The struggle to adjust.

The question these days has been, “So how are you adjusting to Cambridge?” This is not an easy question for me to answer. I sat down today to attempt to do a little bit of processing as to why.

As a general rule, I answer questions honestly. Excuse the cliché, but I am an open book; I have nothing to hide and nothing to prove, I know Who I live for and before, and as a result, I am free to be open. That’s what makes this adjustment so difficult; right now, I am not an open book. There are things in my life that I don’t want to talk about, can’t talk about, or have no idea HOW to talk about. I am not in a place where I can welcome people of varying levels of relationship into my life’s story; because my life’s story at the moment is engulfed in a grieving process that brings to the surface not only my own vulnerabilities, but also the vulnerabilities of others. My openness is not, for lack of a better word, particularly “safe” right now.

This makes adjusting to a new environment and community difficult. I feel like I don’t know how to start or carry on a normal conversation. I feel stiff and awkward as I enter into conversations with new faces, and struggle to remember details they share with me or even their names. Where I naturally am at ease, I feel like I’m just stumbling along. It is not because I don’t desire relationship and friendship; not because I don’t get excited about meeting new people and enjoying the privilege of learning who they are; not because I’m shy or uninterested...but because I’m burdened by uncertainty of what to share about myself; because I’m limited by my lack of strength and joy to pour into the lives of those I meet; because I’m walled in by my own confusion and lack of understanding of where or how I am. What has been natural simply feels unnatural because I have not yet regained my balance.

So when I am asked the question of how I am adjusting, I say the only honest thing I can that won’t make them feel as though this new place or these new people have failed me...”I’m working on adjusting. It has been challenging, but I am actively trying.”