Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Perfect Love Casts Out Fear: Part 3

I have found that pregnancy after a miscarriage has some unexpected twists; for example, my heart cringes every time this child is referred to as Baby #4. It took me a month longer to realize that I was pregnant with this child than with the others; it never dawned on me because I’ve been praying for another baby for two years and my body had failed in many ways that made it impossible. When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out. Not because I wasn’t overjoyed (I was and AM), but because after I lost my last baby, I distinctly declared this statement as true about myself, “A baby put in this body will die.” My pregnancy with Evelyn scared me; it was a day-to-day assessment to determine if it was more dangerous for me to remain pregnant or to deliver a premature child into the world. And when she was finally born, the tiniest thing I’d ever held, I wept with relief that she was ok in spite of the fact that my blood pressure was slowly killing the placenta that was suppose to be sustaining and nurturing her.

I don’t think it was unreasonable to freak out. I have been waiting for 2 years for the Lord to heal my body, and I had assumed He would heal it before He put a baby in it. But He didn’t...so the same body that put Evelyn’s life in the balance and was unable to carry Theo, that body now houses a new child.

So I went and stood before the Lord and I told Him all my fears. I praised Him because I was excited, and I wondered at His curious ways, and I told Him I was confused and afraid and I didn’t know what to do about my medication or my emotions. And He listened.

He didn’t tell me what to do, or why He did things the way He did, or when He was going to heal my body...nor did He rebuke my fear. Instead He told me two things: He told me WHO He is and He gave me a hope to hang onto. He said something along these lines (this I will paraphrase), “I am the Creator and Sustainer of Life. This child’s wellbeing does not depend on your body’s performance, it depends entirely on Me.” And He also said (and this is not a paraphrase), “This child is for your joy, not your sorrow.”

And that has proven to be enough.

All the fears I walked into this pregnancy with flee before this truth--God is the creator and sustainer of life--and this promise--this child is for my joy, not my sorrow. The fear that my body could not sustain this baby fled at His words to me; the fear that my body had failed again when I started bleeding at 9 weeks--and again at 17 weeks--fled when I reminded myself of this truth and promise; the fear of heartbreaking disappointment fled with this permission to be excited; the fear that should have swelled up in me when my doctor listed off all the dangerous things she was anticipating could happen during this pregnancy could not take root in my mind; the fears that should understandably roll through my mind cannot gain momentum...and the whole things leaves me marveling at the work God has done in me over this season I am leaving. He has opened up new depth and understanding of His perfect love for me, and the result is shown in the fruit my life now bears: I have been fearless in this pregnancy. And any of you who know me well know this is no small miraculous work of God.


-------
1 John 4:10,16,18,19
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His son to be the propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him...There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear...We love because He first loved us.

No comments: