my song: psalm 40

unrestrained
©12/30/09 hannah mclean

when iniquities have overtaken
and i cannot see
when evil beyond number
has encompassed me
when my heart fails
be pleased
be pleased
be pleased, o Lord, to deliver me
my unrestrained lips plead
for unrestrained mercy

You bend to hear me
i proclaim You
You have preserved me
i proclaim You
Lord, You have freed me and
i proclaim You

You have multiplied
the wondrous works that You have done
who can compare with You?
not one
not one
not one

faithful to save
i tell the glad news of You
steadfast to love
unconcealed, i reveal You
my unrestrained lips flow
i speak what i know

You have multiplied
the wondrous works that You have done
who can compare with You?
not one
not one
not one

overwhelmed

Song of Solomon 1:15 “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves.”

Psalm 36:9 For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light do we see light.

i am my Beloved’s
©12-26-09 hannah mclean

stripped bare
revealed
unhidden
my scars and bruises present themselves to you
every stain and sin displayed
the places i bleed from spatter You
cracked, shattered, patched
anxieties and worries shown
all that holds me known
i am laid out before Your eyes
nothing to cover me but Your Son
who bathes me in light
naked
yet unashamed in Your presence
i hear You say
in the voice to which my knees bow
“behold,
you are beautiful, My love.”

"...they held harps given them by God."

Revelation 15:2–4: And I saw what looked like a sea of glass mixed with fire and, standing beside the sea, those who had been victorious over the beast and his image and over the number of his name. They held harps given them by God and sang the song of Moses the servant of God and the song of the Lamb: "Great and marvelous are Your deeds, Lord God Almighty. Just and true are Your ways, King of the ages. Who will not fear You, O Lord, and bring glory to Your name? For You alone are holy. All nations will come and worship before You, for Your righteous acts have been revealed."

hands on a harp of grace
©10-26-09 hannah muonio

You’ve put a harp
into my hands
that i might praise You
and every string You’ve tuned
to bring You purest praise

but what of my hands?
gnarled knuckles
stiff and slow to move
boney fingers
atrophied of strength
struggle to pluck a worthy tune

Father, what of my hands?
heavy as brick
slow to lift and quick to fall
weighty downward strums
oftentimes the only way

oh, what of my hands?
windblown movements
clumsily floundering without control
often touching the strings only accidentally
catching myself by surprise

You know my hands
You made them
You know the harp
You made it, too

i look at the harp
You’ve put into my hands
a gracious instrument
beautiful melodies resound
from my imperfect clamors
praises pour from strings
at the faintest touch
full of glorifying worship
untainted by the means of their release

teach me how to praise You
yes, teach me how to play
that i may make the most
of the harp that
You have put into my hands

“It sounds like you’re struggling with knowing what it is to be human.” ~ Jacque (to me)

Jesus’ words in John 14:1–4: “Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.”

You have gone to prepare a place for me
©10-6-09 hannah muonio

bursting with eternity
i long to be free
my life laid
for the One who made
given as one forgiven

to understand
this time and land
leaves me weeping
in Your keeping
seeking and speaking

i am not yet home

surrounded by temporary
implanted with eternity
knowing only this
i’m Yours amidst
severe, but for joy i persevere

i long for home

Purpose, not ease

Psalm 55:6–8,22: And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest; yes, I would wander far away; I would lodge in the wilderness; I would hurry to find a shelter from the raging wind and tempest." Cast your burden on the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Thorns Among the Roses
©9-29-09 Hannah Muonio

It’s the thorns among the roses
that bring the tears;
scratching and puncturing
till bleeding I sit writhing;
patiently waiting for relief to come.

It’s the thorns among the roses
that bring the fears;
grating and stabbing
till weeping I sit shaking;
patiently waiting for relief to come.

Unknowns among the beauty of promise,
Burdens weighing on what is vulnerable,
Upheaval testing my foundational core.

My flesh cries
“Oh, that I had wings like a dove
I would fly away and be at rest!”

And yet,
I sit in Your presence
with the thorns among the roses.
Unable to stand
but sure of the ground beneath me.
Knowing the thorns serve a purpose;
allowing the roses to grow
uncrippled by my eager, reaching hand;
protecting the roses from my crushing leaning
and forcing me to lean on You

My soul cries
“Oh, help me cast my cares upon You.
Lord, You’ve said You will sustain me and
You will not let me be moved.”

It is not the wings of a dove I need
to find rest,
nor is it thornless roses.
I need only to sit in Your presence
in whatever state I am in;
bleeding tears or
shaking fears matter not.
In You is rest and
You are always with me

compromise

matthew 5:21–30
...If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.

the mess of settling for less
©8-29-09 hannah muonio

i despise compromise
the subtle call before the fall
the conning voice for detrimental choice
the lying twist as judas kissed
honey sweetly sung that stings the tongue

it takes
it fakes

to teeter on rocky ledges of sworn pledges
to straddle the fine lines
setting up the frail to fail
bringing filth and slime to the sublime
putting pressure
weakening structure

i lament all i've bent
i sigh and weep at lies that seep
i despise compromise

attune my ears, Lord
to the ringing drawl of a higher call
don't let me stay content with gray
when Your sight requires purest white

invited

Psalm 10:14 "...to You the helpless commits himself..."

i come to You
©7-10-09 hannah muonio

to You, Exalted One
i come
helpless in need of a helper
i know that You hear my pleas
for mercy
weary in need of Your rest
to You i come

Your name is a refuge
to which i can run,
oh Faithful One
Your promises solid as stone
Your hand is a leading
to which i can cling,
oh Shepherding King
You’ve said You won’t leave me alone

no good
i have no good apart from You

no good
i have no good apart from You

no good
i have no good apart from You

though You are high and holy
You love the weak and lowly
You call the small and broken Your own
Your mighty hand gently holds the humble

to You, Exalted One
i come
helpless in need of a helper
i know that You hear my pleas
for mercy
weary in need of Your rest
to You i come

i am not my own

Hebrews 4:16: Let us therefore come BOLDLY to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

i am Yours
©7-7-09 hannah muonio

i boldly walk to Your throne
not because i am anything
but because You have told me “come”
and as i approach You
i know
i am not my own

i am Yours, my Maker

invited into Your presence
i stand alone before You
unhidden and helpless and unafraid
knowing You are faithful
knowing
i am not my own

i am Yours, my Father

You promise refuge for the needy
i have come
You promise peace for the restless
i have come
You promise hope for the broken
i have come

i melt in Your open hand
i am like water
threatening to flow through the hole in Your palm
but You are solid
i am Yours, my Rock

i find myself before You
in a crumpled heap
feeble knees bowed and shaking hands laying face up
but You are power
i am Yours, my Strength

oh, let me remember
let me humbly rejoice
Your love will never relent
i am Yours, my Savior

oh, let me remember
let me cling and rest in You
You never change
You never change
i am Yours, my Keeper

i boldly walk to Your throne
in need of mercy
in need of grace
i fall at Your feet with no words
but open, empty hands
wanting only to be filled by You

because Father, Jesus, Spirit
i am not my own
i am Yours

The joy of personal testimony

Faithful Father
©6-10-09 Hannah Muonio

Lord, I marvel at Your ways
the wisdom and precision of Your weaving
the beauty and radiance as You’re known
By design, Lord,
You have intertwined Your faithfulness
with my life
You deeply wind
around and through my days that I
cannot separate the strands
or cut the ties
that delight my heart and mind and eyes

Lord, I marvel at the clarity
with which You’ve let Your greatness shine
through my life
no whisper spoken is void of Your hand’s strength
Your love’s length
Your merciful blaze
sufficient for each and every day
through this humble life displayed
The verity of You glory
resonates from every story

Lord, let me speak
open ears to hear
Your matchless name
proclaimed
Your endless beauty
acclaimed

Faithful Father,
my joy overflows to say
I am Yours
May I simply be a frame
through which You are beheld

"Do you want to be healed?"

After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the sheep Gate, a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids--blind, lame and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up His bed and walked.” John 5:1–9

Yesterday, our pastor gave us a sermon on John 5:1–18, where Jesus healed the man at the pool of Bethesda (meaning: house of mercy). This was a pool where invalids congregated because there was the belief that whomever stepped into the water first when it began to move would be healed. Were people really healed in this pool? I do not know. I only know that the man was by the pool of Bethesda, that for 38 years he had suffered from the same infirmity that kept him in bedridden, and that one day, he was healed when Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” I’ve read this passage before and seem to always get stuck on the first phrase spoken...Jesus asked, “Do you want to be healed? (John 5:6)” I remember thinking in the past, “What a silly question. Of course he wants to be healed. Who wouldn’t want to be healed?” I don’t know if I’m the only one who gets stuck on that question, but yesterday morning as I listened to the sermon and yesterday afternoon as meditated on the passage, I once again stopped on this question, but this time I didn’t think there was anything silly about it. Instead, it hung in the air above me as if Jesus Himself was standing in front of me asking me that very thing.

I empathize with the man at Bethesda. After 38 years of waiting by the pool, watching others push past him and receive the very thing he desire most, he still lay in his bed unable to walk. His response when asked if he wanted to be healed revealed a man who seemed to have lost his will to hope that healing was for him; a man who seemed to have accepted that his life was to daily attempt to make it to the water and to lament that fact that he never did and, if history showed anything, that he most likely never would; a man who was bitter at and resigned to both his situation and his inability to change it; a man who was alone with his weakness. I understand the man at Bethesda and his lack of a resounding “yes” to a question that seemed unnecessary.

So yesterday I came face-to-face with the Lord and His question.

First, it is very important to me that you know one thing; I believe, with every fiber of my being, that God is ABLE to heal me. I believe He is fully sovereign over all things; that all of matter, space and time bows to Him. I believe that He could restore my body to an image of perfect health (even though that means He would have to grow me a new thyroid...which He totally could do). I do not doubt, for an instant, that God is able to do all things, including make my body whole.

But, as much as it shames me to write this, I doubt His desire to heal me.

As I have adapted to my situation, I have grown to assume that healing is not in the cards for me. As I’ve considered my lack of an excited “yes,” I’ve discovered that there are actually several logical reasons for my hesitancy to this question (even though I possess a deep longing to be healed):
First, I know that I cannot control my own body. I mostly baffle medical science in general, so I am fairly certain that not only is it out of my hands, but it’s also out of the professionals’. Because I cannot change or control my body, I know that I must adjust my mind. That’s the beauty of the peace that God offers us; it isn’t contingent on our circumstances or our situations or anything on earth, it is solidly ours in Christ. I take much joy in knowing that while I am in a body that is crumbling around me, I am being renewed daily (2 Corinthians 4:16). God never said that I was assured a life free from health problems–I’m living in a decaying body of sin–but He did promise to be the strength I need to get through them. And so, as I have adapted to my lack of control and the seeming permanence of my health situation, I have relished the fact that God continually engrains the reality of His faithfulness to me as He carries me through these times again and again.
Second, I know the ways that God has used my health (or lack thereof) to bring me to Himself. In fact, that was the main tool He used to bring me to my face at the foot of the cross. Through acknowledging what He’s done for me through taking away my health, I have always assumed that, because of my sinful nature, it is necessary for me to be sick. Suffering and trial is only given or allowed if it is necessary (1 Peter 1:6–7), God does not “willingly grieve or afflict the children of men (Lamentations 3:31–33).” I have spent a good portion of the last 6 years (since I was saved) thanking the Lord for His grace in taking away my health; for the ways He drew me to Himself through showing me my lack (first physically, than spiritually), for the ways He (in His infinite wisdom in seeing and acting) has protected me from others and myself through my ailments, for the ways He has taught me to rely on Him and praise Him for the most basic things our bodies do that I cannot take for granted (for example, I once lost my ability to speak for 5 months). This may sound strange, but I have been grateful for my health problems, they have opened my eyes to blessings I would have otherwise never even considered, and I enjoy the humility I feel when He gives what I cannot give myself (a picture of the cross in the simplest form).
Third, I don’t deserve to be healed. I am aware that while this is "logical," it is also flimsy. I deserve nothing good from the hand of God (I never have and never will)...but He is merciful.

Do I want to be healed? Yes. Desperately bad, actually. I often wonder why God would want to use someone who is as broken as me...and even HOW He will be able to. The things my body goes through are not pleasant; they are often stressful, painful and/or discouraging (sometimes even scary). They make me feel useless and disgusting. They often make me want to exclude myself from life and people. They drain me of energy and, if I do not fight, my joy. They put me face-to-face with the fact that I am alone and vulnerable, that I am weak and falling apart, that I am an example of the decay of sin. To be in the center of prolonged health problems is not fun, I would not wish it on anyone...and do I want to be healed? Yes, yes, I want to be healed!

I don’t think the problem is necessarily in my desire for healing, but maybe instead in whether or not I would dare to hope in and believe God’s desire to heal me. Jesus often asked questions; they cut to the very heart, often revealing to us our lack of faith and our depth of sin. So when I look a little bit closer at myself, I see with clarity that I lack the faith, the hope and the courage to ask. I have accepted my state of being without the willingness or faith to wrestle with God for healing as the persistent widow did with the judge in Luke 18. I have chosen to overlook the heart of God by deciding He doesn’t want to heal me. I don’t even have the faith of a mustard seed when it comes to God’s heart for me and so, I don’t even think to ask. I think it’s interesting that I am thinking through this at such a time when God has been opening my eyes to behold His heart for the people and situations around me. Yesterday as I prayed through these thoughts, I said to the Lord, “Lord, You are sending me to the sick. You are sending me to look those infected by HIV/AIDS in the eye and proclaim to them Your heart for them. I know what it’s like to live with permanent sickness and to be sustained by You through it. But what if I could look them in the eye and proclaim Your power, ability and desire to heal to the uttermost the foulest of sinners with the testimony of my life. The smallness of my requests surrounding my health have reflected my small view of Your heart for me. Forgive me, Lord, and let me look into Your face as it looks into mine questioningly, and respond with a faith-filled, grateful “yes” that believes, with every fiber of my being, in Your heart and Your desire to heal me.”

poetric responses

Romans 6:12–13,16; John 19:1–2,14b; Revelations 4; Isaiah 6:1–4; Daniel 2:44; John 19:17–19; Luke 23:38; Philippians 2:10–11

reign in me
©5-23-09 hannah muonio

dethrone my flesh that
You might take Your rightful place
as King forever of my life

broken shackles
released from required service
no longer enslaved by sin
let me live as one set free

dethrone my flesh that
You might radiate from the throne
You’re meant to shine upon
let me submit my crown
with an unburdening heave to the
ground at Your feet

and let my knees with joy
bow to You
and my face with humility
meet the ground before You

King forever
You are
and I desire You to be

so, dejected i plead with You
dethrone my flesh that
You might take Your rightful place
high and lifted up
--

Your “crime”
©5-23-09 hannah muonio

beneath a sign
that boldly declares Your kingship a crime
Your royal blood flows
until the pools of red slow
and not a drop remains
poured out until the very last
for sin: future, present, past
a finished work of the Father’s will
restoration
through grace gleaned
forgiveness
sinners stand redeemed

upon the throne
heaven’s light radiates from You alone
waves of worship
grow and echo
in increasing ebb and flow
as You are beheld
--

purpose
©5-23-09 hannah muonio

joy will overflow
if You would use me, Lord
big or small
quiet or loud
seen or hidden
matters not
but that You are known
and loved
and heard
and honored

The comfort of an unchanging God

Always
©5-18-09 Hannah Muonio

Attributes in perfect measure
no need to change, there is no “better”
You are always:
Yesterday, today and forever

When life shows the impossible
has multiplied
When burdens crush my shoulders
till I slow my stride
When failures meet with equal number
the times I’ve tried
I remember You

Attributes in perfect measure
no need to change, there is no “better”
You are always:
Yesterday, today and forever

There is aching in the moments of my waking
but there is resting in the testing
There is sighing as my sinful flesh is dying
but there is living in the giving
Because of You

Attributes in perfect measure
no need to change, there is no “better”
You are always:
Yesterday, today and forever

Lord, I understand Your ways are higher
Help me understand Your ways
I understand Your wisdom’s wiser
Help me hear the words You say
With all of creation, space and time
I bow to You

Attributes in perfect measure
no need to change, there is no “better”
You are always:
Yesterday, today and forever

Natural change

Faulty Walls
©5-5-09 Hannah Muonio

You can build a wall
stone upon stone
to keep the water from flowing
through the scene laid out before you
But it is inevitable
that the natural current
will not be contained
and one day it will spill over
onto the picture
that has been carefully preserved
and what it does not wash away
will be forever changed

A dream

Last night I had a dream. I was in a home; the home was indistinct, I don’t even remember what it looked like, but I do know that it was distinctly a home. The home had many windows; there were windows in the outside of the home and also windows in the walls inside. In every window frame there was a pane of crystal clear glass. And as I stood in this home in the middle of my dream, there was a man. This man was nondescript, and in my dream, this man’s presence shattered the windows both on the outside and on the inside of the home. In my dream, I would wait near a room, hoping that perhaps this glass would withstand him, but it never did. Around and around the home we went, waiting and watching the glass shatter as he passed by. The man never harmed me, I only felt the pain of the shattering of each pane of glass. And I saw that the man wasn’t malicious, his stance was that of one in distress, almost as though he too wished the windows would not break.

I didn’t wake up feeling confused by this dream. It is rare that I would ever remember a dream, much less understand it. But this dream I understood. The night before I had grieved the loss of a hope I had carried with me; the hope involved a specific man, a home and a clear vision of life with him. The night before I had once again sat in the presence of this man and saw that it was different this time; this time I knew that there would never be a home or a life with him and this time I didn’t try to hold onto the hope of one. I simply enjoyed his presence apart from the windows, and let them shatter as I walked away. And later that night, as I considered the man and the hope of life with him that was no more, I cried.

perfect peace and rest

Isaiah 26:3–4: You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Find your rest in Me
©4-12-09 Hannah Muonio

Find your rest in Me

In perfect peace I will keep you
In perfect love I will cover you
Find your rest in Me

With perfect strength I will carry you
With perfect stride I will walk with you
Find your rest in Me

I am the Rock that you are seeking
I am the Refuge that you need
I am the Fortress that never fails
I am the Savior, come to Me

Why do you sink in sand when you can stand on the Rock?
Why do you crumble under burdens you can nail to the cross?
Why do you falter with fear when your only need
is to put your trust in Me?

The places I have brought you from
are nothing compared
to the places I will bring you to
and when I send you out
I will faithfully show
you where I want you to go

Know Me
I’m the Lord God almighty
I made you with purpose and power
I am your heavenly Father
Child, find your rest in Me

Good Friday Contemplations

Christ’s Kingship
Today, I walked up the road to a coffee shop near me (I’m almost too ashamed to tell you it was a Starbucks), sat in a comfy, green chair, and attempted to enjoy the taste of the bitter cup of coffee in my hands as I contemplated life. I gazed out the window at the clear, blue sky, not really seeing the Spring scene I was looking at, and thought about what it looked like to trust God in my present situation. My life’s been a bit crazy these days; so many changes (changes that I believe God has brought about), and therefore, so many opportunities to grow as I figure out what this new season of life is all about. While I was in Africa this past January, I lost my job (I haven’t been unemployed since I began working at age 15). Suddenly, I have been presented with time and a sea of endless possibility is in front of me. However, I don’t know how to swim very well, and each of the possibilities I have thus far stepped toward, God has said, “no.” So there I sat, feet dangling across the arm of a big, green chair by a window in Starbucks contemplating life. So cliché, right?

I also know that today is Good Friday. So I thought it would be good to consider this God of mine; who He is and what He has done this day 2000 years ago, and I assume that as I look in depth at these things, I will find every reminder and reason that I need to strengthen my faith and determination to trust God with every ounce of my complicated life.

Jesus died for my sins. That’s what Good Friday is all about. I think Christ is one phenomenal Savior. Over the past week I have been meditating on Him as my King; the contrast between an earthly king and our eternal King is quite an astounding and humbling consideration. Below is the poem I have written as I’ve considered this:

Our King of kings dons a crown of thorns
no noble steed, no heralding horns
as He looks on His people, His city, His lands
He walks to the cross and He spreads out His hands

Though utmost service a king deserves
ours humbles Himself as He kneels to serve
While His heart-felt prayers flow forth in a flood
He breaks His body and He pours out His blood

What King is this who weeps and sighs
for these who beat and spit and crucify?
Where a lesser king fights and his anger flares,
ours climbs on a cross and He hangs in the air

Neath a banner stating “King of the Jews”
the taunting voices deny Him His dues
even as the wrath of the Father is absorbed by the Son,
He laments, forsaken, and pleads, “Abba, forgive them.”

My King of kings. My Lord of lords.
My Savior, the Lamb, the Living Word.

Can you imagine a king like this? When I think of kings, I think of royalty and riches and reverence. I think of servants and extravagance. I think of people bowing and kissing the hand; respect shown and authority acknowledged. I think of one whose rule is visible and recognizable. I think of processions and lavish preparation (no expense spared) at the expectation of their coming. I think of honor shown and felt by the presence of such a figure. I think of robes and crowns and jewels that shine and glitter with the very finest of their respective materials. I think of eyes that want to behold a king.

And yet, here we have been presented with the King of kings; the First and the Last; the Alpha and Omega; the high and exalted Lord of lords. He was born in a stable with animals overlooking the birth. Those who came to revere Him were lowly shepherds, fisherman, shunned sinners, the sick and oppressed and forgotten. He knelt before His disciples and washed their dirty feet. He was betrayed with a kiss and abandoned by His friends. His robe and clothing were divided and taken by those who beat Him and strung Him up to die. The glitter on His brow didn’t come from the crown of thorns He wore, but instead shone from the sweat and blood that ran down His face. His presence brought taunting and disgust, and those who looked on Him saw only a spectacle of public humiliation and a criminal death. Scorned, denied, unrecognized for who and what He was. Royal but rejected. Beheld but belittled. What sort of King is this?

In Christ’s high-priestly prayer, He stated that He longed to be restored to the state of glory and unity that He had with the Father before His descent to earth and man. What a descent He chose to make. There’s a old song that says, “Thou who was rich beyond all splendor, all for love’s sake becamest poor. Throne for a manger dist surrender, sapphire paved courts for stable floor.” Whoa. Think about that for a minute. Not just the descent from heavenly riches and glory to earthly lack and decay, but from radiance, holiness and fellowship with the Father to actually becoming sin and being forsaken by Him. I cannot even fathom this descent; there is no earthy parallel because there is nothing else as high as God in heaven nor as low as Satan in hell. And THIS from a king who is deserving of the highest praise and honor.

So the question is, why? 1 John says, “This is love, not that we love God, but that He loved us and sent His only son to be a propitiation for our sins,” and “Behold, what manner of love the Father has for us, that we should be called the children of God, and so we are.” Have you ever heard the word imputation? What Christ did on the cross was to take our place and qualities (namely filthy sinner, hopelessly destined to everlasting death in hell) and give us His own (righteousness, holiness, the promise to reign with Him, eternal life in the presence of the Father). In Christ, we are God’s children--sons with inheritance beyond our wildest imaginations. Our King, motivated by His astounding love for us, hung on a cross--a spotless lamb sacrificed for the sins of the whole world. What a King. How could we not bow to Him? How could we not worship Him? How could we not desire Him to rule and reign over us with a radiant glory that makes the sun no longer need to shine and a purifying Love that covers a multitude of filthy sin and stain? There is no king that has ever existed who holds even the faintest spark beside this King of kings; who even in a bloody, beaten state, dangling from a splintered wooden cross displayed the purest of love and the humblest brilliance of beauty that caused the sun itself to hide its face, the earth to tremble and the veil that kept us from entering into the very presence of God to tear from top to bottom, ushering us into the holiest of holy places: restored fellowship in the Father’s presence.

How could I not trust this God? This God who has promised to tend to my need, to lead me beside still waters, to restore my soul. This God who has pursued me as I ran from Him, who has bound up my wounds and who continually lifts me from the depths. This God who offers me fullness of joy and eternal pleasures, and surrounds and upholds me with promise and purpose. This God who loves me with a love that is so high and wide and deep and long that I cannot grasp it. This God who continually amazes me, receives me, sanctifies me, satisfies me, grows me, revives me, fills me, keeps me, stands for me. This God who is my Rock, my Refuge, my Fortress, my Deliver, my Savior. This God who is my King.

Lord, I bow to You. I praise You that I have been given the privilege of worshiping You now and forever. Lord, let me look on the cross, on my Savior who hangs from it--the atonement for my sin--and fall on my face before You with gratitude. Let me grasp with confidence the fullness of this work, to boldly cling to the grace and mercy and restoration offered. Let me acknowledge You before men and walk in a manner worthy of You, magnifying Your beauty to all I meet. Lord, fill me with Yourself and hide my life in Yours. Lord, help me trust You, know You fully as I am fully known by You, love You deeply with the love You have shown me, and praise You as You deserve to be praised. Let every crown be cast at Your feet, submitted to Your magnificent and glorious reign. And let me wait expectantly, sparing no expense, in preparation for Your return. Oh Lord, to be with You where You are, that is what I long for. In the name and for the glory of my King of kings. Amen.

do You not see me?

i marvel at You
©3-30-09 Hannah Muonio

i marvel at You
Your ways astound me
i feel Your love
encompassing and deep
high, real and transforming
powerful, perfect and true
You tend to the smallest detail of who i am--
immense strength that does not crush--
and i stagger

do You not see me?
i wonder
why do You not recoil at my stain?
how can You look in my face
and not turn Your back?
do You not see me?

i wonder

i marvel at You
Your ways astound me
i feel Your power
holding me up
firm, steady and unchanging
mighty, measured and soft
You touch me in my state of weakness
and are not taken aback--
humble majesty that inspires and melts--
and i rest

do You not see me?
i wonder
why would Your eyes ever look my way
or Your ears listen for the smallness of my voice?
when You deserve so much more
why would You want me?
do You not see me?

i wonder

i marvel at You
Your ways astound me
i desire to know You fully
even as i am fully known
i desire to see You with face unveiled
and to behold You as You are
i desire to walk in Your presence for all of eternity
unashamed
i desire to bask in the radiance of Your glory
and to be beautified in Your light
i desire to hear Your voice
to walk in Your ways
to move with Your heart
i desire You even as i marvel at You

they say of me
“if You only knew who it was that touched You...”
and i cannot disagree
i wonder
do You not see me?

i marvel at You
You see the depth of me
and the deeps from which You’ve taken me
You see the darkness of me
and the light to which You’ve brought me
You see the death in me
and have offered me Life
and even as i wonder,
as i ask
“do You not see me?”
i cling to the cross
and receive

Seek you first

Matthew 6:25–34: “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”


Seek you first
©3-30-09 Hannah Muonio

Don’t I care for the fields and the flowers?
Don’t I tend to the birds in their flight?
Don’t I bring in the changes of seasons?
Don’t I faithfully turn day and night?

I know your need
before you ask of Me

So seek you first My kingdom
Seek you first My righteousness
Knock on My door
Ask at My feet
And this and much more will be given

Don’t I hear every prayer of My people?
Don’t I promise you mercy and life?
Don’t I exalt the humble with singing?
Don’t I carry through ease and through strife?

Don’t I joyfully clothe you with glory?
Don’t I love you with fullness and fire?
Don’t I lift you from valleys to mountains?
Don’t I give you your deepest desire?

I know your need
before you ask of Me

So seek you first My kingdom
Seek you first My righteousness
Knock on My door
Ask at My feet
And this and much more will be given

With faith draw near Me
With faith receive My love

And seek you first My kingdom
Seek you first My righteousness
Knock on My door
Ask at My feet
And this and much more will be given

satisfy me

Lord, satisfy me
©3/27/09 Hannah Muonio

Lord, fill me
Lord, still me
satisfy my hungry soul
Lord, be near me
Lord, steer me
clarify the push and pull

lift my eyes
neath drooping lids
to meet Yours

cradle my head
aching from heaviness
swirling with pain

Lord, heal me
Lord, feel me
satisfy my breaking heart
Lord, speak to me
Lord, keep me
bind me lest i fall apart

Lord, lift me
Lord, shift me
satisfy my gaping lack
Lord, hold me
Lord, enfold me
pacify life’s gnawing wrack

Lord, take me
Lord, make me
what You desire me to be
Lord, shape me

Lord, clean me
for You have seen me

Lord, grow me
Lord, know me
to You i owe it all

Lord, fill me
when i am spilled out
Lord, build me

Lord, break me
from where i have been
Lord, bind me
till i’m whole again

Lord, satisfy me

Lord, will me
to rest in You

Lord, stand for me

Lord, Your hand
Lord, Your heart
Lord, Your strength
Lord, Your ways
Lord, Your love
Lord, Your grace
Lord, Your hope
Lord, Your face

Lord, satisfy me
with Yourself

Floundering thoughts

Discombobulated Considerations
©3-27-09 Hannah Muonio

My head is swirling with a thousand thoughts,
topics I would rather
just never crossed my mind;
Confusion has befriended me--
and not in a good way--
mixing the pleasures and the pains
until they’re a blended mess.

It would be easier,
I like to think,
if I just didn’t want the things I ponder...
but that just brings out another layer
to pile on the already discombobulated
jumble I have kept for consideration.

My heart and mind interact,
taking turns deceiving me.
Stupid heart.
Stupid mind.

So scattered is my concentration
I can’t seem to keep myself from floundering
arm and legs and head
spastic and stiff;
I want to push it all away
and yet, I cannot let it go;
I want to run until the horizon before and behind me is clear
and yet, my feet refuse to move;
I want to clear my mind and start over
and yet, I do not want to forget.

Things have changed.
I always thought the lack was hard,
and it still is,
but the visible and open realms that possibility
has presented bring whole new dimensions
to the confusion.

I desire to take things as they come
and only as far as I can see before me.
Rid of speculation,
expectation,
contemplation...
Freedom to consider and release
Freedom from my disarray of desires and realities.

justified by Christ

untitled two
© Hannah Muonio

Verse 1
creation groans beneath the weight of sin
wails of lament shudder through my body
as my face meets the dust

clinging filth surrounds me as the
bound are pushing, pulling at me as the
lost are laughing, sneering at me as the
blind are feeling pity for me

creation moans beneath the weight of sin
screams of pain tear through my body
as my heart shatters
surging sobs thunder in my ears

Verse 2
what, what can lift the burden
that now crushes?
who, who can bear the judgment
for my sin?
with holy justice You reign and
how, how can i stand before You?

Verse 3
Love desires for all salvation
Love says “arise and come away”
Love has moved our God to be the
price no mortal man could pay
Love declares the chosen righteous
Love maketh not afraid
Love will drive the broken sinner
to the grave where He was laid.

Lonesome song

untitled one
© Hannah Muonio

My heart is pounding out a steady beat
slow and somber as my sighs chime.
This lonesome woman’s sadness sings
a gentle melody.

Lifted in a prayer it flows
from lips in tearful, blue crescendos,
for no one sits beside this woman
to hear her song.

boldness reflects depth of need

i ask
©3/19/09 hannah muonio

i know i ask the world of You
i ask for impossible things
and i ask for them expectantly.

sometimes i tremble at my bold requests.

but i often ask
from a place of desperation
knowing of
and clinging to Your solidity
to Your charity
and to Your power.

i ask
aware of my inability
my fallibility
my instability
and my persistent and consistent need.

clinging to Your feet,
i dare to touch You.

adoringly,
i ask the world of You.
expectantly
boldly
desperately…
unapologetically.

response to exhortation

1 Chronicles 28:9 “And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever.”

desire
©3-9-09 Hannah Muonio
1 Chronicles 28:9, 29:17

Lord, i desire to know You
through and through
Father, i desire to serve You
with the whole of my heart
and the will of my mind
every plan, every thought
when i seek You, i find
Father, i desire to serve You
through and through

Lord, i desire to please You
joy for joy
Jesus, i desire to see You
all Your glory and power
mighty hand, flawless face
majesty, victory
on Your great throne of grace
Jesus, i desire to see You
joy for joy

Lord, i desire to love You
more and more
Spirit, i desire to feel You
fill the all of my all
move the heart of my heart
let Your presence be known
be my seal, set apart
Spirit, i desire to feel You
more and more

eternal purpose, let me keep
eternal pleasures, on me spill
when i do not withhold
my whole heart, mind or will

Lord, i desire to know You
Father, i desire to serve You
Lord, i desire to please You
Jesus, i desire to see You
Lord, i desire to love You
Spirit, i desire to feel You

through and through
joy for joy
more and more

sit with Me a while

Ezekiel 34:15–16a "I Myself will be the shepherd of My sheep, and I Myself will make them lie down," declares the Lord GOD. "I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak..."

you need My touch
©3-7-09 Hannah Muonio

come
sit with Me a while
I wish to comfort you
to hold you in My everlasting arms
and care for you

come
sit with Me a while
rest your head upon My promises
let your tears fall
on the broad expanse of who I am
and let Me tend to you, My lamb

come
sit with Me a while
you are fragile, and I am gentle
you are broken, but I make whole
you are shaking, but I am steady

come
sit with Me a while
I know.
I know.

I know.

Singleness

My current thoughts on singleness
(and by current, I mean this particular moment in time)
© 2/16/09 Hannah Muonio

I am a single woman
I feel like every time I reach out my hand to change that
God says, “No. Bad.” and swats my hand away
like I’m a little kid reaching for some delicious baked good
that I can’t have
I find the situation a bit amusing
strangely interesting
and sadly frustrating
I am a single woman
I mostly like being single
I like the freedoms that come with it
the fact that I am mobile
and that when I want to do something
the only One I have to arrange things with
is God
I mostly feel satisfied with who and what
and where I am in life
But contentment doesn’t really touch on the confusion....
why NOT me?
Why did God create me the way He did?
Why does He keep me from what He seems to have designed me for?
But then, what do I know?
His ways are far above my ways
His wisdom far beyond me
it’s not that I doubt His goodness or that He knows what He’s doing
I just wish I understood
I am a single woman
everything about the way I was designed
points to serving the Lord alongside a man
and sometimes
I feel like a bundle of wasted gifts
kept by the Giver
instead of given to the recipient
Forgive me, Lord,
but I don’t get it
And so I ask You
please keep me so I don’t seek
what is outside of Your will for me
I am a single woman
and if this is where You want me
then here is where I’ll stay
And I’m sure that eventually
I will stop reaching for some gluten-filled pastry
that wasn’t meant for me

Life is so complicated.
*laugh*

Gratitude

Thank You, Father
©2-16-09 Hannah Muonio

Thank You, Father.
Lord and King
and Savior and Desire of my soul
to You I bring
a heart of praise and thanks
that makes my knees to bow
and eyes to weep
and lips to sing

Thank You, Father.
Life and Light
and Creator and Ruler of my being
to You I write
a verse of awe and magnitude
for You have let me stand with mouth agape
in midst of love
in true delight

Thank You, Father.
Hope and Friend
and Keeper and Giver of my peace
to You I send
a prayer of joy and longing
for face-to-face eternal worship of You
when crowns are thrown
and nations bend

trying to step around you

when the heart wants
and the mind knows
©12-22-08 Hannah Muonio

my mind drolly rolls
bowling over emotions
scattering affections that just have to go
this stubborn heart
unchanging
frustrating
mind cannot conquer
and yet refuses to admit defeat

a slow joust
between understood and beyond:
mind fathoms but heart disagrees
logic crushes but heart clings
reason quenches but heart beats
pain meets beauty face to face and turns away
reality rushes headlong into hope and cannot penetrate

but a will to not wallow
intervenes in this stalemate of heart and mind
to learn to walk when
what is and what cannot be cripples

and so it goes
my heart skips soulfully
and my mind drolly rolls

my full desire.

Psalm 27:4 "One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple."

enraptured by You
©12-9-08 hannah muonio

who am i?
i wonder
that You would call my name
that i might follow
and adore You and attain
a spotless Lamb to purify
my filth and stain
yes, who am i?

how can i serve?
i wonder
for what purpose You would will
to use my trembling
hands, feet, lips, life, for still
with weakness i an empty vessel
my Lord, to fill
how can i serve?

my God,
to be loved
by You is the very breath
of life itself
my God,
to speak with You
my source of joy I find myself
enraptured by
my God,
to worship and
adore You
my God,
to fall to my knees
my face before You
my God,
to sing and to pray
night and day
my God,
to love You
is the greatest call
to which i desire
take my all

who am i?
i am Yours
chosen and set apart
deep thanks
flowing from a heart
of flesh
and i wonder where to start
worship

not forgotten.

i want for something
©11-25-08 Hannah Muonio

i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

but i do not know Your plans
i do not know Your thoughts
and i do not understand Your ways.

i know that You see me
with a clarity that far surpasses my own
smudged perception.
wills, wants, worries
crumpled in my wringing hands
can only be redeemed in Yours…
so why am i afraid
to let them go?

i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

i wish i could say
that i want for nothing.
but truth be told
lack pains me.
but deeper yet,
my desire for nothing apart from You
so here i am.

my heart is sick with hope deferred
but still my whole person
fights for what You’ve given me to hold.

i am alone
why have You left me alone?






and yet
i know that You have not forgotten me
that plans You’ve made before my existence
will be.
promises of a faithful God.

Proclamation

nothing less than all
© 10/6/08 Hannah Muonio

to proclaim
Your name
my voice could never speak
loud enough
a faint whisper it seems
is all my lips can provide
in relation to the
volume it deserves--
but Lord, with all my voice
let me speak

to proclaim
Your name
my life i give to add
to the chorus that my
trembling lips sing
a unified dance
calling for others to join in--
with nothing less than all
let me give

to proclaim
Your name
my prayers i lift
in the quiet of time with You
heard by Your ears alone
asking You to move
in bringing voices of proclamation
to my side

to proclaim
Your name
my hands in service move
to love and serve
desiring in return
nothing for me
and ALL for You

to proclaim
Your name
my heart i offer up
longing that i not withhold
a single ounce
of what i am
when looking in the face
of what You are--
a broken heart in need of healing
but it is wholly Yours

o Lord,
to proclaim
Your name
that all might know You--
my full desire

real struggles. real Hope.

a desire for joyful submission
©8-10-08 hannah muonio

binding will
blocking
full surrender
fallen woman
longs
to be complete

undone

not forgotten
striving
to be patient
obedient woman
desiring
grateful joy

unsettled

oh break my unbending fingers
free me from this painful clinging
oh melt my stubborn heart
right my affections for You
let me let go

looking around
seeing
no comparison
sinful woman
weeps
in weakness

shame

no longer
willing
to dishonor You
fighting woman
falls
at Mercy’s cross

hope

deeper love
yearning
rises in prayer
humble woman
bows
and worships You

freedom