Genesis 6:5 that “the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” The wickedness of humanity that had taken such root that their lives produced only evil fruit all the time. “But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.” He was a preacher of righteousness, living according to God’s plumb line of right and wrong, walking with God and not with man. And like in the story of Lot, humanity mounted the threshold to the door of just judgment, and God invited righteous Noah to escape. “Make for yourself an ark,” He said to him, and Noah obeyed everything God said. He did the hard labor of nearly 100 years of building in the face of ridicule and scorn, surrounded by the evils of unrighteous living, but set apart for the Lord. And the Lord preserved the people that He had made and marked with His own image through one man and his family. And under the rainbow of covenant, the eight of them rebuilt and carried on the good work God had created humanity for in the beginning.

When you read the stories, did you notice the similarities? God spared these righteous men from being destroyed by His judgment. Both of these men lived surrounded by wickedness, a lone light in a dark environment. Both of these men got to take their family with them.

But there are many differences too. Lot couldn’t leave without being pulled out…It says in Genesis 19:16 “But he lingered. So the men seized him and his wife and his two daughters by the hand, the Lord being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city.” Lot lingered and he was spared by the mercy of God. But Noah, he was spared by his obedience to the invitation of God to receive mercy. God didn’t have to pluck Noah out, Noah rode above the waters of judgement by faith and the faithful labor of his hands in response to God’s commands and invitation.

The environments of both of these men was dark, but Noah had walked with God and lived according to God’s righteous ways while Lot had walked with the men of Sodom and struggled to keep and desire God’s ways because he had allowed the seeds of wickedness to grow in his internal garden.

I write this to encourage you to—as I have and am doing with myself—examine your heart and your ways before the Lord. God will save anyone who trusts in Jesus for salvation, but there is the reality of 1 Corinthians 3:10–15, where we are told that the sum of what we build upon the foundation of Jesus will be revealed by fire. Are you building well? Are you forming the structure of your life by the instruction and with the materials commanded by God (as Noah did, building the Ark according to the measurements and directions he was given)? Or are you setting up residence in structures made by human design and struggling as you waver between King and country?

Our God is a jealous God, He knows that our idolatry brings about the destruction of our souls, and in love He continually calls to us to walk whole-heartedly with Him. I’ve been studying the relationship between God and Israel, and I am struck again and again by the weight and detriment of mixing our lives with the culture in which we abide instead of setting ourselves apart for the God in whom we are invited to abide. Throughout the books of the minor prophets, we see a glimpse at God’s view of the mixed man who comes to worship: He’s like, “I reject your sacrifices, your words are empty and yours songs are appalling to Me. If you want Me to receive your ministry to Me, than seek Me on a heart level, and let Me align your life to My heart and My ways.”

God is merciful, and He WILL save the righteous man…but have we settled for the righteous life of Lot, or will we aim to be Noahs in our generation? Because the truth is, we are living closer to the Revelation than to Eden, and in those last chapters of the good Book we find this call, “Come out of her, My people, lest you take part in her sins…”

—————

Father, purge me with hyssop and I will be clean. Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. [Psalm 51:7] Teach me Your way, Lord, that I may walk in Your truth; unite my heart to fear Your name. [Psalm 86:11] You are the only one righteous, Lord, I bend the knee to Your plumb line of good and evil. You have created me for Your purposes, conform my life to whatever You wish for it be; may I live whole-heartedly in pursuit of You and Your kingdom. Your will be done, Father; [Matthew 6:10] in my mind, my heart, my life and my walk. May I be fully surrendered to You; rooted in the truth of Your word and governed by Your Spirit. You are holy, holy, holy; purify my worship to reflect that You alone hold my heart. Keep me, Father, wrap me up in Your faithful arms and guard me from offending You. May my life bring You glory, honor and praise. In Jesus name, Amen.

A blind song.

I read Exodus 31–33 today in my reading plan, and I am undone. I choked my way through the children of Israel asking Aaron, the leader while Moses was up on the mountain with God, to make them a new god since Moses might not return. And then Aaron obliged them and fashioned a golden calf for them to worship, and I sobbed my way through his attributing the works of God to a shiny object fashioned by his own hands, and then with those defiled hands, making sacrifices to this idol on an altar. I wept and wondered at the relationship between Moses and the Lord; how he without hesitation placed himself between God’s wrath and God’s people—leaning on the promises from God’s own mouth. Tears ran down my face as I delighted in his desire to know God more; building upon his face-to-face friendship with God a desire to never live apart from His presence and to gain ever clearer vision of His glory. A terrible, beautiful read for sure.

But tucked into the middle of these verses, I found a sobering warning that I want to share with you.

While Moses was up on the mountain with the Lord as He wrote in stone His law, and while Aaron and Israel were worshiping an idol at the bottom of the mountain in their camp…somewhere in between stood Joshua. Unlike the rest of Israel, he was still waiting for Moses to return, his eyes were still looking up and his knees had not bowed to the calf of gold. And when Moses walked down the mountain to lay eyes on Israel’s rebellion, he met Joshua who said to him these chilling words: “There is a noise of war in the camp.” But he said, “It is not the sound of shouting for victory, or the sound of the cry of defeat, but the sound of singing that I hear.” (Exodus 32:17b–18)

Joshua didn’t know what was going on, but he recognized it as the noise of war. Israel DID know what was going on, but did not recognize that it was the noise of war.
To Joshua, the noises of war should have been clear—shouts of victory or cries of defeat. He was confused that while he recognized a war was going on, its sound was unfamiliar. Those in the war were singing. Why were they singing?

Because they didn’t recognize they were in a war.

Israel had folded to their fear and given themselves over to their true enemy. They had thrown away their faith in the God of Israel and given themselves over to their sight without a fight, and while they should have been crying out at their defeat, they were blind in their own rebellion and rejection of the Lord and instead danced around singing as the wrath of God threatened to pour down.

And that’s sobering. I feel like that’s a good consideration for today; we dance around our idols (anything—good or bad—that we place above the Lord), rejoicing in their shiny surfaces, singing praises to gods of our own making…not realizing that we are in a war and we are neglecting the fight. But if we don’t open our eyes, in the end there will be no collective shout of victory, instead there will be crescendoing cries of eternal defeat.

Open up your eyes, Church! Are you holding your place in the battle? Or have you chosen instead an empty song?

A meditation on Psalm 73: "Nevertheless"

I’ve been reading Psalm 73 the last few days and my meditations on the truths there have been so powerful and timely for me that I wanted to share them with you.

Before I launch into the passage I want to speak specifically about, I’m going to give you a brief overview of what’s going on in this psalm. The psalmist here is looking at the world around him and he sees incredible wickedness; people are doing terrible things, oppression is rampant and people marked by arrogance, violence, mockery, and evil are prospering. They are flourishing in the world, with just blatant disregard for God and certainty that there is no consequence for their actions. And the psalmist is looking at all this happening and is crying out, “Why do the wicked prosper?! What is going on?!” He’s like, “God, I have not joined them, so why do I suffer and they flourish?” And finally, it says he goes into the house of the Lord and God shows him their end.
    If you are struggling with what you see in the world around you and want clear vision, that comes from the Lord, go get in His presence and seek Him.

The last portion of this psalm ends with the passage I want to talk about. Verses 23–26:
“NEVERTHELESS, I am continually with You: You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

My favorite word in this entire Psalm is “nevertheless.” This word is a hinge between the beginning and the end of this psalm. The verses before are in 3 pieces: First, the psalmist lays out his complaint before God: Why do the wicked prosper?! Second, he goes into the house of the Lord and sees things through God’s eyes. And third, he is humbled. Right before this passage, the psalmist lays out his heart before God…and it is tainted by sin. He confesses that his heart is pricked and his soul is embittered…not just a bitter heart, but a bitter soul—your soul is the entirety of your being. In watching the evil unfold in the world around him and seeking to understand it with his own eyes, he became bitter and his actions overflowed in sin toward God: He says, “I was brutish and ignorant, I was like a beast toward You.”
    We must be very cautious; if we try to navigate the evils of this world in our own strength, vision and righteousness, we will find ourselves overcome by the darkness.

This “nevertheless” is gloriously full. It is full of wonder, of mercy and grace, of humility…and it leads to worship.

    When we seek God for clear vision, He doesn’t just show us one angle. We see 3 things in this Psalm that He gives us clear vision of: He showed the psalmist that the wicked’s prospering had an end. He gave the psalmist a greater understanding of God—that He is a God of righteousness and justice who will eventually make all things right. And He revealed to the psalmist the condition of his own heart. Because here’s the truth, there’s not such thing as “good people” and “bad people”…here are just sinful people who need Jesus…and some of us are already clinging to Him to be counted righteous before a holy God, and some of us are not yet.

And I love this “nevertheless”…the psalmist has seen the righteous justice of God and it has revealed the wickedness of his own heart. He had tried to understand the world around him in his own strength, he had RIGHTLY cried out against wickedness and RIGHTLY desired justice. He had suffered and observed oppression and had risen up when there seemed to be no consequence for the evil he saw and experienced. But to maintain a pure heart before the Lord when we try to understand the world around us, it is vital that we go to Him to process because on our own we are no less wicked apart from Jesus that the ones we cry out against.

And this psalmist sees that. And you can almost hear his sigh of relief as He says, “Nevertheless, I am continually with you.” I’m still with You! You’re still with ME! You hold my hand so my flesh does not cast me down completely. You are so kind to offer me Your counsel when I cry out, You are so faithful to guide me. And I marvel that even now, You will still receive me into glory. Nevertheless.

And I love that this full and humble sigh leads to a heart that pours out in worship: My longing is YOU, Lord! My desire is YOU! My strength is YOU! My portion is YOU! At the end of the day, You are all I want and I have You.

When our response to the wickedness and injustice around us reveals the wickedness of our own hearts, let us rejoice, delight and wonder at the “nevertheless” that we find in the mercy of God. Because we must remember that our God is His beauty is incredibly patient. He knows the end of all things, and with Him, justice delayed is not justice denied. It is just that He does not want ANYONE, no matter how vile, to die without knowing salvation in Jesus. And so He waits. And as people who believe He is righteous and just, we must humble ourselves before Him. And it can be so painful to wait with Him. We must lament how our impatience can lead to bitterness of heart and soul, and how this effects the way we view our Holy, timely God. And we must marvel and cling to our own “nevertheless” and the mercy it holds as we consider with clarity things through God’s eyes. Let us be worshipers of God in the face of wickedness and oppression.

Because at the end of the day, you and I need Jesus…no matter how many years we walk with Him, we will never need Him less. And what a glory it is to say, “nevertheless” He’s with me! He keeps me when I struggle with sin, He guides me with His counsel when I can’t see the whole picture, and He afterward will still receive me to glory! Whom have I in heaven but You, God?! Earth has NOTHING I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail again and again and again…but glory be, YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion FOREVER.

So I leave you with this: IF you are struggling to see past our unraveling society and what it holds, cry out to God for vision. And then repent. Marvel. And Worship.

“Nevertheless”

Only the Lord is Worthy.

There are some words in my mind that are reserved for God alone; words such as—amongst other awe-filled descriptors—holy, sovereign and almighty. They are words that when paired with any other object or being cause the Spirit within me to cringe because any object or being that has been accredited with one of these set-apart attributes is unfit to bear it, and has been elevated to a place of worship meant for the Lord alone.

A favorite phrase I hear lately tossed around circles of Christian women and floating out of those teaching (or singing to) them is, “You are worthy.” I get where this incorrect statement comes from and why it is often spoken. I do. Christian women are seeking to help one another heal from years of being spiritually abused, repressed and disqualified from their place in the Body of Christ; we’re lifting each other out of the dirt, brushing off red paint we’ve had thrown on us and reminding each other who we are in the Lord. And one of the wonders we have to wrap out minds around is that Jesus loves us so much that He poured Himself out for our salvation; that no matter what identity we’ve had engraved in us by the voices around us over time, from the beginning, He laid out a plan to make us His own. It is a wonder that is healing balm to the wounded souls of the ones who has been told that as females they are of no value to the Church.

But here’s where things get twisted. When the Lord, who knows and sees all things, saw it fitting to stretch Himself out on the cross and take our rightful death upon Himself, He didn’t do it because we’re deserving. He did it because He had set His love upon us and to Him, it was worth pouring Himself out for our salvation. Let me give you a picture of what I mean:
My daughter has a stuffed panda; its fur is matted down, its eyes and nose are scratched from years of wear and tear, its white has long since turned to a a perpetual shade of light gray in spite of many washings, and there’s a little string sticking off its chin that reminds me there is just a worn thread that holds it all together. But that little girl would do anything for this panda: When it is lost, all gets set aside to hunt it down; when it is “hurt,” she creates a hospital to bring that panda healing; when panda has a birthday, she parties hard; to her, this panda is a light in her life. Now, is this stuffed animal worth anything in-and-of itself? No, I doubt a thrift store would even let it grace its shelves. But to her, it is of utmost value because she has set her love upon it.

And THAT is why, in spite of the fact that the Lord moved heaven and earth to die on a cross for us, HE is the ONLY one who will EVER be worthy. We are not worthy, we are beloved. When we delight that someone or something is “worthy,” we are saying that everything that comes to it is rightfully theirs; that in-and-of themselves lies whatever calls for or requires what they received. So we can say of the Lord that He is worthy of our praise, of our worship, or our devotion, of our very lives poured out…and we are speaking the truth. But if we look at ourselves and at what the Lord has done for us, and declare that WE are worthy of His saving work; we reveal that our understanding of both the Lord and of ourselves is woefully twisted and fearfully blurred because we have elevated ourselves to a pedestal we are utterly unfit to perch upon.

We ARE NOT worthy, only God is worthy. But we ARE beloved by a God who declares us of great value to Himself; and as He reveals to us this wonderful, merciful, mysterious truth, may we exalt Him as we fall prostrate in awe and gratitude before this marvelously weighty love.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..."

I’ve been processing through my insecurity with the Lord; it’s been a somewhat ugly journey so far...but sanctifying as I am intentionally leaving no stone I come upon unturned.

I came to the realization yesterday that I find myself facing a deep juxtaposition in regards to my voice. In one hand I see the opportunity to bring life and in the other, the fear of bringing death. When I hold these together, I become painfully paralyzed.

If you know me well or have heard my story, you’ve possibly heard testimony of my physical voice’s disappearance and return and what God did in the space between. I am very much indebted to the Lord to even have the ability TO speak. Since that point in my life, I have often held up my voice in wonder to the Lord asking, “You gave it back to me, how do You wish to use it?”

In one hand I hold a deep desire to be heard: I long for opportunities to testify and to teach; to encourage and to exhort; to bless and to prophecy; to proclaim Truth and freedom; and to impact the world for the glory of the Lord and for His kingdom.

And in the other, I hold a great fear of my voice: I am terrified that I will unintentionally deceive someone or discourage a fainting soul; I am petrified of misrepresenting and dishonoring the name of Jesus; I am afraid that I will say something that leads someone astray or that my opinions would speak louder than the Truth; I find the idea of my voice adding to the destruction of another’s soul utterly unbearable.

Because “death and life are in the power of the tongue,” (Proverbs 18:21a) and I know what death from the tongue feels like--both to receive and to give. As I look over my past, both the desire and the fear are no surprise.

I didn’t really get a voice growing up; I’m female, in the context of the church I was raised in, that meant I was born into a position of silence. I also was a pretty strong people-pleaser, so I mostly quietly stayed within the bounds I was given. I was told what to think, what to wear, what to do and what not to do. My voice was usually downed out or cut off.

And I was told a lot of things in the name of Jesus: I was fed twisted theology under the guise of truth and beat into compliance to the rules of men with pieces of God’s word. I was manipulated with fear, and presented an image of the Lord that was so lopsided it is a wonder I ever learned to trust Him. My honest questions were met with condemnation and I was deceived by the ones who claimed all others would deceive me. And until I became a believer in Jesus, I used my tongue in the ways I had learned; controlling my environment and the people around me with my words and manipulative tactics (in case you were wondering, yes, my first journey of repentance when I became a believer was a long and painful one).

But I am not who I was, I am redeemed by the pure blood of Jesus and there are 14 years of sanctification and learning behind me. I am sitting now praying that the Lord would help me discern between healthy fear and unhealthy fear. Because the former will secure me humbly at the feet of the Lord, intentionally submitting all I say to Him, while the latter will paralyze and silence me, rendering me ineffective for the Kingdom. I must learn to speak in my new life with confidence, secure in the Lord’s hands. I must not doubt that the One who calls me to stand and speak will protect my voice and respond to the deep desire of my heart to honor Him and not myself. Because He’s a good Father and He does not send us out to succeed or fail on our own; He empowers, equips and upholds us in the work He has for us to do.

I need to trust Him, friends. I need to wrap myself in the security of my identity in Him and not waver. And sometimes that's a hard thing to do because I must look my fear directly in the eye and remain there until it flees amid the assurance and presence of His unfailing love for me. 

So that is where I find myself in this journey; bowed down at the Mercy Seat with my fear laid out before me.

fools die for lack of wisdom

this dark night

©2-15-15 hannah mclean

my heart sorrows

as i look across the slew

of degradation

deceived minds

desensitized to sin

encased in evil and

unable to discern their end

a proverb rolls across my mind

“fools die for lack of wisdom”

no foresight

enslaved to things of earth

spiraling downward toward destruction

rejecting their only Lifeline

in the cause of exploration

indulging the flesh

oblivious to the stench 

of decay

i weep

what must our Savior think

what must He feel

as memories of pain endured

separation from holiness and 

Godhead

to become sin that 

we might become the righteousness of God

roll through His mind

i imagine that if He hung this moment

upon a rugged cross

blood soaked

He would look out at empty fields

for WHO WILL TURN to look upon the One 

who frees 

and makes whole

at a mere turn of our eyes

what sorrow must this slain Lamb feel

and fury

what fury must this reigning Lion roar

rejected glory

for this time of grace will end

and justice will come

upon the heads of the wicked

and though our Father

sorrows over all souls lost

He is holy

and just

and hell is a must

and so i look into the darkness

and ask my Lord to fill me with His Light

may it pour from my eyes

my hands 

my feet

my lips

that i leave behind a path that glows with hope

and shine before me 

a light that never grows dim

for Hope is greater

JESUS is greater

than this dark night

Discernment and other things on my mind.

Sometimes I get confused. 

I think there are elements of my walk with the Lord that are unique, and my interactions with Him often seem to fall outside of the experiences of the typical believer I meet. The strange thing is, even though I have always felt a little different, there are two places I feel completely comfortable: With my family and in a church. The reason for this is that I am CERTAIN I belong in my family (God put me there) and in the family of God (Again, God put me there). And so, knowing my position in Christ and understanding that God works in each of us uniquely, I have been able to freely worship with other followers of Jesus, whether we understand each other or not. I think that’s a wonderful thing, I have learned so much from others and I have shared a lot (because I believe God's work in each of us, from the least to the greatest, is for the edification of the Church). 

But sometimes I get confused. 

The first several years of my walk with the Lord (maybe four years), it was primarily just me and my Bible and the Lord. I was told a lot of stuff growing up, and also had it drilled into my head that no one else knew the Truth (just the church I was in)...this led to much fear in leaving the environment I was in, in spite of the fact that I knew I was getting a lot of wrong teaching. The thing is, when I started reading the bible, I saw things in the Word and felt things (like joy, for example) that were completely out of sync with the body of believers I was in. I had no clue how to apply scripture, because frankly, no one around me modeled what it looked like to read the truth and promises of God and let them change you and help you navigate the world we live in. I had no concept of any disciplines of the Christian walk (such as devotions, prayer time, studying the Word, etc). But I found when I read the Word, that my life couldn’t remain as it was if I chose to believe what I found inside the pages; so there I sat in the middle of my mess, clueless how to walk with Jesus.

But Jesus, He walked with me. I have clung to the Word through the past 12 years as I have navigated His Truth and the world around me; He has brought into my life all that I have needed for each moment and provided the tools I needed to grow from unexpected places and through deeply-personal avenues.

For example, when I left the church I grew up in, I was terrified that I would be unable to discern what was right (remember, I was told no one else knew the Truth), but the Lord led me to a new church using two key things: The first was that I recognized the deep and abiding joy I felt when I read the Word in the eyes of another believer, and the second was that through this person, He led me to a church whose teachings were saturated with scripture; everything they told me, they showed me where in the bible they were drawing their conclusions from...and it was such a comfort, my fears of being deceived were pacified as God placed me in a body of believers who taught me how to study the bible, invited me to pray with them, modeled what it looked like to be a disciple who was “in the world, but not of the world.” 

Discernment; I have prayed fervently for discernment, I have feared fervently for the devastation I would attain without it, and I have read the Bible continually for 12 years so that I KNOW what is on the pages. Through hours and hours of prayer, I have learned to recognize the voice of God and the voice of the enemy; I sense the presence of darkness and can feel when it is dispelled by Light. I KNOW what God has done in me, with such certainty that it falls into the category of indisputable in my mind when circumstances arise that threaten my hope.

But lately, I have felt confusion.

There are people I deeply trust from various points in my walk with the Lord who stand against people I have encountered recently who resonate with a deep part of my soul. Why do they conflict when to me they stand together? I have noticed that the conflicts seem to arise between the scholarly theologians and the ones who delight to pray, it has left me wondering if maybe the difference in my understanding stems from the fact that I am an intercessor, not just a lover of the Word. Is one (or both) deceived? Has one idolize the mind and/or the other the heart? Or do these two camps only THINK they stand in opposition? Why are we not walking together and learning from each other so as to grow in our understanding of God? 

I am confused. There’s one pastor I’ve encountered recently who puts into words different experiences that I have had with the Lord, it’s like he articulates things that no one has understood about me and the way God interacts with me, understandings He gives and how I got there. And my heart leaps on the one side, and staggers as others I respect scoff.

Lord, I just want to follow You. I just want Your Truth to be the guiding force of my life, transforming me to conform to Your will and ways and word. I do not want to be deceived; I don’t care about opinions, I just want Truth. Holy Spirit, You have come to live in me as a helper, faithfully discern for me, help me navigate this twisted world. I look to You, I cling to Your word, and I will pray until I hear, whether I turn to the right or to the left, “This is the way, walk in it.” YOU are ALL I want, I do not want to bank my life on sand, Truth is the rock on which I will not shake, THAT is what I want. I just desperately desire to honor You, keep me with You always. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Purposing to push past page 1

I got a new book today. I opened it up and couldn’t even get through the first page because it went right over my head. Word after word...I had no idea what I was reading or even how to pronounce half the words. I closed the book, and for a few minutes, I sat there and felt stupid. I’m not used to feeling stupid...yes, I know there are more things I DON’T know than I DO know, but while I am aware that on the scale of knowledge I fall on the short side, I know I am a fairly intelligent person. The first page of this book, for a moment, made me doubt my capacity to understand its contents.

For a moment.

But then I opened my bible to Psalm 19:7–11, a place that always assures me that the Lord is the One who reveals His truth and His mysteries...and that they are worth searching out. 

“The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statues of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them Your servant is warned, and in keeping them there is great reward.”

As I read this Psalm, I prayed, and as I prayed, I thanked the Lord that I have not once felt stupid when I have read His word...even when I have not understood what I read, even though I have always known there were mysteries encased within that I have not yet even glimpsed, I have NEVER felt as though I fell too short when reading the word of God. Because, like this Psalm says, God is not just for the one who understands what the big words mean, He is also for the simple [that’s me] and for that I am grateful.

Will I open this book again? Yes, I will. It’s a book on eschatology (which I learned means “study of the end times”); diving into biblical history and interpreting the prophecies of scripture. Even in the short conversation with my husband after I prayed, I realized that when he tells me what these big words mean, I know the scripture he is describing, I just don’t know the terms that men have put on them. I will venture back in because I want to know and understand more.

Honestly, this area of learning is sort of scary for me...it forces me to trust someone for truth...I’m not good at doing that. I have been told a LOT of stuff over the years; I have been fed truth twisted by lies, as well as lies concealed under a facade of truth. We also live in an age of information where we are bombarded with people’s thoughts and opinions. Over the last 11 years I have spent hours and hours in scripture as the Lord has sifted my theology, blowing away the sand so that my feet rest on a solid, immovable Rock. The Bible is my measuring stick...if thoughts, opinions or musings don’t align with it, they are wrong. I don’t want thoughts, opinions and musings, I want TRUTH. But when it comes to eschatology, I can’t find what I need to learn inside the pages of Scripture, I have to trust someone for that information. And for me, that is scary. I am grateful for the Spirit inside me Who will be faithful to help me discern, and for godly, seasoned saints who I can trust to direct me to resources to learn from.

So yes, it might take me a while to get past the first pages of this book, but I believe that we are in a time where we must root ourselves as deep in the Truth as we possibly can. We MUST know what we believe and why we believe it and who God is and what the Truth is that we live (and may one day die) for, because there are winds coming that will rail on us and if we are not rooted, we will fall. 

“Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near...” Isaiah 55:6

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

discarded discernment

by hannah mclean 9-3-14

my ears listen to
the words that flow
from those who claim
the name of Jesus
the Spirit grits His teeth
within me
fists clenched
as abomination after
abomination fall from lips
profaning Jesus’ name
and the Truth
for which He died

how long
will you lie
amid your opinions and twisted words
Holy Truths halved
and mixed with the man-made

mercenaries under the banner of Christ
fighting His ways
producing mud holes
miles deep and wide
ensnaring those who
fail to seek the Lord Himself
and entrapping them in
what is NOT
lest they venture further into
the realities and beauty of
what IS

do you not see
how quickly all is stolen from you
when you fail to set your eyes
upon the Holy God
and let them rest elsewhere

you do not discern
what others speak to you:
do not blindly trust
the educated theologian
who claims to know the Word
for you
do not blindly walk
in paths others have forged
who claim to follow the Lord
for you
do not blindly speak
the quips and blurbs that fall from
mouths of those
who claim to hear the Lord
for you

God has not left you to be
blind
He has not left you to be
deaf
He has not left you to be
uninformed
it is you that have chosen
to remain there

pick up the Word
open up the Bible
and fill yourself with the Truth
read and study and search
until the living Word
penetrates your soul
and the Spirit within you
springs to life
and nudges your heart
and stirs your mind
creating conviction
and understanding
and belief
so that when lies rage
you are not swayed
that when the rock of Truth is cemented
into the sands of man
you are not quick to
build your house on
what will fail

discern!
discern!
i beg of you
discern!

what good is it for a man
to gain the whole world
but lose his soul?
what good are the palaces of earth
when they forfeit your place
in the kingdom of heaven?
what good is
a gospel without a Savior?
what good is
worship brought by a worshipper who exalts themself?

for in the end
there will be those who say,
“Lord, Lord”
and to whom He will respond,
“I never knew you.”

it is the one
who walks in the will
of the Father
who values the glory of God
over the glory of man
who honors the Lord
who does not deny
the One whom their soul loves

Jesus died
that the scales you choose to
leave upon your eyes
would fall
Jesus died
that the heart of stone you choose to
keep within your chest
would change to flesh
Jesus died
that the sin you choose to
cling to for comfort
would lose its grip on you
if only you would come
if only you would listen
if only you would turn

there is ONE way
ONE Truth
ONE Life
and you do not get to choose
who God is
you only get to choose
whether or not you will bow
to Him
or to man

discern!
i beg you
discern!
for Jesus weeps
at your endless
swaying

--------

Oh saints in Jesus, I exhort you with Revelations 3:11:
"I am coming soon. Hold fast what you have, so that no one may seize your crown."