The Deep Work of 2015: Part 2

I’ve told you before that I am fearful by nature. And because I am also an intensely emotional creature, that can be an overwhelming and overpowering thing. Over the years, I have (apart from Jesus) found self-preserving ways to work with this part of me; as my fear level goes up, my need for control follows. (This does not lead to freedom from my fear, it simply binds me to it.) 

As a result, when I (united with Jesus) surrender something to the Lord, it has to be accompanied by a laying down of all my weapons, a forfeiting of all my rights to make decisions, and permission to break down my self-made protective walls. When I surrender to the Lord, I give Him control and I am utterly exposed--confronted with every fear and every weakness; I steady my eyes on Him (and yes, freak out at Him) until it loses its power over me in the presence of the One whose perfect love casts out fear. The casting part, that part is really hard; I have to see the fear and feel the fear and let the fear hit me with all its force so that the Lord can prove to me that He is greater than it is. I have spent hours in prayer that have consisted almost entirely of weeping.

This process from bondage to freedom can take years. But the beauty is, that if we stick out the surrender for as long as it takes, the freedom that follows is permanent because God is thorough and He uproots/heals/conquers the source. Transforming and renewing in entirety, He makes us new.

That being said, fear surrounding my health has lost its power over me. Hope for wellness does not depend on doctors or medicine or answers or fixes or MYSELF...my hope is the Lord. And yes, the Lord uses doctors and medicine and fixes and even myself sometimes, but the success or failure of any of these things doesn’t get to dictate my life or my health or my ability to heal; God does.

And do you want to know something beautiful? When fear creeps its ugly head into my thoughts these days, I don’t even WANT control...I only want Jesus.