the realization of another loss

afraid to move
©3-9-13 hannah mclean

why do i hide?
do i hide from You?
or from another?
in my desperate desire for peace
it is as if i cannot bring myself
out into the open
for fear of what new burdens
i will be asked to lift.
i fear my muscles have atrophied
and i have not the courage to try.
skirting the outside
of my calling
i cautiously run my finger along the edge
wondering why i cannot bring myself
to leap in.
i have never been one to hold back
at Your requests
no matter the size or the impossibility,
and yet
though what You ask of me now
requires nothing from others
but only my own faith...
i falter.
why do i hide?
do i hide from You?
or do i hide from me?
perhaps i fear the toll of this past season
has drained me of the strength
to stand
when maybe You have only called me
to kneel;
i hold onto the testimonies of the past
afraid to allow new ones to form
for fear that i will fall
if i loosen my grasp
to reach for another.
i am afraid to look into the new depths
the new lengths
the new heights
the new widths
that this season has brought me to.
but why do i hide?
why would i fear Your love for me?

is it because of the pain it required
to bring me here?

i sincerely DO
want to know You
in this new place
i do not want to hide.
i just don’t know how to
open my eyes or
move my feet or
fold my hands
with the boldness i have grown
to expect of myself in days past.
and so i wait in the presence
of Your truth
for the faith to move.