Floundering thoughts

Discombobulated Considerations
©3-27-09 Hannah Muonio

My head is swirling with a thousand thoughts,
topics I would rather
just never crossed my mind;
Confusion has befriended me--
and not in a good way--
mixing the pleasures and the pains
until they’re a blended mess.

It would be easier,
I like to think,
if I just didn’t want the things I ponder...
but that just brings out another layer
to pile on the already discombobulated
jumble I have kept for consideration.

My heart and mind interact,
taking turns deceiving me.
Stupid heart.
Stupid mind.

So scattered is my concentration
I can’t seem to keep myself from floundering
arm and legs and head
spastic and stiff;
I want to push it all away
and yet, I cannot let it go;
I want to run until the horizon before and behind me is clear
and yet, my feet refuse to move;
I want to clear my mind and start over
and yet, I do not want to forget.

Things have changed.
I always thought the lack was hard,
and it still is,
but the visible and open realms that possibility
has presented bring whole new dimensions
to the confusion.

I desire to take things as they come
and only as far as I can see before me.
Rid of speculation,
expectation,
contemplation...
Freedom to consider and release
Freedom from my disarray of desires and realities.