Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 2

1 John 4:10,16,18,19
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us.

“To know and to believe the love that God has for us.”
This phrase struck me pretty hard when I read it today. I had ventured into 1 John 4 to see the passage that contained the phrase, “Perfect love casts out fear,” and found this sentence to be vitally descriptive of how I was brought to the place where I allowed Perfect Love to cast out my fear.

It is one thing to know the love of God...it is another thing all-together to BELIEVE that love for ourselves. I can pray 10,000 prayers for any person with utter confidence of the Lord’s heart for them (no matter where they stand or what they have/haven’t done), I can believe with full assurance for others with ease (no matter the impossibility of the situation). But the Lord brought to my attention a good 8 years ago my hesitation to trust His heart for me.

I’ve been on a strange healing journey over the last 2 years...arguably, it probably started with this moment with the Lord eight years ago: I was reading in John 5 the story of the man at the Pool of Bethesda. I had read it many times before, I had marveled at the interaction the Lord had with him: He had been sick for 38 years, and Jesus walked up to him and asked him, “Do you want to be healed?” Before this time, I had always thought, “What a weird question; OF COURSE he wants to be healed.” But the man doesn’t say, “Yes.” Instead he tells Jesus why it isn’t possible. As I read this story on this particular day, I felt like Jesus stood in front of me, looked me in the eye and said, “Do you want to be healed?”

And I did not say, “Yes.” Even though I wanted to be healed, I hesitated. And as I considered why this was, I had to own up to this fact: While I did not doubt God’s ability to heal me, I doubted His heart for me. An ugly reality I had to face. And folks, I am clearly not a fast learner...it took me SIX years to trust the Lord enough to ask Him to heal me.

I was considering how I got there. What brought me to a place where I knew AND believed the love God has for me? While there are probably a zillion factors that play into this, I am going to tell you what happened to me in this season I am leaving.

My brother Noah died in August of 2012. It was a startling and costly blow to my family and my heart. It cast me into a valley that I trudged through for two long years; many days were spent simply curled up in a heap of sorrow because I had no strength to stand. From the moment of the phone call, I wrapped my arms around the Lord and dug my fingers into His sides; clinging lest I lose my grip on the One thing that I was certain of.

Grief is a complicated beast: You can’t speed it up or slow it down, it just comes as it will and you deal with the waves as they crash into you, wading through the aftermath of your losses. But the Lord was with me, and His gentleness surprised me and overwhelmed me as I encountered it again and again. Because that grip I had when I was thrust onto the path of grief, the embrace that allowed me to feel secure with the Lord, it failed; my fingers were not strong enough and my arms atrophied.

But in a place of utter weakness, where I had nothing within myself to keep me, no strength to hold myself up; no zeal to remain...in THAT place I was kept, I was upheld, I was encompassed in the holistic embrace of the Lord. He was so gentle in my failings, utterly compassionate in the place I lay; He did not condemn me that I had nothing to offer Him, no courage to reach out. Instead, He seized the opportunity of my stillness and chose to display His love for me in a way that I had never known. I simply received it; unmerited, indescribable, surprising and precise affection. And it changed me forever.

And while I am sure it was not the only thing that swayed me in the direction of trust, it is the most vibrant one I see as I ponder my season, and I am overwhelmingly thankful.

“To know and to believe the love that God has for us.” There is such security there. I wish I had the words to tell you.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 1

Changes of seasons lead me to places of introspection; of consideration of the season that is passing to understand what I bring with me into the one I will enter. I really do believe that some of the sweetest times I have with the Lord are as seasons close--no matter how sweet or how bitter--because inevitably when I look, I see His hand, His wisdom, His kindness, His love, His care for me; I see the ways He has honed and shaped and sifted and faithfully worked so meticulously to sanctify and grow me; I see what He has done. And all of this pondering inevitably leads me to sit down and write...the completion of understanding and the springboard to testifying.

So here I am. Sitting in front of a keyboard finally, prepared to put into words why this phrase sums up the last 4 years: “Perfect love casts out fear.”

The Lord brought me a mentor and she has been a great gift to me. One of the things that stands out to me in our conversations is that as she sees me from the outside, she points out things I can’t see...to her, it is vibrantly miraculous when and where I stand without fear.

I was raised in fear; it was pounded into me from the pulpit, it was used to manipulate and control me. I was an easy target, as I wore my emotions on my sleeve and my little heart desired to please. To find and to feed my fears wasn’t difficult, it resulted in me seeking to regain control: Before I knew Jesus, one of the few things I found was able to subdue my fears was to control my environment and do things on your own terms. Fear caused me to control and to distrust.

Then I met Jesus, and I found verses in scripture that told me things like, “Cast my fears upon the Lord for He cares for you,” and “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” And my life changed. I gave up my need to control my fears and simply threw them at the cross.

And then I walked with Jesus for years, and I found verses in scripture that told me more things like, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me,” and “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?...Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.” And my life changed again. I found that I didn’t need to pick of my fears to cast them, that instead they simply dispelled in the presence of the Lord.

And then I kept walking with Jesus for more years; I walked with Him through season after season; through the losses, the joys, the failures, the triumphs, the pains, the afflictions, the trials, the glories of my life. Day in and day out, He has been with me in my moments and He showed me verses in scripture that said things like, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent,” “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness,” and “I will protect him, because he knows My name.” And my life changed again. I found that there is peace that transcends life’s circumstances, peace that does not give way to the things that should cause me to fear because it stems from a source that is unchanging and unhindered and unswayed by the enormity of my need, the limitations I hold and weaknesses I carry. I have found myself in such a place of security in the hands of the Lord that fear doesn’t arise where it has a thousand times before even if there are a thousand very real reasons to. And though I have always said that I am fearful by nature, I find myself now trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the Lord can change a person’s nature.

I keep finding myself wondering, “Where is my fear?”
I am standing on unfamiliar ground, marveling at what has happened to my heart.
I do not know where my fear has gone, but I DO know that it is the perfect love of the Lord that has cast it out.

-------

1 John 4:10,16,18,19
"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us."

You are good.

I was reading in Genesis the other day about the life of Joseph, and when I reached this passage, I cried.

Genesis 42:51–52 Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh. “For,” he said, “God has made me forget my hardship and all my father’s house.” The name of the second he called Ephraim, “For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.”

It may seem strange to cry at the naming of a stranger’s sons thousands of years before I was born, but MAN...when you consider Joseph’s life, these names bring the tears.

Joseph was a man marked by God; it says that everywhere he went, people recognized that the Lord was with him. He was marked not only by the presence of God, but by the favor of God.

Not too long ago, I was looking into the meaning of the word “favor” (because I’m a freak of nature who enjoys word studies), and one of the explanations that touched my heart said that when one is favored by the Lord, it means He spreads His goodness over them. Joseph was so vividly cloaked by the favor of the Lord...seriously, no matter where his foot stepped--be it a pit, a house of slavery, a prison cell, Pharaoh’s courts--he was set in a place of honor. Sometimes immediately, as in the case of Pharaoh who, after having met him ONE time, set him over his entire house and all the land of Egypt. The favor of the Lord is powerful stuff...who can cast down what the Lord raises up? Who can close doors that the Lord opens? Who can form a weapon strong enough to destroy what the Lord protects? No one.

So when I read this passage in Genesis 42, my mind ran through a list of Joseph’s many years of hardship and affliction (and they are vast and terrible)...and I delighted that Joseph exalted God for His goodness as he stood in that moment of a life he had not chosen, but had entrusted himself to God in.

Because lately, I feel like Joseph in verses 51–52; lately all I see is the goodness of the Lord spread out over my life. My days are filled with moments of realization of what the Lord has done for me: I see with vivid wonder how He has marked my life with His generous goodness...and it is not because I have left “the land of my affliction” behind me (yet).

So I just wanted to praise the Lord before you, because at this moment in my life, He “has made me forget my hardship” and “has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.”

The LORD has been good to me.

(I wrote this poem during prayer tonight.)

You are good
©hannah mclean 10-26-16

i look around
and all i see
is Your overflowing goodness
poured out on me

everywhere i turn
pictures fill my mind
of what was
what is
and what will be

Your goodness pulses with my pain
Your goodness billows from my storms
Your goodness streams beside my tears
Your goodness glistens through my distresses

Your goodness crowns the life i have lived

i stand
in the middle of life’s road
where circumstances, hazards and victories
have compiled the scenery around me
and i marvel
that all i see
is Your overwhelming goodness
lavished on me

to come and to worship

i just want to be with You
©10-3-16 hannah mclean

i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
i come only to bow
and bring You worship
bring You praise
i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
all of my days
all of my days
all of my days

Your presence brings me fullness
Your love lets me adore
Your life, it gives me wholeness
You are all my soul longs for
Your beauty fills with wonder
Your light is pure divine
Your kindness brings me to my knees
i’m Yours and You are mine

i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
i come only to bow
and bring You worship
bring You praise
i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
all of my days
all of my days
all of my days

adoration leads to exaltation
Your name rings out
as worthy of all praise

i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
i come only to bow
and bring You worship
bring You praise
i just want to be with You
i just want to be with You
all of my days
all of my days
all of my days

fearfully and wonderfully made

Psalm 139:14a “I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

I’ve heard a lot of thoughts on what this verse means--though considerably less on the “fearful” than on the “wonderful.” I think the explanation that has stood out to me the most was one I heard during a podcast by Ravi Zacharias on a fairly unrelated topic; he gave equal attention to both of these words and his explanation was profoundly simple. When I heard it, I tucked it away in my "box of pearls." Ravi explained this verse something like this: We are fearfully and wonderfully made; the care and complexities of a body’s ability and design to function is utterly filled with wonder...and yet, the reality that the smallest of organisms, unseen by the human eye, can take it out makes it equally fearful.

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you’ve most likely heard me talk about Psalm 139; it is the first passage of scripture that I memorized by choice after becoming a believer. Over the last 12 years the Lord has brought me back to it at deep, identity-shifting times; it is as though I am tethered by its stability and no matter where life moves me, I cannot go beyond its reach. The Lord brought me to this passage the other day, and it has had a profound impact on my heart. I am going to attempt to tell you about it.

I have found myself in a pivotal place because I have a question. The way I answer this weighty question has the power to determine my future perception of my life and whether I will walk in it as a whole person or a divided person. It is deeply important that I take the time to answer the question that the Lord has graciously bought completely into the light (I know I have bumped into it before) and to the forefront of my mind:

Of what value is my body?

We are, when whole and undivided, at peace in body, soul and spirit. I have never doubted the Lord’s care for nor the importance of the soul or the spirit, but when it comes to the body, I have wrestled continually with questions of the Lord's care for and the value of my body. I do believe that scripture would say that, “Yes, He does care about the physical body.” However, it is more important that the soul and spirit are healthy than that the body is. So while I have answered portions of my quandary, I am still left with this question that I have to resolve because if I do not, I will continue to walk through this life as a divided person, unable to usher others into wholeness, because I have been unable to reconcile my body with myself.

So a couple of days ago I brought this question before my Creator. I sat down with Him and His word and asked Him to show me one way or another: Does MY physical body have any value?

You might think this is a silly question (I probably ask a lot of those), but as someone who has spent her entire adult life battling chronic health issues and discovered that her coping mechanism is to completely dissociate with her physical body, as someone who grew up being told and shown that this body was just a shell carrying us from this life to another, as someone who learned to see the beauty in humans that has nothing to do with their outward appearance while being shaped by the lives of her handicap brothers, this question would more fittingly be described as tragically honest because I just turned 35-years-old last week and I hate my body--it has failed me 10,000 times, it has wreaked more havoc on me than any other thing, at times it has felt like pure torture to be connected to it. And that breaks my heart, because it is 1/3 of myself, and I have basically been in a civil war for years and the casualties have added up.

I opened my bible to Genesis, and began at the creation of man. I heard the purposeful decision in the Lord’s voice as I read “Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness.” (Gen 1:26–28) I wondered at Yahweh’s hands personally forming the first human out of the dust and imagined what it must have looked like when He breathed His own breath into this creation so that it shared in His life for the first time. (Gen 2:7) I found purpose for this creation of body being “formed” and “made” in the book of Isaiah: To bring glory to the Lord (43:7), to declare praise (43:21) and to be His servant (49:5). And then the Lord brought Psalm 139:13–16 to mind, and when I read the words of verse 14, tears filled my eyes and I knew, “There it is.” These 10 words hold within themselves the answer to whether my broken body has value and purpose: It is not just in the perfection of a body adhering to its design to function that displays the mighty work of the Lord, mercifully it is also in the body’s utter frailty and fallibility that the might and wonder of the Lord is seen.

It is only in the fearful wonder of the careful Designer’s mighty and meek hands that I will find the ability to reconcile my whole person.

And the fact that the answer to my question is “yes” and that this is accompanied with the promise that the pursuit for wholeness will end in victory, I find myself repositioned onto a path of hope and peace.

aunties are of great importance

a moment with auntie amelia
©8-8-16 hannah mclean

i looked over her shoulder
and my eyes landed on the open back door
of the white hearse
only the end of the wooden coffin with the brass handles
could be seen
displayed across the wood
in scripted letters of tan
i read
“auntie joanie”

and there it was
my auntie joanie was really gone

my heart staggered inside me
what was i to do in my moment
of finality?

grateful for the auntie shoulder
and the auntie arms
i held onto her and cried

who has filled my open hand?

the scorpion
©hannah mclean 8-3-16

i look down at the scorpion in my hand
its glaring eyes burn with hatred
as it takes a threatening pose
pointing its venomous tail in my direction

my response is not so much fear
at its presence
as it is confusion

why is there a scorpion in my hand?
i wonder

i sat before You, Father,
for the first time nearly 2 years ago
having mustered up the courage
to believe in Your affections for me
enough to extend my hand to You
in utter humility asking You
to meet my need

a good gift
i needed a good gift

i look down at the scorpion in my hand
setting upon my open palm
seething with evil
desiring my demise

and through my mind rolls Your words
“what father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent;
or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”
Luke 11:11–13

why is there a scorpion in my hand?

You did not change
You are still who You say You are
Your goodness still good
Your affections still as my Father
Your intentions still heavenly

with my palm open before me
i see the enemy smirking at me from afar

for the moment I opened my hand
he placed upon it his cruelty
his diversion tactics
his perilous schemes
his twisted lies

he voice poured out a degrading whisper
a cadence in my vulnerable ears
of thoughts that could sway me
away from the One for whom I wait

and as i choose to stand
again and again each moment
upon the Truth
he perseveres
abrading my confidence
with empty threats
and accusations
against the One whom my soul loves

Father, i believe
this scorpion is not from You
help me cast off
this poisonous creature
help me abide
in Your presence
with my expectant hand
still stretched out to You
the One who gives good gifts

for You have said:
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives,
and the one who seeks finds,
and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
Matthew 7:7–11

presence

presence
©7-31-16 hannah mclean

it is presence
that comforts:
it is hands
that touch;
it is arms
that surround;
it is feet
that stand beside;
it is eyes
that see the sorrow...
it is presence
that comforts.

in this moment
of gratitude
for hearts nearby
a name rolls
through my mind
strumming across
my heart’s frayed strings
releasing a sweet note
that hangs upon the air
filling in the
empty space

Immanuel:
God with us.

-----

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saved the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

i watch

dying is an ugly business
the separation of body and spirit
never before apart
unwinding from each other

i watch my auntie
in her last moments
surrounded by heartbroken people
loving her with all their might

i watch my grandpa
sitting beside her death bed
sorrow running down his face
assuring his daughter as she slips away
 
i watch those around her
offering her their strength
helping her die
with dignity and grace

i watch pain
running it’s unkindly
yet purposeful course
stretching across my auntie’s body
gently streaming down my grandpa’s weathered face
and rippling through the rest of us
pointing us all to the wholeness of eternity
and aiding in the impending separation

i watch love
eagerly displaying
that though dying is an ugly business
there is beauty to be seen
starkly contrasting the stench of loss and grief
is the sweet aroma of gratitude
for the knowledge of lives
forever changed by having touched

if only for a moment

and so I sit
taking in the ugliness
taking in the beauty
marveling at the unity
not just of the moments
but of those of us
who walk them together

Yes, I am antsy.

Awaiting direction
©6-17-16 Hannah McLean

What am I
and
where do I fit
amongst the masses?
At times
there’s been clarity to my moment
and
my purpose in it
but now is not one of those times.
I look around me
observing the strong
and well-oiled wheels turning
not certain where to stand
or sit
or step.
What is my place?
I am here
now
planted by the Lord,
but for what purpose
I wonder
certain there is more
but uncertain of what
the more may be.
With readiness
I stand
and sit
and step...
awaiting direction
and the clarity of why
He has brought
me here
for such a time as this.

when i have nothing left

enough
©4-26-16 hannah mclean

You are enough

no matter the deficits i hold
nor the reality of my inability to fill them
no matter the wounds that mar me
nor the reality of my inability to bind them

i may stand before You
with startling gaps of insecurities
with fraying edges where i have been too long battered
with scars that leave me beyond recognition

but i do not stand before You alone

You do not cringe when You look upon me
You do not turn away in disgust
You do not pass by on the other side of my desperation
You meet my gaze
You lift my head
You kneel beside me in the dust

You are enough

You are enough for the moments
when i can bear it no longer
You are enough for the moments
when my voice is hoarse from pleading
You are enough for the moments
when i’m worn so thin a breeze could blow me apart
You are enough for the moments
when i have nothing
when i am nothing
when i feel nothing but pain and dread and longing and doubt

if all i have as i face my tomorrow
is You
this i know
i have enough

Psalm 29:10 "The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord sits enthroned as king forever."

fighting doubt

Psalm 94:17 “If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.”

to settle or to remain
©hannah mclean 4/24/16

i’m falling apart
confusion meets doubt
and too much is required

i travail
crying out to You
to no avail
and i wonder
if You still hear me

“if the Lord had not been my help
my soul would soon have settled in silence”

this is where i am

my eyes upon the hills
far too long
awaiting Your help that has not come
and my soul within me
threatens to call no more

like an orphaned child
whose cries have gone unanswered
until it no longer makes a sound

silence stands before me
beckoning

but i don’t want to be alone
i want to see You appear upon the horizon
in the place my eyes have blazed
all this time

Psalm 121:1–2 “I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; He will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.”

i love because He first loved me

knowing
©4-6-16 hannah mclean

perhaps it is
the inclination of Your ear
and the holiest of touch
on the dustiest of soul
perhaps it is
the glory of being pursued
by the Most High
and kept by
the mercies of Your Son
perhaps it is
the wonder of Your favor
and the transforming power
of Your lavish love
perhaps it is
the peace inside Your throne room
and the mystery of
Your choice to dwell within

though innumerable the reasons
this is true:

my heart once hard and brittle
now soft and moveable
my life once my own
now pliable within Your hand
my soul once lost amid the dark
now rejoicing in the Light
my feet once wandering aimlessly
now planted in eternal purpose

overwhelmed with utter affection
i bow with joy before You
knowing
i am not just Yours
You are mine


Psalm 40:1–3 
"I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord."

i gave it back

surrendered
©4-4-16 hannah mclean

i look at the table in front of me
on it rests an alabaster box
open and
awaiting the offering
with which I will fill it
the one that i will set into Your lap
no longer mine
but Yours

it is not perfume of great price
but it is as fragrant to You
for my offering has wrapped within it
the sweet aroma of prayer
weathered year after weathered year
colored by the memory of countless tears
creased and crumpled by my desperate clutch

20 lines containing 84 words
i place inside my alabaster box
the promise to fulfill my deepest desire
and close the lid

lifting my offering
i raise it up to You
releasing it in Your faithful hands

i place my arms back by my sides
mixed emotions drag themselves across
my unburdened face
as i look down at my empty hands
but i do not turn to go
instead I kneel
and wrap my arms around Your feet
as my tears fall

i will not withhold anything from You
and if ever i find my hands
wound tightly around something
that is not You
may i be faithful to place it into
an alabaster box
that i may be free to cling to You
the One whom my soul loves

a grateful heart song

“But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:16–18

forever free
©4-1-16 hannah mclean

You have torn the veil that i may
see You face-to-face
You have torn the veil that i may
touch the throne of grace
encompassed by Your Spirit
i am made forever free
oh my Jesus
what a wondrous work
Your blood has done for me

You have torn the veil that i may
know that You are mine
You have torn the veil that i may
know the One divine
my righteousness, but filthy rags
but Yours has made me free
oh my Jesus
what a wondrous work
Your blood has done for me

the veil no more before my eyes
Your glory let me see
transformed by Your mere presence
Lord, Your love has set me free

You have torn the veil, Lord
You have torn the veil
torn from top to bottom, Lord
You have torn the veil
where, o death, where is you sting?
o grave, your victory?
my Lord has made a way for me
and i’m forever free
oh my Jesus
what a wondrous work
oh my Jesus
what a wondrous work
oh my Jesus
what a wondrous work
Your blood has done for me

“Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:54b–56 

“Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:16–23

a Good Friday poem

the finished work
©3-25-16 hannah mclean

“it is finished”
rose His sigh
Jesus the Christ
was crucified
oh sorrow at
man’s pure disgrace
when Father
turned away His face
even the sun
refused to shine
upon the blood
of the Divine

holy flesh
became a curse
the first made last
the last made first
the wages of
the sin of man
poured from His wounds
red rivers ran
that all may look
upon the cross
and touch the blood
and grieve the loss
to see the crown
the glory shine
from every thorn
in the Divine

oh death
where is your victory?
conquered by Him
upon the tree
that sinners destined
twice to die
may live with Him
the by and by

my friends, i plead
come stand beside
the Lord of Mercy’s
riven side
and let His blood
upon you flow
and wash your soul
as white as snow

"Pray Like Jesus"

I had the opportunity to share this in church today:

When Jared sent me a letter asking me to consider how I was furthering the kingdom of God to possibly share a testimony, my first thought was, “I’m a homemaker who doesn’t know how to do evangelism. Why did he send this to me?”

And then I considered what the letter he sent really said...(paraphrasing) “I see you have a heart for the Lord and your life reflects a desire to further the Kingdom.” And instead of dismissing the letter as a mistake, I knew that my heart is indeed for the Lord and that I truly desire and pursue the furthering of His kingdom. And while it is true that I don’t know how to “evangelize” per se, and while it is true I am a homemaker with 3 wiggly little girls whose primary call at the moment is to my home and to raise up my children in the Way they should go, it is also true that I am furthering the kingdom of God...and my main avenue is through intercession.

Today’s theme is “Pray Like Jesus.”

Luke 22:41-44 speaks of Jesus in prayer:
“And He withdrew from them about a stone’s throw and knelt and prayed, saying, ‘Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but Yours, be done.’ And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in an agony He prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling to the ground.”

At the end of every day, I tuck my girls in their beds. I ask the Lord to fill them with wisdom; I ask Him to root them deeply in the Truth; I ask Him to make them women of faith, women of prayer, women of conviction; I pray their lives would honor Him and that they would be used mightily for the furthering of His kingdom and the glory of His name. We put on the armor of God together, and I leave them with a kiss.

And then, almost every night, I go downstairs to my prayer room, and I curl up on the couch with my bible and my prayer shawl and my journal and the Lord. And I pray. And I might not be in a place where I can be out on the streets handing blankets to the homeless, or on a rocking chair in an orphanage feeding a motherless child a bottle of milk, or in government changing laws for justice, or distributing antivirals to those infected by AIDS...but on my knees, I travel the world in prayer. In prayer, I kneel outside a Buddhist temple in Myanmar and weep for the salvation of the lost who enter in; I kneel beside the bed of a sex-trafficking victim crying out for the wounds on her body and heart; I kneel in a prison beside my brother-in-the-Lord who desperately needs encouragement and sing the love of Jesus over his aching spirit; I kneel in the streets of cities overrun by the hostilities of those in opposition to the gospel and seek peace on their behalf; I kneel in auditoriums before events preparing the way for the gospel to meet the ears of those who will be in attendance; I kneel in hospital rooms with the sick and their families pursuing healing; in prayer, I kneel in the darkest places of the world and bring the Light of Jesus there. In prayer, I feel sorrow that isn’t mine, pain that isn’t mine, joy that isn’t mine, love that isn’t mine as the Father’s heart beats in my hands and flows from my lips.

When I come to the Lord in prayer; I lay down my will and pick up His...as Jesus did.

I pray with earnest and perseverance...as Jesus did.

I have learned that prayer is about relationship and I am learning to pray from a place of identity...as Jesus did.

I align with the Father’s heart...as Jesus did.

I labor for the kingdom in prayer...as Jesus did and as He does.

And I may never see the fruit of my intercession this side of eternity...but Jesus does.

The Deep Work of 2015: Part 3

I trust the Lord. I trust Him a thousand times more than I trust myself or any other human being. I trust Him with my life, with my heart, with my soul. He is utterly trustworthy. I don’t know if you know how comforting it is to have something to place your trust in that NEVER fails you; never falters, never messes up, never does wrong...NEVER. The Lord does not crumble beneath my full trust, and there is nothing else in all the world that can achieve that. 

If He tells me to do something, I do it. It doesn’t matter if I know what I’m doing, I know Him...and He DOES know. I would be perfectly content to live my entire life directed daily by the Lord. It’s safe to follow His direct guidance.

But I don’t get to live there...and that’s not a bad thing. 

After the seasons of self-confrontation and complete surrender comes seasons of newfound freedom and flourishing. I said (in part 1 of this string) that I am face-to-face with freedom that I have never known, I wanted to expand on that a little bit.

I have found that there are stages to growing in faith. After I surrender my life to him in various matters, there follows a process of what scripture would probably refer to as “crucifying the flesh.” During this stage of growing, I am directed entirely by the Lord. And then comes the next stage that always takes me awhile to realize I have entered: the Lord is silent and I have to trust that the work He did in me is real, and I have to exercise my newfound faith to move forward in my life.

This verse best describes what I mean: 

Psalm 83:11 “He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights.”

The feet of a deer are secure, allowing them to scale the sides of mountains and cliffs, effortlessly and fearlessly moving between valleys and heights. 

When I hit this stage, it’s like God whispers to me, “It’s your turn. I did a good work in you, you are not the same as you were when we started this journey. I have made your feet like the deer’s...Walk. Leap. Run. It’s your turn to make the decisions. Trust My work. I am with you.”

And at this moment, I am looking down at my new feet. I am marveling at my peace. I am delighting in my security in the Father...and I am trusting Him enough to stand and walk in the newfound freedom He has given me.

Yesterday I made a decision about my medication: I felt no fear or need for control. I felt only peace and complete trust in the Father who loves me into such beautiful freedom. And I think I can honestly say that in 15 years, I have never made a decision regarding my health from this position. 

His work is deep. His work is lasting. His work is worthy of praise. Praise Him with me, will you?

The Deep Work of 2015: Part 2

I’ve told you before that I am fearful by nature. And because I am also an intensely emotional creature, that can be an overwhelming and overpowering thing. Over the years, I have (apart from Jesus) found self-preserving ways to work with this part of me; as my fear level goes up, my need for control follows. (This does not lead to freedom from my fear, it simply binds me to it.) 

As a result, when I (united with Jesus) surrender something to the Lord, it has to be accompanied by a laying down of all my weapons, a forfeiting of all my rights to make decisions, and permission to break down my self-made protective walls. When I surrender to the Lord, I give Him control and I am utterly exposed--confronted with every fear and every weakness; I steady my eyes on Him (and yes, freak out at Him) until it loses its power over me in the presence of the One whose perfect love casts out fear. The casting part, that part is really hard; I have to see the fear and feel the fear and let the fear hit me with all its force so that the Lord can prove to me that He is greater than it is. I have spent hours in prayer that have consisted almost entirely of weeping.

This process from bondage to freedom can take years. But the beauty is, that if we stick out the surrender for as long as it takes, the freedom that follows is permanent because God is thorough and He uproots/heals/conquers the source. Transforming and renewing in entirety, He makes us new.

That being said, fear surrounding my health has lost its power over me. Hope for wellness does not depend on doctors or medicine or answers or fixes or MYSELF...my hope is the Lord. And yes, the Lord uses doctors and medicine and fixes and even myself sometimes, but the success or failure of any of these things doesn’t get to dictate my life or my health or my ability to heal; God does.

And do you want to know something beautiful? When fear creeps its ugly head into my thoughts these days, I don’t even WANT control...I only want Jesus.

The Deep Work of 2015: Part 1

It was a deep work, friends.

The work He has done in me over the last year, it is so deep that the weightiness of it just hit me the other evening like a ton of bricks.

I feel like a new believer. Seriously, the only other time I have felt like I do at this moment is a year or 2 after I gave my life to Jesus, having experienced the heart and life renovation that followed, I found myself standing face-to-face with freedom I had never known. The depth of that identity shifting work matches what I feel right now. 

It’s a deep work; the purifying and establishing of identity in the face of deep and lengthy patterns of belief and circumstance. Identity travels through the heart and soul and mind of a person; it defines them, it is foundational, it is the determining factor of mindset and belief, it flows through every cell of the body and permeates every single thought and step. 

Do you know who you are?

Because I am still discovering who I am in Christ; the Lord is faithfully purifying my understanding of my identity. And it’s a deep work.

2015 was a hard year. I describe it as excruciatingly painful and overwhelmingly glorious. While that may seem like an odd combination, I think it is to be expected when traveling into the depth of the pit hand-in-hand with Jesus. Psalms speaks of deep crying out to deep, and I have found in my life that in the deepest places when I have cried out to the Lord, He has shown me greater things than I have ever seen or known in the heights. 

So I went there with Him. We traveled into some of the deepest pain I have experienced; unraveling web after web of lies. We disassembled thick walls I had built up around some of the most vulnerable places inside of me to protect myself; heavy stone after heavy stone until my back ached and my hands bled. We shook off the shackles of fear; chain after chain grating across my heart and mind until they were so raw I wondered if I would make it out in one piece. And we did it all as my physical body crumbled around me, fighting my every move.

But then, I felt the pleasure of watching the webs burn and the stones pulverize and the chains disintegrate. And I find myself once again standing face-to-face with freedom I have never known.

It was a deep work, friends.

But it was worth it, because as I write this, I know who I am:

I am no longer “sick,”

I am “loved.”