laying down the nets

Matthew 4:18–20 “While walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.”Immediately they left their nets and followed Him.”
 

leave your nets

©hannah mclean 10-12-2024

 

will you leave your nets
and follow Me?
will you lay down old
the new to see?
will you trust your works
can leave your hands
and pick up where
Redeemer stands?
 

will you forfeit
all you’ve ever known
and follow Me
from house and home?

it matters not that
men say “no”
it matters not where
men say “go”
it matters only
if you choose
to follow Me
your nets to lose
 

a better word
i have for you
a better work
your hands to do
I look across
your narrow sea
and call you out
“will you follow Me?”

to touch the Father

 the wrestle
©4-4-2024 hannah mclean

He is Jehovah-Rapha, the God who heals
we come to Him again and again
when the broken world breaks us
when the wounded world wounds us
when the fallen nature seeks to fell us  

“be who You say You are,” we plead

and sometimes in our seeking of healing,
the Lord reaches out and touches our body
or our soul
and we are well in a moment

but often times the healing is slow
we must squirm out from under our bondage
feel the pain of the washing of punctured flesh
our deliverance requiring time
the wait warranting a wrestle

and our hearts cry out, “Why?!”

this morning as i looked into the face of the raising sun
and pondered why the wrestle
the Spirit pressed on me
“it is in the wrestle that we get to touch the Father.”

healing in a moment feels the touch of God
but healing through a wrestle
finds the hands clinging to the Father’s arms
beating against the Father’s chest
winding around the Father’s feet

the wrestle is where we draw near:
near enough to feel
the breath of God upon our face;
near enough to feel with our fingers
the finished work of Jesus;
near enough to know not just the Father’s touch
but what it feels like to be with Him

with every reaching hand
and clinging grasp
we learn both the strength
and the gentleness
of the Almighty’s hands and heart

do not despise the wrestle
the wrestle is where we touch the Father

God of Jacob

 “The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
He utters His voice, the earth melts.
The Lord of Hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
Psalm 46:6–7

a prayer as the nations rage and the kingdoms totter:

©10-17-2023 hannah mclean

o God of Jacob
willing to wrestle
with the wayward, wounded and weary

rest You mighty hand
upon my heart
and mark me
with the limp of Your choosing
that i may never walk without You

for in You
is love and life and light

His face is mine

Habakkuk 3:17–19a "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fail and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights."

worship of the weary
©4-26-23 hannah mclean

on valley floor
with eyes swollen
from bawling
voice a whisper
from endless calling
the whimper of the weary
dissolves in worship

lament of faith too small
looks up into Your face
to find not disappointment
but pleasure that
the downcast eyes have
searched for Yours

inside the heap of rubble
broken bits of heart and circumstance
the air fills
with worship of the only One worthy

for when prayer
goes unanswered
worship still satisfies
for Holy face is more than
what flows from Holy hand

deepest desire meets
deepest need
and finds no lack

His face is mine

Over the Waters

It's been a season where I feel like I'm caught in a perpetual rain storm, I know that when it stops raining the scene that will be in front of me will be full of beauty...I can feel the impending thrill of a new season. But the transition has been long and arduous. I've found myself pulling up a chair in the presence of the One who separated the waters in Genesis 1, who parted the waters in Exodus 14, who opened rocks and earth to draw water up from the depths of the earth (Exodus 17) and broke open clouds to make it pour down from the sky (Genesis 7), who brings the rain as easily as He stops it (1 Kings 18), and manages the waves of oceans (Job 38). This song comes from my time in this chair:

i stand
in falling waters
they pour upon my head
i look
through blurry vision
eyes searching for what Your said
for I know
who You are and
i know on
Whom I stand
my voice rings out
through sounds of thunder
to the One who holds me
by my right hand

Part the waters
like You’ve done before
separate the waters
by the power of Your word
order the waters
make them pools beneath my feet
You bring order to the chaos
for the waters bend to Your authority

i stand
in falling waters
they pour upon my head
i look
through blurry vision
eyes searching for what You said
for I know
You are truth and
I know I
will not fall
my voice cries out
through rushing torrents
to the One who keeps me
Lord over all

Part the waters
like You’ve done before
separate the waters
by the powers of Your word
order the waters
make them pools beneath my feet
You bring order to the chaos
for the waters bow to Your authority

A paraphrase of Psalm 143

Sometimes I find a Psalm that mirrors my heart’s cry, and in it I find the healing balm of companionship in my suffering. Here is my paraphrase of Psalm 143:

"Lord, hear my prayer! I’m crying out for mercy; pleading with You not to bring the judgment I deserve, but instead to bring Your faithful, righteous nature to tend to me because my life is all out of sorts.

I want to serve You freely, but the enemy won’t let up. He pursues the entirety of me; he crushes my whole life into the ground. My body fails, I cannot endure the pressing: I am dejected—thrown down. His foot won’t lift from my back; his figure and shadow block the light, and darkness overwhelms me. My spirit faints, Lord. My heart is appalled by self and circumstance.

As I sit here in the darkness with the oppressor’s strength upon me, I turn my mind to consider You; I lean upon the testimonies of what You have done…Your work and Your love, the ways You have worked in me and on me, turning my previous seasons of fainting in parched deserts into flourishing vineyards of flowing new wine. I remember who You are, I remember Your heart for me and Your power in me and Your love for me. I stretch out my hands to You. You say if we thirst, we are to come to You, and I am like a scorched land—dried up and emptied of life. I hunger and thirst for You and I will be satisfied.

Quickly, Lord. I languish. I need Your hand and Your help now. My spirit fails. Don’t turn Your face from me or hide the light of Your countenance from me. If You turn away, all is lost for me.

Let me hear You this morning—in the opening of my eyes to the promise of light, I trust if I listen, I will hear the song of love You sing over me.

Make me know the way I should go, for all of my hope for standing or moving from beneath the enemy’s strength is found in You. You are ALL of my hope. ALL of me is crying out to be lifted by ALL of You. Deliver me! I have run to You for refuge, let me find deliverance in the shelter of Your presence.

Teach me Your will, for You are my God. Not enemy or self or any other thing gets to direct me from this point. I want things Your way, according to Your will—no lesser thing will do. Your Spirit is good, only You can lead me on level ground, in right ways, so that I rise in good standing with solid foundation beneath my feet. I want my feet to land upon the narrow way, the path of life.

For Your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life. I am Your servant, I carry Your name as I journey through this life. I want people to look at me and see Your love, your righteousness and Your standards at work; I want them to watch you intimately weave Your life into the life of one You made. If You are not working in me and on me and through me, I will tarnish Your name. For Your name’s sake, I need You to lift my soul from this trouble in a display of Your righteousness at work. I need You to flood me with Your steadfast love and cut of my enemy’s power over me through it. Your love destroys the oppressor’s grip, it causes the adversary’s vexation to cease, it overrules the afflicter’s power to destroy.

I long to serve You well. In every way the enemy hinders this longing in this season, for the sake of Your name, make manifest Your victory and lift me up."

new seeds

Isaiah 43:16–19 “Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters, who brings forth chariot and horse, army and warrior; they lie down, they cannot rise, they are extinguished, quenched like a wick: “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

a new thing
©10-27-2021 hannah mclean

Father
Maker of ways unseen
Opener of springs in dry places
Bringer of new life to barren lands
Source of prevailing hope

i set my mind on Heaven
i set my heart on the Is, Was and Will Be
i set my hands upon the plow
and move my feet onward

help me tend the land
where i stand
fallow ground no more
cast Your new seeds
and bring forth in me
Your vision
Your purpose for forming

i will worship and praise
with my feet upon the way
You unfurl before me

hidden no more
may my faith find sight

You formed
for Yourself
receive Your worth

A meditation on Psalm 73: "Nevertheless"

I’ve been reading Psalm 73 the last few days and my meditations on the truths there have been so powerful and timely for me that I wanted to share them with you.

Before I launch into the passage I want to speak specifically about, I’m going to give you a brief overview of what’s going on in this psalm. The psalmist here is looking at the world around him and he sees incredible wickedness; people are doing terrible things, oppression is rampant and people marked by arrogance, violence, mockery, and evil are prospering. They are flourishing in the world, with just blatant disregard for God and certainty that there is no consequence for their actions. And the psalmist is looking at all this happening and is crying out, “Why do the wicked prosper?! What is going on?!” He’s like, “God, I have not joined them, so why do I suffer and they flourish?” And finally, it says he goes into the house of the Lord and God shows him their end.
    If you are struggling with what you see in the world around you and want clear vision, that comes from the Lord, go get in His presence and seek Him.

The last portion of this psalm ends with the passage I want to talk about. Verses 23–26:
“NEVERTHELESS, I am continually with You: You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

My favorite word in this entire Psalm is “nevertheless.” This word is a hinge between the beginning and the end of this psalm. The verses before are in 3 pieces: First, the psalmist lays out his complaint before God: Why do the wicked prosper?! Second, he goes into the house of the Lord and sees things through God’s eyes. And third, he is humbled. Right before this passage, the psalmist lays out his heart before God…and it is tainted by sin. He confesses that his heart is pricked and his soul is embittered…not just a bitter heart, but a bitter soul—your soul is the entirety of your being. In watching the evil unfold in the world around him and seeking to understand it with his own eyes, he became bitter and his actions overflowed in sin toward God: He says, “I was brutish and ignorant, I was like a beast toward You.”
    We must be very cautious; if we try to navigate the evils of this world in our own strength, vision and righteousness, we will find ourselves overcome by the darkness.

This “nevertheless” is gloriously full. It is full of wonder, of mercy and grace, of humility…and it leads to worship.

    When we seek God for clear vision, He doesn’t just show us one angle. We see 3 things in this Psalm that He gives us clear vision of: He showed the psalmist that the wicked’s prospering had an end. He gave the psalmist a greater understanding of God—that He is a God of righteousness and justice who will eventually make all things right. And He revealed to the psalmist the condition of his own heart. Because here’s the truth, there’s not such thing as “good people” and “bad people”…here are just sinful people who need Jesus…and some of us are already clinging to Him to be counted righteous before a holy God, and some of us are not yet.

And I love this “nevertheless”…the psalmist has seen the righteous justice of God and it has revealed the wickedness of his own heart. He had tried to understand the world around him in his own strength, he had RIGHTLY cried out against wickedness and RIGHTLY desired justice. He had suffered and observed oppression and had risen up when there seemed to be no consequence for the evil he saw and experienced. But to maintain a pure heart before the Lord when we try to understand the world around us, it is vital that we go to Him to process because on our own we are no less wicked apart from Jesus that the ones we cry out against.

And this psalmist sees that. And you can almost hear his sigh of relief as He says, “Nevertheless, I am continually with you.” I’m still with You! You’re still with ME! You hold my hand so my flesh does not cast me down completely. You are so kind to offer me Your counsel when I cry out, You are so faithful to guide me. And I marvel that even now, You will still receive me into glory. Nevertheless.

And I love that this full and humble sigh leads to a heart that pours out in worship: My longing is YOU, Lord! My desire is YOU! My strength is YOU! My portion is YOU! At the end of the day, You are all I want and I have You.

When our response to the wickedness and injustice around us reveals the wickedness of our own hearts, let us rejoice, delight and wonder at the “nevertheless” that we find in the mercy of God. Because we must remember that our God is His beauty is incredibly patient. He knows the end of all things, and with Him, justice delayed is not justice denied. It is just that He does not want ANYONE, no matter how vile, to die without knowing salvation in Jesus. And so He waits. And as people who believe He is righteous and just, we must humble ourselves before Him. And it can be so painful to wait with Him. We must lament how our impatience can lead to bitterness of heart and soul, and how this effects the way we view our Holy, timely God. And we must marvel and cling to our own “nevertheless” and the mercy it holds as we consider with clarity things through God’s eyes. Let us be worshipers of God in the face of wickedness and oppression.

Because at the end of the day, you and I need Jesus…no matter how many years we walk with Him, we will never need Him less. And what a glory it is to say, “nevertheless” He’s with me! He keeps me when I struggle with sin, He guides me with His counsel when I can’t see the whole picture, and He afterward will still receive me to glory! Whom have I in heaven but You, God?! Earth has NOTHING I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail again and again and again…but glory be, YOU are the strength of my heart and my portion FOREVER.

So I leave you with this: IF you are struggling to see past our unraveling society and what it holds, cry out to God for vision. And then repent. Marvel. And Worship.

“Nevertheless”

You know

knowing
©6-1-2020 hannah mclean

You know
the details of all light shines upon
and the actuality hidden in darkness

You know
the heights of glory’s reach
and the depths of evil’s roots

You know
the multitude of chaos’ tangled web
and the paths of its unweaving

You know
the balance of justice’s scales
and the measures of its opposition

You know
the words and silences the ring out 
and the hearts that offer them up

and when my mind 
my heart
my understanding
cannot fathom the situations
i behold
i have but one place to rest

i know 
You

the Refuge that never fails

my Hiding Place
©4-26-2020 hannah mclean 

You are my Hiding Place
Your wings close over me
when life brings
pain unyielding
fear overflowing
brazen unknowns
that sweep the stability
of my feet
downstream

You are my Hiding Place
Your wings close over me
shielding me from darkness
when sides too steep
create valleys too deep
to venture forth
or rise
Your presence
passes through
my fingers vainly covering
to show me light
in the dark nights
of my soul 

You are my Hiding Place
Your wings close over me
shelter
in the battles
that rage
inside and out
in the storms
that toss me
bruising
breaking
bewildering
in the many rushing waters
that threaten to
uproot the hope
dislodge the dream
distort the way
and
in the mundane sway
of waiting
waiting
day by day

You are my Hiding Place
Your wings close over me
when forgotten shadows
of times past
emerge within me
crippling the moment
marring the movement
of my present
i writhe beneath
the weight of
my weakest places
unafraid
to look
to feel
to weep
for i have learned
the ways of Your
mysterious healing measures
safe in Your shadow
mine yield

You are my Hiding Place
Your wings close over me
the Refuge
that never fails
fashioned from the everlasting stones
of Your love

Clarifying the sacrifice.

My daughter asked me yesterday what the word “diverge” meant. I told her that it meant to suddenly veer off in a new direction. This conversation popped back into my head today after I shared with a friend how my life had seemed to be on a course, when, with the revealing of twins in my womb, I was abruptly set on a different path leading to unknown places.

God seemed to be opening doors for me to walk through; doors that utilized abilities and tapped into passions I carry inside me that long to be used, grown and relayed. And in an instant, all of life came to a screeching halt as I was brought face-to-face with a future filled with unknown territory and demands.

I feel like I stopped moving my feet and simply was left to look longingly at the open doors in front of me that now seem too far out of reach.

You know, motherhood requires a lot of self-sacrifice; daily you are called to set aside your needs and wants to tend to others. My daughter wanted to make breakfast for everyone the other day and when she finally headed to the breakfast table with her own plate of cold food, she sighed and said, “I don’t think I’m going to do that again.” But motherhood asks you to “do that again”; to lay yourself aside again and again for the sake of others you love. And I am grateful to learn this sacrificial love, and to wrestle for the heart of gratitude that allows me to do it without resentment or discontent.

And I have been looking at this situation of a twin pregnancy meeting open doors that I must walk past as a sacrificial act of love; where I set aside the gifts and abilities that would have been used and grown there for a different season that I have been called to.

But I’ve been looking at it the wrong way.

I often think of the gifts and abilities that I’ve gained over the years of walking with the Lord as being things He uses or doesn’t use as He desires. After all, they’re His, not mine, and exercised outside of His anointing and presence they could bring about no fruit for the Kingdom. And if I am not in a season where He asks me to sing on the worship team, or use my graphic design skills, or be involved in trafficking outreach, or lead prayer gatherings, then I feel like my gifts and abilities are left dormant until He calls them up again. I try to be faithful in every season; willing to be used in little or in much, submitted to His hands.

But God never told me to set aside the abilities and giftings I have gleaned from one season as I move to another. I’m to carry them with me…to find ways to bring them into the next place I must stand. I don’t think I’ve done that well. I may never sing on a worship team again, but that doesn’t mean the songs I’ve written shouldn’t echo off the walls of my own home. I may never lead a prayer meeting again, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be leading my own chlidren into lives of intersession. I may never join a creative round table again, but that doesn’t mean I can’t teach my children the power of visual advocacy and creatively displaying ideas. I may never teach women the Word, but that doesn’t mean teaching my future women is any less a gift.

God never asked me to sacrifice my gifts and abilities when I change seasons.

So what did I ACTUALLY set aside when I diverged from the path I thought was being laid out in front of me? My own idea of what things would look like; what I, with my limited imagination, could visualize. When I look at it that way, I find that’s actually not a hard thing for me to sacrifice; I’ve learned over the last 15 years that as unusual or unexpected as God’s ways may be, they are always better than my own. His desires, His way. That’s what I want.

And I’m grateful to shake off the pain of “self” from this diverged path; because the destination to where I walk is certainly a place of gain, not of loss.

trustworthy

simple trust
©10-31-18 hannah mclean

in spite of the complexity of my thoughts
of the specificity of my words
of the odd angles of my view
i am simple

i trust the LORD

wholly

if He tells me something
i believe Him

if His Word says something it true
i believe it

when i encounter hard things
i expect Him to be who He says He is
i expect Him to do what He says He will do

whether i understand fully now
or remain confused for the moment
i trust Him to reveal in His time
or conceal is His wisdom

i trust the Lord

wholly

and sometimes i wonder why
why do i do that?
why does it seem to come easy when others struggle?
where did that trust come from?
how come i can wholeheartedly lean on the Lord with such simplicity?

and in this season of healing old wounds
i see one reason

for many years
the LORD is the ONLY ONE i trusted 
every other person failed
even my own hands came up empty

but there was the LORD

and He was trustworthy
and i was overwhelmed with fear
and the sight was such a comfort
that i cast myself upon Him
i lay myself before Him
i wound myself around Him
i placed myself within His mighty arms

and in that place of trust
i found peace

and in that place of trust
i still find peace

and in that place of trust
i will always find peace

because simply put
the LORD is trustworthy
and in that sweet simplicity
i can wholly rest

-----

Isaiah 26:3–4 “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock.”

To lack no good thing

I was talking with an older woman at family camp this past week; I asked her if there was a verse that she was leaning on through her season of suffering (her answer was Psalm 103) and I wanted to share the one that stands out to me lately.

Psalm 34:10 “The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.”

To me this profoundly comforting. So many time in my seasons of suffering, loss and affliction, I find myself grieving. I grieve losses of persons, dreams, hopes, comforts, possibilities, dignity, strength, voice, relationship, health...whatever in those moments has been removed from me. And yet, as I stand before the Lord; seeking Him, looking to Him, clinging to Him, weeping to Him...poured out and raw before Him...I am confronted with this lovely truth in Psalm 34:10 and I know: No matter what I have lost in this world, I will leave my posture of prayer lacking “no good thing.”

Young lions are strong, powerful, full of possibility and life. They face their futures on top of the food chain and victories lie before them. Physically speaking, I do not relate. But this verse says, even they fail, even they need, even they will go without.

But I, in all my clumsiness and weakness, certainly qualify for the second half of this verse.

The word “seek” here is translated from the word “Darash,” which means to go to a place, to frequent it, to tread a place with your feet making a path, to go to one in prayer, to implore the aid of, to resort to.

This describes my walk with Jesus through my suffering. I have tread a path to Him in my need; I have crawled that path, run that path, trudged that path, laid upon that path, walked that path. I have frequented it; day after day or moment after moments...whatever is required. I have cast myself upon the Lord in my seeking; acknowledging Him as my Hope and my Help.

And this is why this verse brings me such comfort. Because no matter what my situations, circumstances or sin have robbed me of, they have no power to take from me even ONE good thing. The Lord is mine; all that He has promised me will come to me. And the losses in this life, the suffering, and even the strength of the lion are under His feet.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 3

I have found that pregnancy after a miscarriage has some unexpected twists; for example, my heart cringes every time this child is referred to as Baby #4. It took me a month longer to realize that I was pregnant with this child than with the others; it never dawned on me because I’ve been praying for another baby for two years and my body had failed in many ways that made it impossible. When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out. Not because I wasn’t overjoyed (I was and AM), but because after I lost my last baby, I distinctly declared this statement as true about myself, “A baby put in this body will die.” My pregnancy with Evelyn scared me; it was a day-to-day assessment to determine if it was more dangerous for me to remain pregnant or to deliver a premature child into the world. And when she was finally born, the tiniest thing I’d ever held, I wept with relief that she was ok in spite of the fact that my blood pressure was slowly killing the placenta that was suppose to be sustaining and nurturing her.

I don’t think it was unreasonable to freak out. I have been waiting for 2 years for the Lord to heal my body, and I had assumed He would heal it before He put a baby in it. But He didn’t...so the same body that put Evelyn’s life in the balance and was unable to carry Theo, that body now houses a new child.

So I went and stood before the Lord and I told Him all my fears. I praised Him because I was excited, and I wondered at His curious ways, and I told Him I was confused and afraid and I didn’t know what to do about my medication or my emotions. And He listened.

He didn’t tell me what to do, or why He did things the way He did, or when He was going to heal my body...nor did He rebuke my fear. Instead He told me two things: He told me WHO He is and He gave me a hope to hang onto. He said something along these lines (this I will paraphrase), “I am the Creator and Sustainer of Life. This child’s wellbeing does not depend on your body’s performance, it depends entirely on Me.” And He also said (and this is not a paraphrase), “This child is for your joy, not your sorrow.”

And that has proven to be enough.

All the fears I walked into this pregnancy with flee before this truth--God is the creator and sustainer of life--and this promise--this child is for my joy, not my sorrow. The fear that my body could not sustain this baby fled at His words to me; the fear that my body had failed again when I started bleeding at 9 weeks--and again at 17 weeks--fled when I reminded myself of this truth and promise; the fear of heartbreaking disappointment fled with this permission to be excited; the fear that should have swelled up in me when my doctor listed off all the dangerous things she was anticipating could happen during this pregnancy could not take root in my mind; the fears that should understandably roll through my mind cannot gain momentum...and the whole things leaves me marveling at the work God has done in me over this season I am leaving. He has opened up new depth and understanding of His perfect love for me, and the result is shown in the fruit my life now bears: I have been fearless in this pregnancy. And any of you who know me well know this is no small miraculous work of God.

-------
1 John 4:10,16,18,19
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 2

1 John 4:10,16,18,19
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us.

“To know and to believe the love that God has for us.”
This phrase struck me pretty hard when I read it today. I had ventured into 1 John 4 to see the passage that contained the phrase, “Perfect love casts out fear,” and found this sentence to be vitally descriptive of how I was brought to the place where I allowed Perfect Love to cast out my fear.

It is one thing to know the love of God...it is another thing all-together to BELIEVE that love for ourselves. I can pray 10,000 prayers for any person with utter confidence of the Lord’s heart for them (no matter where they stand or what they have/haven’t done), I can believe with full assurance for others with ease (no matter the impossibility of the situation). But the Lord brought to my attention a good 8 years ago my hesitation to trust His heart for me.

I’ve been on a strange healing journey over the last 2 years...arguably, it probably started with this moment with the Lord eight years ago: I was reading in John 5 the story of the man at the Pool of Bethesda. I had read it many times before, I had marveled at the interaction the Lord had with him: He had been sick for 38 years, and Jesus walked up to him and asked him, “Do you want to be healed?” Before this time, I had always thought, “What a weird question; OF COURSE he wants to be healed.” But the man doesn’t say, “Yes.” Instead he tells Jesus why it isn’t possible. As I read this story on this particular day, I felt like Jesus stood in front of me, looked me in the eye and said, “Do you want to be healed?”

And I did not say, “Yes.” Even though I wanted to be healed, I hesitated. And as I considered why this was, I had to own up to this fact: While I did not doubt God’s ability to heal me, I doubted His heart for me. An ugly reality I had to face. And folks, I am clearly not a fast learner...it took me SIX years to trust the Lord enough to ask Him to heal me.

I was considering how I got there. What brought me to a place where I knew AND believed the love God has for me? While there are probably a zillion factors that play into this, I am going to tell you what happened to me in this season I am leaving.

My brother Noah died in August of 2012. It was a startling and costly blow to my family and my heart. It cast me into a valley that I trudged through for two long years; many days were spent simply curled up in a heap of sorrow because I had no strength to stand. From the moment of the phone call, I wrapped my arms around the Lord and dug my fingers into His sides; clinging lest I lose my grip on the One thing that I was certain of.

Grief is a complicated beast: You can’t speed it up or slow it down, it just comes as it will and you deal with the waves as they crash into you, wading through the aftermath of your losses. But the Lord was with me, and His gentleness surprised me and overwhelmed me as I encountered it again and again. Because that grip I had when I was thrust onto the path of grief, the embrace that allowed me to feel secure with the Lord, it failed; my fingers were not strong enough and my arms atrophied.

But in a place of utter weakness, where I had nothing within myself to keep me, no strength to hold myself up; no zeal to remain...in THAT place I was kept, I was upheld, I was encompassed in the holistic embrace of the Lord. He was so gentle in my failings, utterly compassionate in the place I lay; He did not condemn me that I had nothing to offer Him, no courage to reach out. Instead, He seized the opportunity of my stillness and chose to display His love for me in a way that I had never known. I simply received it; unmerited, indescribable, surprising and precise affection. And it changed me forever.

And while I am sure it was not the only thing that swayed me in the direction of trust, it is the most vibrant one I see as I ponder my season, and I am overwhelmingly thankful.

“To know and to believe the love that God has for us.” There is such security there. I wish I had the words to tell you.

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 1

Changes of seasons lead me to places of introspection; of consideration of the season that is passing to understand what I bring with me into the one I will enter. I really do believe that some of the sweetest times I have with the Lord are as seasons close--no matter how sweet or how bitter--because inevitably when I look, I see His hand, His wisdom, His kindness, His love, His care for me; I see the ways He has honed and shaped and sifted and faithfully worked so meticulously to sanctify and grow me; I see what He has done. And all of this pondering inevitably leads me to sit down and write...the completion of understanding and the springboard to testifying.

So here I am. Sitting in front of a keyboard finally, prepared to put into words why this phrase sums up the last 4 years: “Perfect love casts out fear.”

The Lord brought me a mentor and she has been a great gift to me. One of the things that stands out to me in our conversations is that as she sees me from the outside, she points out things I can’t see...to her, it is vibrantly miraculous when and where I stand without fear.

I was raised in fear; it was pounded into me from the pulpit, it was used to manipulate and control me. I was an easy target, as I wore my emotions on my sleeve and my little heart desired to please. To find and to feed my fears wasn’t difficult, it resulted in me seeking to regain control: Before I knew Jesus, one of the few things I found was able to subdue my fears was to control my environment and do things on your own terms. Fear caused me to control and to distrust.

Then I met Jesus, and I found verses in scripture that told me things like, “Cast my fears upon the Lord for He cares for you,” and “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” And my life changed. I gave up my need to control my fears and simply threw them at the cross.

And then I walked with Jesus for years, and I found verses in scripture that told me more things like, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me,” and “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?...Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.” And my life changed again. I found that I didn’t need to pick of my fears to cast them, that instead they simply dispelled in the presence of the Lord.

And then I kept walking with Jesus for more years; I walked with Him through season after season; through the losses, the joys, the failures, the triumphs, the pains, the afflictions, the trials, the glories of my life. Day in and day out, He has been with me in my moments and He showed me verses in scripture that said things like, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent,” “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness,” and “I will protect him, because he knows My name.” And my life changed again. I found that there is peace that transcends life’s circumstances, peace that does not give way to the things that should cause me to fear because it stems from a source that is unchanging and unhindered and unswayed by the enormity of my need, the limitations I hold and weaknesses I carry. I have found myself in such a place of security in the hands of the Lord that fear doesn’t arise where it has a thousand times before even if there are a thousand very real reasons to. And though I have always said that I am fearful by nature, I find myself now trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the Lord can change a person’s nature.

I keep finding myself wondering, “Where is my fear?”
I am standing on unfamiliar ground, marveling at what has happened to my heart.
I do not know where my fear has gone, but I DO know that it is the perfect love of the Lord that has cast it out.

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1 John 4:10,16,18,19
"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us."

You are good.

I was reading in Genesis the other day about the life of Joseph, and when I reached this passage, I cried.

Genesis 42:51–52 Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh. “For,” he said, “God has made me forget my hardship and all my father’s house.” The name of the second he called Ephraim, “For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.”

It may seem strange to cry at the naming of a stranger’s sons thousands of years before I was born, but MAN...when you consider Joseph’s life, these names bring the tears.

Joseph was a man marked by God; it says that everywhere he went, people recognized that the Lord was with him. He was marked not only by the presence of God, but by the favor of God.

Not too long ago, I was looking into the meaning of the word “favor” (because I’m a freak of nature who enjoys word studies), and one of the explanations that touched my heart said that when one is favored by the Lord, it means He spreads His goodness over them. Joseph was so vividly cloaked by the favor of the Lord...seriously, no matter where his foot stepped--be it a pit, a house of slavery, a prison cell, Pharaoh’s courts--he was set in a place of honor. Sometimes immediately, as in the case of Pharaoh who, after having met him ONE time, set him over his entire house and all the land of Egypt. The favor of the Lord is powerful stuff...who can cast down what the Lord raises up? Who can close doors that the Lord opens? Who can form a weapon strong enough to destroy what the Lord protects? No one.

So when I read this passage in Genesis 42, my mind ran through a list of Joseph’s many years of hardship and affliction (and they are vast and terrible)...and I delighted that Joseph exalted God for His goodness as he stood in that moment of a life he had not chosen, but had entrusted himself to God in.

Because lately, I feel like Joseph in verses 51–52; lately all I see is the goodness of the Lord spread out over my life. My days are filled with moments of realization of what the Lord has done for me: I see with vivid wonder how He has marked my life with His generous goodness...and it is not because I have left “the land of my affliction” behind me (yet).

So I just wanted to praise the Lord before you, because at this moment in my life, He “has made me forget my hardship” and “has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.”

The LORD has been good to me.

(I wrote this poem during prayer tonight.)

You are good
©hannah mclean 10-26-16

i look around
and all i see
is Your overflowing goodness
poured out on me

everywhere i turn
pictures fill my mind
of what was
what is
and what will be

Your goodness pulses with my pain
Your goodness billows from my storms
Your goodness streams beside my tears
Your goodness glistens through my distresses

Your goodness crowns the life i have lived

i stand
in the middle of life’s road
where circumstances, hazards and victories
have compiled the scenery around me
and i marvel
that all i see
is Your overwhelming goodness
lavished on me

who has filled my open hand?

the scorpion
©hannah mclean 8-3-16

i look down at the scorpion in my hand
its glaring eyes burn with hatred
as it takes a threatening pose
pointing its venomous tail in my direction

my response is not so much fear
at its presence
as it is confusion

why is there a scorpion in my hand?
i wonder

i sat before You, Father,
for the first time nearly 2 years ago
having mustered up the courage
to believe in Your affections for me
enough to extend my hand to You
in utter humility asking You
to meet my need

a good gift
i needed a good gift

i look down at the scorpion in my hand
setting upon my open palm
seething with evil
desiring my demise

and through my mind rolls Your words
“what father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent;
or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”
Luke 11:11–13

why is there a scorpion in my hand?

You did not change
You are still who You say You are
Your goodness still good
Your affections still as my Father
Your intentions still heavenly

with my palm open before me
i see the enemy smirking at me from afar

for the moment I opened my hand
he placed upon it his cruelty
his diversion tactics
his perilous schemes
his twisted lies

he voice poured out a degrading whisper
a cadence in my vulnerable ears
of thoughts that could sway me
away from the One for whom I wait

and as i choose to stand
again and again each moment
upon the Truth
he perseveres
abrading my confidence
with empty threats
and accusations
against the One whom my soul loves

Father, i believe
this scorpion is not from You
help me cast off
this poisonous creature
help me abide
in Your presence
with my expectant hand
still stretched out to You
the One who gives good gifts

for You have said:
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives,
and the one who seeks finds,
and to the one who knocks it will be opened.
Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?
If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!”
Matthew 7:7–11

when i have nothing left

enough
©4-26-16 hannah mclean

You are enough

no matter the deficits i hold
nor the reality of my inability to fill them
no matter the wounds that mar me
nor the reality of my inability to bind them

i may stand before You
with startling gaps of insecurities
with fraying edges where i have been too long battered
with scars that leave me beyond recognition

but i do not stand before You alone

You do not cringe when You look upon me
You do not turn away in disgust
You do not pass by on the other side of my desperation
You meet my gaze
You lift my head
You kneel beside me in the dust

You are enough

You are enough for the moments
when i can bear it no longer
You are enough for the moments
when my voice is hoarse from pleading
You are enough for the moments
when i’m worn so thin a breeze could blow me apart
You are enough for the moments
when i have nothing
when i am nothing
when i feel nothing but pain and dread and longing and doubt

if all i have as i face my tomorrow
is You
this i know
i have enough

Psalm 29:10 "The Lord sits enthroned over the flood; the Lord sits enthroned as king forever."

i gave it back

surrendered
©4-4-16 hannah mclean

i look at the table in front of me
on it rests an alabaster box
open and
awaiting the offering
with which I will fill it
the one that i will set into Your lap
no longer mine
but Yours

it is not perfume of great price
but it is as fragrant to You
for my offering has wrapped within it
the sweet aroma of prayer
weathered year after weathered year
colored by the memory of countless tears
creased and crumpled by my desperate clutch

20 lines containing 84 words
i place inside my alabaster box
the promise to fulfill my deepest desire
and close the lid

lifting my offering
i raise it up to You
releasing it in Your faithful hands

i place my arms back by my sides
mixed emotions drag themselves across
my unburdened face
as i look down at my empty hands
but i do not turn to go
instead I kneel
and wrap my arms around Your feet
as my tears fall

i will not withhold anything from You
and if ever i find my hands
wound tightly around something
that is not You
may i be faithful to place it into
an alabaster box
that i may be free to cling to You
the One whom my soul loves