Sometimes I get confused.
I think there are elements of my walk with the Lord that are unique, and my interactions with Him often seem to fall outside of the experiences of the typical believer I meet. The strange thing is, even though I have always felt a little different, there are two places I feel completely comfortable: With my family and in a church. The reason for this is that I am CERTAIN I belong in my family (God put me there) and in the family of God (Again, God put me there). And so, knowing my position in Christ and understanding that God works in each of us uniquely, I have been able to freely worship with other followers of Jesus, whether we understand each other or not. I think that’s a wonderful thing, I have learned so much from others and I have shared a lot (because I believe God's work in each of us, from the least to the greatest, is for the edification of the Church).
But sometimes I get confused.
The first several years of my walk with the Lord (maybe four years), it was primarily just me and my Bible and the Lord. I was told a lot of stuff growing up, and also had it drilled into my head that no one else knew the Truth (just the church I was in)...this led to much fear in leaving the environment I was in, in spite of the fact that I knew I was getting a lot of wrong teaching. The thing is, when I started reading the bible, I saw things in the Word and felt things (like joy, for example) that were completely out of sync with the body of believers I was in. I had no clue how to apply scripture, because frankly, no one around me modeled what it looked like to read the truth and promises of God and let them change you and help you navigate the world we live in. I had no concept of any disciplines of the Christian walk (such as devotions, prayer time, studying the Word, etc). But I found when I read the Word, that my life couldn’t remain as it was if I chose to believe what I found inside the pages; so there I sat in the middle of my mess, clueless how to walk with Jesus.
But Jesus, He walked with me. I have clung to the Word through the past 12 years as I have navigated His Truth and the world around me; He has brought into my life all that I have needed for each moment and provided the tools I needed to grow from unexpected places and through deeply-personal avenues.
For example, when I left the church I grew up in, I was terrified that I would be unable to discern what was right (remember, I was told no one else knew the Truth), but the Lord led me to a new church using two key things: The first was that I recognized the deep and abiding joy I felt when I read the Word in the eyes of another believer, and the second was that through this person, He led me to a church whose teachings were saturated with scripture; everything they told me, they showed me where in the bible they were drawing their conclusions from...and it was such a comfort, my fears of being deceived were pacified as God placed me in a body of believers who taught me how to study the bible, invited me to pray with them, modeled what it looked like to be a disciple who was “in the world, but not of the world.”
Discernment; I have prayed fervently for discernment, I have feared fervently for the devastation I would attain without it, and I have read the Bible continually for 12 years so that I KNOW what is on the pages. Through hours and hours of prayer, I have learned to recognize the voice of God and the voice of the enemy; I sense the presence of darkness and can feel when it is dispelled by Light. I KNOW what God has done in me, with such certainty that it falls into the category of indisputable in my mind when circumstances arise that threaten my hope.
But lately, I have felt confusion.
There are people I deeply trust from various points in my walk with the Lord who stand against people I have encountered recently who resonate with a deep part of my soul. Why do they conflict when to me they stand together? I have noticed that the conflicts seem to arise between the scholarly theologians and the ones who delight to pray, it has left me wondering if maybe the difference in my understanding stems from the fact that I am an intercessor, not just a lover of the Word. Is one (or both) deceived? Has one idolize the mind and/or the other the heart? Or do these two camps only THINK they stand in opposition? Why are we not walking together and learning from each other so as to grow in our understanding of God?
I am confused. There’s one pastor I’ve encountered recently who puts into words different experiences that I have had with the Lord, it’s like he articulates things that no one has understood about me and the way God interacts with me, understandings He gives and how I got there. And my heart leaps on the one side, and staggers as others I respect scoff.
Lord, I just want to follow You. I just want Your Truth to be the guiding force of my life, transforming me to conform to Your will and ways and word. I do not want to be deceived; I don’t care about opinions, I just want Truth. Holy Spirit, You have come to live in me as a helper, faithfully discern for me, help me navigate this twisted world. I look to You, I cling to Your word, and I will pray until I hear, whether I turn to the right or to the left, “This is the way, walk in it.” YOU are ALL I want, I do not want to bank my life on sand, Truth is the rock on which I will not shake, THAT is what I want. I just desperately desire to honor You, keep me with You always. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
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