Even there

Even There
@1-4-2025 Hannah McLean

If the wings of the morning bid me ride
If the waves pull me out to sea
If the night folds on me like covering
If the light seems as darkness to me

Even there

Even there,
You're the Lord who searched me
Who has known me before I met time
Even there,
You're the Lord who has found me
Who has hemmed in before and behind
Even there,
Your sure hand is on me
Your thoughts of me more than the sand
Even there,
You're the Lord who has formed me
Who causes my frail frame to stand

Father, even there You will lead me
May the hold of Your hand be my peace
For when rising and falling and darkness and flight end,
You will never cease

 

---

 

Psalm 139:7–10 "Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."

The expanse of His bending

"He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap." Psalm 113:7

 

The Lord was ministering to me with Psalm 113:7 yesterday, and this morning as I sat down with Him, I looked into the rest of the Psalm and I am undone.

Psalm 113 speaks to the Lord being HIGH ABOVE ALL nations; China, Russia, the USA, Germany, Mexico, Brazil, Israel, Egypt, Monaco, Nigeria…every nation with every earthly leader and every ounce of earthly government, prestige and military might. It says that not only are these beneath Him, but they are FAR beneath Him. And while the glory of the earth and its nations may seem impressive (Olympians, natural wonders, scientific and technological advances, etc.), His glory—the sum of His being—dwarfs not only all the earth has to offer but also the heavens. And from this declaration of the immense wonder, worth and power of God, the Psalmist rightly declares His holiness, “Who is like the Lord our God…?” No one. He is set apart in every way; holy, holy, holy the right declaration as He is beheld.

Then the second half of the Psalm moves my heart is wondrous ways. Because then, this God who dwarfs the nations with His glory, presence, position and scope of vision reaches down through the distance of His exaltation and sets His hands into the dust to touch the ones with nothing to glory in; He puts those holy hands into the ashes of burned up lives and circumstance and picks up the ones who need; and with the humble of the world in His grasp, He covers them with honor. And then, He turns His eyes to the woman without, the lonely with the pain of unfulfilled longings, and He moves her to joy.

“Who is like the Lord our God…?” Our God who does not overlook the individual lives on whom death has left its mark. Our God who did not come to save nations—for nations are but a drop in a bucket to Him—but to save the people who fill those nations—marked with His image and the recipients of His affections. Who is like the Lord our God? Worthy of praise for all of time and yet concerned with the weak and lowly who have known only broken pieces and with the woman whose beating heart is cast down.

I don’t know if where you sit today is a place of authority at a table of honor or a pile of ashes from the life you’ve burned with your own sin. I don’t know if you hold in your hands everything you ever wanted or if your soul cries out from the bathroom floor in your longing for what you lack. But I do know this, the Lord our God is both mighty and meek. He is above the heights we could ever lift our eyes to and beneath the depths we could ever fall. He is worthy and yet willing, holy and yet love itself. Rest in His hands, it is there that joy will find you.

And do not miss the expanse of His bending, for the expanse is the door to understanding His praise.

A paraphrase of Psalm 143

Sometimes I find a Psalm that mirrors my heart’s cry, and in it I find the healing balm of companionship in my suffering. Here is my paraphrase of Psalm 143:

"Lord, hear my prayer! I’m crying out for mercy; pleading with You not to bring the judgment I deserve, but instead to bring Your faithful, righteous nature to tend to me because my life is all out of sorts.

I want to serve You freely, but the enemy won’t let up. He pursues the entirety of me; he crushes my whole life into the ground. My body fails, I cannot endure the pressing: I am dejected—thrown down. His foot won’t lift from my back; his figure and shadow block the light, and darkness overwhelms me. My spirit faints, Lord. My heart is appalled by self and circumstance.

As I sit here in the darkness with the oppressor’s strength upon me, I turn my mind to consider You; I lean upon the testimonies of what You have done…Your work and Your love, the ways You have worked in me and on me, turning my previous seasons of fainting in parched deserts into flourishing vineyards of flowing new wine. I remember who You are, I remember Your heart for me and Your power in me and Your love for me. I stretch out my hands to You. You say if we thirst, we are to come to You, and I am like a scorched land—dried up and emptied of life. I hunger and thirst for You and I will be satisfied.

Quickly, Lord. I languish. I need Your hand and Your help now. My spirit fails. Don’t turn Your face from me or hide the light of Your countenance from me. If You turn away, all is lost for me.

Let me hear You this morning—in the opening of my eyes to the promise of light, I trust if I listen, I will hear the song of love You sing over me.

Make me know the way I should go, for all of my hope for standing or moving from beneath the enemy’s strength is found in You. You are ALL of my hope. ALL of me is crying out to be lifted by ALL of You. Deliver me! I have run to You for refuge, let me find deliverance in the shelter of Your presence.

Teach me Your will, for You are my God. Not enemy or self or any other thing gets to direct me from this point. I want things Your way, according to Your will—no lesser thing will do. Your Spirit is good, only You can lead me on level ground, in right ways, so that I rise in good standing with solid foundation beneath my feet. I want my feet to land upon the narrow way, the path of life.

For Your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life. I am Your servant, I carry Your name as I journey through this life. I want people to look at me and see Your love, your righteousness and Your standards at work; I want them to watch you intimately weave Your life into the life of one You made. If You are not working in me and on me and through me, I will tarnish Your name. For Your name’s sake, I need You to lift my soul from this trouble in a display of Your righteousness at work. I need You to flood me with Your steadfast love and cut of my enemy’s power over me through it. Your love destroys the oppressor’s grip, it causes the adversary’s vexation to cease, it overrules the afflicter’s power to destroy.

I long to serve You well. In every way the enemy hinders this longing in this season, for the sake of Your name, make manifest Your victory and lift me up."

A meditation on Psalm 73: "Nevertheless"

I’ve been reading Psalm 73 the last few days and my meditations on the truths there have been so powerful and timely for me that I wanted to share them with you.

Before I launch into the passage I want to speak specifically about, I’m going to give you a brief overview of what’s going on in this psalm. The psalmist here is looking at the world around him and he sees incredible wickedness; people are doing terrible things, oppression is rampant and people marked by arrogance, violence, mockery, and evil are prospering. They are flourishing in the world, with just blatant disregard for God and certainty that there is no consequence for their actions. And the psalmist is looking at all this happening and is crying out, “Why do the wicked prosper?! What is going on?!” He’s like, “God, I have not joined them, so why do I suffer and they flourish?” And finally, it says he goes into the house of the Lord and God shows him their end.
    If you are struggling with what you see in the world around you and want clear vision, that comes from the Lord, go get in His presence and seek Him.

The last portion of this psalm ends with the passage I want to talk about. Verses 23–26:
“NEVERTHELESS, I am continually with You: You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

My favorite word in this entire Psalm is “nevertheless.” This word is a hinge between the beginning and the end of this psalm. The verses before are in 3 pieces: First, the psalmist lays out his complaint before God: Why do the wicked prosper?! Second, he goes into the house of the Lord and sees things through God’s eyes. And third, he is humbled. Right before this passage, the psalmist lays out his heart before God…and it is tainted by sin. He confesses that his heart is pricked and his soul is embittered…not just a bitter heart, but a bitter soul—your soul is the entirety of your being. In watching the evil unfold in the world around him and seeking to understand it with his own eyes, he became bitter and his actions overflowed in sin toward God: He says, “I was brutish and ignorant, I was like a beast toward You.”
    We must be very cautious; if we try to navigate the evils of this world in our own strength, vision and righteousness, we will find ourselves overcome by the darkness.

This “nevertheless” is gloriously full. It is full of wonder, of mercy and grace, of humility…and it leads to worship.

    When we seek God for clear vision, He doesn’t just show us one angle. We see 3 things in this Psalm that He gives us clear vision of: He showed the psalmist that the wicked’s prospering had an end. He gave the psalmist a greater understanding of God—that He is a God of righteousness and justice who will eventually make all things right. And He revealed to the psalmist the condition of his own heart. Because here’s the truth, there’s not such thing as “good people” and “bad people”…here are just sinful people who need Jesus…and some of us are already clinging to Him to be counted righteous before a holy God, and some of us are not yet.

And I love this “nevertheless”…the psalmist has seen the righteous justice of God and it has revealed the wickedness of his own heart. He had tried to understand the world around him in his own strength, he had RIGHTLY cried out against wickedness and RIGHTLY desired justice. He had suffered and observed oppression and had risen up when there seemed to be no consequence for the evil he saw and experienced. But to maintain a pure heart before the Lord when we try to understand the world around us, it is vital that we go to Him to process because on our own we are no less wicked apart from Jesus that the ones we cry out against.

And this psalmist sees that. And you can almost hear his sigh of relief as He says, “Nevertheless, I am continually with you.” I’m still with You! You’re still with ME! You hold my hand so my flesh does not cast me down completely. You are so kind to offer me Your counsel when I cry out, You are so faithful to guide me. And I marvel that even now, You will still receive me into glory. Nevertheless.

And I love that this full and humble sigh leads to a heart that pours out in worship: My longing is YOU, Lord! My desire is YOU! My strength is YOU! My portion is YOU! At the end of the day, You are all I want and I have You.

When our response to the wickedness and injustice around us reveals the wickedness of our own hearts, let us rejoice, delight and wonder at the “nevertheless” that we find in the mercy of God. Because we must remember that our God is His beauty is incredibly patient. He knows the end of all things, and with Him, justice delayed is not justice denied. It is just that He does not want ANYONE, no matter how vile, to die without knowing salvation in Jesus. And so He waits. And as people who believe He is righteous and just, we must humble ourselves before Him. And it can be so painful to wait with Him. We must lament how our impatience can lead to bitterness of heart and soul, and how this effects the way we view our Holy, timely God. And we must marvel and cling to our own “nevertheless” and the mercy it holds as we consider with clarity things through God’s eyes. Let us be worshipers of God in the face of wickedness and oppression.

Because at the end of the day, you and I need Jesus…no matter how many years we walk with Him, we will never need Him less. And what a glory it is to say, “nevertheless” He’s with me! He keeps me when I struggle with sin, He guides me with His counsel when I can’t see the whole picture, and He afterward will still receive me to glory! Whom have I in heaven but You, God?! Earth has NOTHING I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail again and again and again…but glory be, YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion FOREVER.

So I leave you with this: IF you are struggling to see past our unraveling society and what it holds, cry out to God for vision. And then repent. Marvel. And Worship.

“Nevertheless”

A meditation on Psalm 84:5–8

Psalm 84:5–8
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in You,
    in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
6 As they go through the Valley of Baca
    they make it a place of springs; 

    the early rain also covers it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength; 

    each one appears before God in Zion.
8 O Lord God of hosts, hear my prayer; 

    give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah

Verse 5 begins with the declaration that the one who has no strength within themselves, and must draw fully from the Lord, is blessed. Being in a position where we feel the full force of our weakness is not pleasant, in fact, it is downright painful, but here the Lord tells us that this place of desperate want is a place of blessing. And as the psalmist continues, we will begin to see some of the reasons why.

This verse completes this declaration by adding that the means of blessing is not just the weak one finding their strength in the Lord, it is also that the highways of their hearts lead them to Him. A highway is road that is well-traveled; much work has gone into laying its foundation, maintaining and building up the place where feet continually tread. And where do these highways forged upon the heart lead? To Zion; the dwelling place of God. Namely, whether you are in the Valley or in the heights, build the highways in your heart to lead you to the Lord—make your course to His arms and His keeping so continual that it becomes second nature; it makes me think of Nathan’s Grandma Lillian who sat at the piano in her advanced state of dementia and played hymns…she may not have remembered our names, but she remembered His.

Verse 6 speaks to the valleys of life that we would not choose, the places of such pain, grief and despair that they are referred to here as “the Valley of weeping.” Be it loss or lack, whatever has dragged us down to this place of want and sorrow, we find what comes to the saint who has cast themselves upon the strength of the Lord and whose heart runs with weariness and desperation to Him; “springs.” A spring is a place where water moving underground finds an opening to the land surface and emerges. A spring draws water from an aquifer, which, get this, is a water-bearing rock. So essentially, the psalmist is saying that as we go through the Valley of weeping, we learn to draw living water from the Rock. And in case we languish along the way, there has been an “early rain,” where God has gone before us and provided pools of water from which to drink. I wish I could lay out how clearly this moves my heart—from my own experience, oftentimes those pools are found in the people who stand beside us in our pain because they’ve been there before. He knows the paths that we must tread; every jagged edge of every rock at the bottom of every valley has pressed first into His flesh before it has reached ours. He is sufficient to bear us up.

And can I point out, it says, “as they go THROUGH the Valley…” There is time to laugh and a time to weep, and both are seasons filled with purpose. But we need not remain in the Valley forever.

Verse 7 tells us that even as we draw our strength from the Lord; the revelation of new and endless weakness only leads us into new and endless aspects of coming to KNOW God’s strength. When we lean fully upon Him, His arms draw us nearer and nearer His kind and merciful face.

And finally, to end this wonderful meditation, we must look at verse 8. Here the Psalmist appeals to the Lord by two of His many names: Lord of Hosts and God of Jacob. I have found that the uses of God’s name in the Bible are so intentional that to investigate why they are placed where they are leads to opening up layers of richness to both the passages I am considering as well as aspects of who God is. I found both of these names to be interesting choices, but the reasons I found for their placement are full of encouragement and beauty.

Lord of Hosts. This means Lord of armies…angel armies…myriads and myriads of angelic beings are at the service of the Lord. I often use this name when I pray for things surrounding great battles; and while that could absolutely be appropriate in this context (Valleys of Weeping can bring about many battles of the heart, mind and emotions), I found another consideration that blessed my heart. One of the reasons God made angels is to minister to humans (Psalm 91:11–12, Matthew 4:11, Hebrew 1:7, etc); here the Psalmist, staggering his way through a seasons of great darkness—emptied of self—cries out to God for what he needs—many, many angels to tend to his many, many wounds.

God of Jacob. This one I just can’t get over. Let me tell you about Jacob. Jacob means “deceiver, cheater;” from the womb he bore a name that spoke into his life choices, and there was great cost to the choices he made. He cheated his brother Esau out of his birthright, and tricked his father into giving him the blessing not intended for him. And as a direct result, he had to flee his home and never saw either of his parents again. He continued his journey by working for 20 years for a man whose character flaws matched his own and then some. But instead of growing in bitterness and zeal for self, Jacob grew in humility. And when he was finally heading home, he heard word that his brother Esau, whose hatred and pursuit of revenge had caused him to flee, was coming to meet him with what was essentially a small army. And Jacob was undone; he took all his fear and despair and humble acknowledgement of guilt. His tired legs from running, and he grabbed hold of God with both hands and wrestled with Him—his determination that he would not rise without the blessing of the Lord left him not just with a limp, but with a new name and a family that carried the promise of the Messiah. Jacob reminds me that the moments of wrestling with God in the valley of weeping are the moments that change the way we walk; they bring about conviction and the certainty of proven faith if we will but drink from the springs of living water that are called forth from the Rock of Ages when the force of our fall breaks the hard places within us. Let us call out to the God of Jacob; the God who has seen our choices that didn’t pan out, our sin that caused great loss, our compilation of offenses done against us, our emotional turmoil that causes us to blunder and falter amid the failure and despair of life….this God of Jacob who has seen and even still will go before, stand beside, and come behind us to redeem to the uttermost any and every broken life with compassion and gentleness and the authority of perfect love.

Psalm 69:19–21

I came across this verse yesterday, and when I read it, the words swelled up in me. I’ve been processing through some childhood trauma, and I felt like the silenced voice of the little girl in me cried out to God with the psalmist.

“YOU know my reproach,” that little girl cried,
    “and my shame and my dishonor;
    my foes are all known to You.
Reproaches have broken my heart,
    so that I am in despair.”

Memories flowed through my mind as a sob welled up in my words...

“I looked for pity, but there was none,
    and for comforters, but I found none.”

I choked upon my sadness...

“They gave me poison for food...”
        and suddenly that little voice turned into that of my Savior
                     “...and for My thirst they gave Me sour wine to drink.”

And I cried. What a beautiful thing for the Lord to give me to rest upon as I heal. To give me a prophetic verse of Christ upon the cross to pair with my pain. In this passage I find two Truths that draw me into the arms of my Beautiful Healer:

First, the Lord was present with me in my suffering. He KNOWS it because He is acquainted with it.
And second, the cross is sufficient to cover the offenses done against me. He is enough.

the sorrow of a tired woman

unchanging tomorrows
©3-21-18 hannah mclean

my fight is over
drained of perseverance
i gave my all
and came up empty
every last hope laid out
and i have gathered in
only empty sheaves

my head hangs
my feet drag
my knees bloodied
from feeble, staggered steps

there is nowhere to sit
no comfort on which to lay my head
and so i limp slowly on
in the sloughs of my discontent

how do i stand
without hope for my present pains?
on what can i lean?
where can i rest
to regain strength to face my
unchanging tomorrows?

i am too tired
to look upon this journey
another day

You call out
“shamar”
to preserve
to keep
to guard

psalm 145:20
“the Lord [shamar]s all who love Him”

in this promise
i close my eyes

Meditations from Psalm 65:4

Blessed is the one You choose and bring near,
to dwell in Your courts!
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
the holiness of Your temple!

To be chosen, to be near, to dwell with You is to be truly blessed and fully satisfied.  

It isn’t a given, brothers and sisters, that we “dwell” in His courts. He chooses us and brings us near for the purpose of dwelling in His courts, but it isn’t a given. It is an intentional action on our parts. We have been invited, but will we come? Will we take the time to not just enter into His courts, but to dwell there? 

To abide in His presence; to rest our heads upon His lap, to wash His feet with our tears, to know the satisfaction of His goodness and holiness? To abide in His courts; to be held in the strength of His arms, to be carried by the freedom of His wings, to be washed by the blood that flowed from His side. 

Will we delight enough in the fact that He has chosen us and brought us near to hang out with Him in His courts, to know the atmosphere of His throne room and the glorious weight of His presence? 

Because it is there that we are satisfied; it is there that the cares of the world are swallowed up in the glories of His praiseworthy character and perfect work; it is there where earthly desires are trumped by Who He is and we can find that all we TRULY desire is Him. I have found that in this place, all the things I intended to pray about escape my mind and all I can do is delight in the One who is before me. 

Blessed and satisfied.

Meditations from Psalm 65:3

When iniquities prevail against me,
You atone for our transgressions.

When my iniquities are winning...
when my spirit cannot withstand my flesh...
when the guilt of my sin is too great...
when my failures and faults have beaten me down so that I cannot stand...
You step into my atmosphere and atone for my transgressions, changing the outcome of the battle. 

Your atonement is ALWAYS victorious; 
Your holiness and who I am in You is ALWAYS greater than my wickedness and who I am without You; 
Your holiness is ALWAYS enough to cover my transgressions; 
Your blood ALWAYS pure enough to wash me white as snow. 

The only thing that will truly prevail when You are for me and I am in You...is You. 
And if that doesn’t make us overwhelmed with gratitude and praise, then I would venture that it is because we don’t understand ourselves or our need for you.

Meditations from Psalm 65:1–2

Praise is due to You, O God, in Zion,
and to You shall vows be performed.

(Side note: The NKJV words this “praise awaits You...”)
The month of November for me was a month spent in praise. I looked back over the Lord’s work in my life and praised Him for His faithfulness...and then I added to my former praises the praise I had not yet offered to Him for the effects of His work that, before that point, I had not yet seen. There was praise waiting for Him that had not yet been pondered or offered, and in November, I brought to Him some of the praise that was “due” to Him. 

There is endless measure to His endless mercy if only we open our eyes to see it; which means, there is endless measure to His deserved praise that if we take the time, we get to bring to light and to life and to Him. How glorious a God to walk and work in such a way that there is ALWAYS praise to be found for Him.

O You who hears prayer,
to You shall all flesh come.

Oh man, can I just tell you that for me this title is utterly beautiful: "O You who hears prayer." I think that being heard in and of itself can brings so much comfort. There are times Nathan will ask me, “What did you pray about today?” and I will tell him, “Nothing. I just sat with the Lord and cried.”

Sometimes prayer doesn’t require words because God listens to the cries of the heart. And sometimes prayer doesn’t require words because it just requires presence. And it doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe or don’t believe or what you have or haven’t done, your soul longs for the living God, and when you come to Him, He promises to draw near.

Meditations from Psalm 65

The Psalm of 2015 for me is Psalm 65. The Lord gave it to me during my month of devoted prayer for healing, and it has been my plumb line. As I close out the year, I have been memorizing it because honestly, I just want it inside me always. I rarely sit down and intentionally commit large portions of scripture to memory, I grew up doing it, but have found that I don’t really remember stuff longterm that I “memorize” it. However, as a follower of Jesus who has spent countless hours in the Bible, my memory is filled with large portions of scripture because I have found that it sticks around in this flippant mind of mine when I have poured over it--meditating on it and praying though it--again and again and again; allowing it to reverberate through my heart like a chord plucked on a guitar until I know it...not just by word, but by meaning and feeling and sound and purpose. So when I say I am memorizing Psalm 65 this month, it is going to take me the entire month...not because I couldn’t do it in a day, but because I want it to remain longer than a day.

And as I slowly commit this Psalm word-for-word to memory, I keep encountering more and more truths that have really sweetened my world. (You’d think that after a year of reading this Psalm I would have wrung it out, but nope. Apparently I have barely brushed the surface.) So I wanted to share some of my meditations this month with you. 

So hang tight, they are coming your way. :)

"If I make my bed in the depths, You are there."

Life has been bumpy lately...like I’m sliding down a hill and hitting jagged rocks on the way down. I feel bruised and my eyes can’t see the top of the next mountain, only the darkness of the pit in which I reside. I’ve been here before, I recognized the rocks on the way down. It’s dark and I can’t see my feet; I dread the next step because I don’t know how much farther I have to go before the Lord lifts me up.

So some days are harder than others, and I have been grateful for the hands of Jesus that reach out to grab hold of my grasping hand; assuring me that I am not alone and reminding me that “though I fall, I will not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds my hand.” (Psalm 37:24)

Let’s be honest, my health sucks. I have been sick for 15 years. It’s true, I’ve had a stretch of probably 5 years in there where my body balanced out and I felt pretty good, but it doesn’t take more than the slightest breeze to send it back into chaos. It doesn’t help to tell me I look fine, I am not fine. And no, I can’t explain what is wrong because even the professionals can’t. Aside from my health, I’m not an unhealthy person; I exercise, eat healthy food, take my vitamins, have solid relationships and love Jesus...but my body just laughs at the science of living a healthy lifestyle.

To be honest, I’m in a hard place; I am worn out as I wait on a miracle from the Lord. I believe He is my Jehovah Rapha (the Lord who Heals), and I expect Him to be who He says He is. Most days I find peace in hope, because I’m hoping in a God who is always faithful to His word; some days I sincerely rejoice as though I have already received what He promised. But some days, I simply doubt; gut-wrenching, devastating hopelessness threatens to sweep me off of everything I stand on with the force of a tornado of fear, pain and the sense of abandonment. And those days, those days are the hard days where I have to make choices: Am I going to choose faith? Am I going to hold up the truths I know of God beside the facts of my health and choose to believe what I can’t see? Am I going to shout the name and mercy of Jesus in the face of the enemy’s accusations that His love and His blessing are not for me? Am I going to agree with the Truth or with the lies when it is the lies that make sense when one considers my physical well-being? Those days, those are the days I have to make the hard decisions: faith or fear? Truth or lies? Love or hate? Jesus or self?

I am grateful as I write this. I am grateful because I am proven...I want Jesus’ face more than His hand.

I am grateful as I write this. I am grateful because no matter the ugliness of my doubt and the fruit it bears, God presents me with His word where He declares His affection for me whereever I stand...or sit...or wallow:

Psalm 139:8–10
If i go up to the heavens, You are there;
    if i make my bed in the depths, You are there.
If i rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if i settle on the far side of the sea,
even there Your hand will guide me,
    Your right hand will hold me fast.

Oh the beautiful Jesus:
He is with me always.
He is with me when I worship Him; when from my earthly post my soul rises up to the heavens and my voice joins the hosts around His throne. He is there.
He is with me when I clamor in the depths of the pit; when I wallow in despair, unable to lift up my voice or my feet, doubting I can hope another day. He is there.
He is with me whether I am early or whether I am late.
He is with me whether I wander far or stand near.
He is there, His hand guides me because He is faithful.
His right hand holds me fast, because He is my anchor.
And my Anchor holds.

My Anchor holds when life is bumpy;
when everything around me is dark and the only light I can find
lies in the hope that the One who is sure is with me,
and when He deems the moment right,
He will lift me out of this desolate pit.

And between this moment and that one, perhaps you will put me into your prayers?

Purposing to push past page 1

I got a new book today. I opened it up and couldn’t even get through the first page because it went right over my head. Word after word...I had no idea what I was reading or even how to pronounce half the words. I closed the book, and for a few minutes, I sat there and felt stupid. I’m not used to feeling stupid...yes, I know there are more things I DON’T know than I DO know, but while I am aware that on the scale of knowledge I fall on the short side, I know I am a fairly intelligent person. The first page of this book, for a moment, made me doubt my capacity to understand its contents.

For a moment.

But then I opened my bible to Psalm 19:7–11, a place that always assures me that the Lord is the One who reveals His truth and His mysteries...and that they are worth searching out. 

“The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; The statues of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them Your servant is warned, and in keeping them there is great reward.”

As I read this Psalm, I prayed, and as I prayed, I thanked the Lord that I have not once felt stupid when I have read His word...even when I have not understood what I read, even though I have always known there were mysteries encased within that I have not yet even glimpsed, I have NEVER felt as though I fell too short when reading the word of God. Because, like this Psalm says, God is not just for the one who understands what the big words mean, He is also for the simple [that’s me] and for that I am grateful.

Will I open this book again? Yes, I will. It’s a book on eschatology (which I learned means “study of the end times”); diving into biblical history and interpreting the prophecies of scripture. Even in the short conversation with my husband after I prayed, I realized that when he tells me what these big words mean, I know the scripture he is describing, I just don’t know the terms that men have put on them. I will venture back in because I want to know and understand more.

Honestly, this area of learning is sort of scary for me...it forces me to trust someone for truth...I’m not good at doing that. I have been told a LOT of stuff over the years; I have been fed truth twisted by lies, as well as lies concealed under a facade of truth. We also live in an age of information where we are bombarded with people’s thoughts and opinions. Over the last 11 years I have spent hours and hours in scripture as the Lord has sifted my theology, blowing away the sand so that my feet rest on a solid, immovable Rock. The Bible is my measuring stick...if thoughts, opinions or musings don’t align with it, they are wrong. I don’t want thoughts, opinions and musings, I want TRUTH. But when it comes to eschatology, I can’t find what I need to learn inside the pages of Scripture, I have to trust someone for that information. And for me, that is scary. I am grateful for the Spirit inside me Who will be faithful to help me discern, and for godly, seasoned saints who I can trust to direct me to resources to learn from.

So yes, it might take me a while to get past the first pages of this book, but I believe that we are in a time where we must root ourselves as deep in the Truth as we possibly can. We MUST know what we believe and why we believe it and who God is and what the Truth is that we live (and may one day die) for, because there are winds coming that will rail on us and if we are not rooted, we will fall. 

“Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near...” Isaiah 55:6

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

Fuel for prayer against human trafficking: Psalm 12

I have been gathering verses to aide me in organizing a night of prayer surrounding sex trafficking. These verses have stood out to me as I have gone throughout my usual times of reading and pondering the Word; sometimes they hit me like a ton of bricks and sometimes they brush against me like a gentle breeze. I thought it would be helpful in solidifying these verses if I meditated on and wrote about them. That being said:
 
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Today I was reading Psalm 12, it is a psalm lamenting the loss of those who are faithful to the Lord. It laments how the mouths of people speak only lies, revealing divided and proud hearts; how they have chosen to rely on the twists of their tongue and to disregard the truth, rejecting godliness in the wake of their wickedness. These things have led to injustice because, as it says in verse 8, “vileness is exalted among the children of man." Isaiah 5:20 says, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!” When we exalt what is wicked, our decision bears evil fruit.

So as I read, I came to these words:
“Because the poor are plundered, because the needy groan, I will now arise,” says the Lord; “I will place him in the safety for which he longs.”
It follows up by saying:
“The words of the Lord are pure words, like silver refined in a furnace on the ground, purified seven times.”
In other words, unlike the twisted, evil tongues of the unfaithful that spew out wickedness leading to vile actions, the Lord does not lie. The Lord is holy and pure. The Lord seeks justice and the good of people. And His ability to fulfill His words trumps the unfaithful and boastful who think they are above Him.

“Because the poor are plundered”...consider the poverty of so many who are trafficked; the lack of resources and options, the vulnerabilities that lead their very bodies to being “plundered” by wicked men. Their innocence, safety, dignity stolen and denied.

“Because the needy groan”...consider the cries, the screams, the silence of the victims of these terrible crimes. Those drawing out these “groans” may think they are above consequence, but God hears, God sees and God cares.

“I will now arise”...Yes! Yes, Lord, do not hesitate another moment, ARISE! I pray, ARISE! Come on the clouds in anger, power and love, wielding Your scepter of justice as You do in Psalm 18. Do not delay, You must arise! You must arise. You must. You must arise...

...As I just wrote the words above, I heard inside my heart, “I HAVE arisen; it is My Church that must arise and that has now begun to rise. Their hand can wield My justice, My mercy and My power. Their hand can place the poor and needy into the safety for which they long. Arise! I say to you, My Church, ARISE!”

Yes. Your words are pure, because You, Lord, are pure. You do not lie, and therefore, I will arise in You here on earth, I will seek to lift up the needy and the plundered poor, I will proclaim Your power and position to those who deny You, and I will seek safety for those whose groans you have heard, whose tears You have gathered, who silent suffering You have seen. Help me be Your hands and feet in ending these horrific injustices against humanity.

Meditations on Psalm 84: The highways to Zion

Psalm 84:5-7
“Blessed are those whose strength is in You,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion.”

A friend said to me the other day after I had shared with her a burden on my heart, “I didn’t think anything bad ever happened to you, you’re happy all the time.” I know she was speaking in jest, as she is aware of some of the things I have walked through in the last few years, but it got me thinking. Thinking about the phrases in the bible that start with, “Blessed is the one who....”

In most of these places, the Greek word is “esher,” which means “blessedness, happiness.” Being blessed and being happy should by definition go hand in hand; the blessing of God should produce deep and abiding joy. By looking in these verses, we can find things that bring about this blessed happiness. Even within Psalm 84 we have a few examples; things such as dwelling in the house of the Lord, singing His praise, finding strength in God, trusting Him...and finally in verse 5, having within the heart “highways to Zion.”

What does this mean? I will tell you what I think of these highways that lead to Zion. I think this is in reference to the truths of scripture. My paraphrase would be something like this: “In whose heart are the Truths that point to the Lord.” Throughout the bible, we learn truth and promises that point us to the Lord; that tell us who we are in Him, that tell us how to live for Him, that reveal to us the very heart of the One True Living God. This truth within us changes us, it strengthens us, it directs us to Zion.

Look at the verses following this statement: As this blessed one goes “through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.” The Valley of Baca literally means “The Valley of Weeping”...it is a place of brokenness and despair; it is a place that wrenches sorrow from the depth of a person; it is dark, as the mountains that loom around it block out the sun. Have you been to and/or through this place? Because life has these valleys. They lie between the peaks, and we must venture through them to know the joy, the wholeness, the grace-filled growth of the other side.

But look, my friends. Look at what the blessed one whose heart points to Zion finds in the Valley of Weeping...they turn the flowing tears into springs at which to be nourished and to flourish, they find that God had gone before them and covered it with pools of water to quench their parched souls along the way (the work He’s already done in them goes with them). They find strength in this living water, and as this strength wanes from holding them up, lifting their heavy feet to move forward, dragging them across the rocky ground...it needs only to last to the next spring, where they are restored and revived by a strength that is greater still.

Yes, for the joy set before them--the Zion to which their heart longs and points--the blessed and happy pilgrim weeps their way through the valley, knowing there is glory on the other side.

So yes, I am happy. But it is not for lack of weeping. It is because my gut-wrenching sorrows always fall on the eternal joy that lives in the core of me. Over the last few painful years, I have clung to the truths I know...in the times I cannot open up the Word, it comes from within; in the moments I cannot pray, the Spirit intercedes; in the silences when I cannot sing, my redeemed soul leaps for me. God has interwoven Himself so thoroughly through my life that even in the depth of the pit, in the jagged holes at the bottom of Valley of Weeping, we cannot be separated. He is always before me; my questions lead me into His presence, my sorrow leads me into His arms, my sin leads me into His cross, and my weeping leads me into His truth.

Blessed am I and happy is my soul, redeemed by Jesus and running into Him forever.