The One whom we have pierced

“They will look on Him whom they have pierced.” John 19:37

This phrase from the book of John has been circling through my mind, my heart and my prayers; I have found it to be particularly moving this Easter season. Both the sorrow and the beauty of it have opened up immensely as I have prayed.

It is vital that we look upon the One whom we have pierced.

It is of immense importance that we take in the reality of our sin; absorbed by the sinless Son of God. The brutal picture of death the cross presents to us displays the brutal truth of what sin actually does to a life. We must look upon the One whom we have pierced; we must watch his blood run from his side until all has been shed and water joins the stream of red beneath His hanging body.

It is of immense importance that we take in the reality of His love; scripture says that only HE could lay down His life, it could not be taken from Him. He gave it. No one made Him set aside the glories of heaven for the dirt of earth; no one made Him sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane as He wrestled with the truth of what He was facing (the righteous becoming sin); no one made Him carry His cross or hang upon it; no one made Him reach the point of crying out as the Father turned His face...HE chose all of that. He chose to be the sacrificial Lamb of God. We must look upon the One whom we have pierced; we must be floored, literally weak in the knees, to take in the picture of what it looks like to love.

It is of immense importance that we take in the reality of salvation; we are forgiven, our guilt and our shame placed on the sacrificial lamb. We must look upon the One whom we have pierced...as many times as we fall, we must look at the One who bled for us, we must set our eyes upon our Savior and KNOW we have been made righteous by His blood. May His mercy be magnified as we live without condemnation.

It is of immense importance that we take in the reality of redemption; when He gave up His spirit there, the veil in the temple was torn from top to bottom so that all could freely enter into the throne room of God--eternal relationship restored. We must look upon the One whom we have pierced and draw near to the Father.

But the One whom we pierced didn’t remain up on the cross; He was wrapped once again in cloths and this time instead of being laid in a manger, He was laid in a tomb; and on the third day, He rose from the dead, VICTORIOUS.

And it is vital that we continue to look upon the One whom we have pierced; this Lamb who is now seated upon the throne, the One to whom all blessing and honor and glory belong, the slain Lamb who stands before the multitudes in heaven, the shepherding Lamb who leads us to glory by the Father’s side; this Lamb who conquered. 

We must look upon Him and believe. Because if our eyes end at the cross, our faith is in vain. They must follow the One whom we pierced into the glories of heaven.

Hosanna, King Jesus! What a Savior.

a singular cord

goodness, mercy, steadfast love

©4-1-15 hannah mclean

my heart and faith

twist and separate and blend

like threads weaving

across moments and circumstances;

faithful is our God

to pull these strands together

You are good

i know 

Your love transcends 

i know

Your mercy rises up to meet me

i know

You are steadfast and sure

i know

and yet

i see my faith fall short 

in application

yes

my heart believes Yours

for others

calling on Your measure

to pour with liberality

in response to 

Your love

all around i wait

with joyful anticipation

but i feel my heart

pull away

from believing Your heart

for me

too wonderful Your goodness

too generous Your love

i wonder 

i could say with my lips

will it crush my frame?

but the truth is

my heart lays out excuses

none of which are valid

to support 

my doubts

my fears

my disobedience

my disbelief

my distrust

insanity

runs deep to think

that i am more trustworthy

than You

You of goodness

You of mercy

You of love

You of stability

and even as 

i sit in sober recognition

i feel You

twisting the strands

tightly around You

creating a singular cord 

of formidable strength

for You are 

too good

too merciful

too loving

too sure

to leave me splaying

faithful is our God

to pull these strands together

"...and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God..."

Genesis 3:8 

“And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

forsaking the hiding places

©2-17-15 hannah mclean

sin revealed to us

a world of hiding places

we crawl into them

and cover ourselves

from Your presence

we curl up in them

to block out 

the sound of Your voice

oh, to be unafraid--

to be unashamed--

to look into Your face!

Lord, take away

my hiding places

let me walk in the light 

of Your presence

let me not balk at

the sound of Your voice

or shrink back from

Your call

i want to forsake

the places i would hide

and all that would

drive me there

that i could stand

revealed

in the revelation

of You

fools die for lack of wisdom

this dark night

©2-15-15 hannah mclean

my heart sorrows

as i look across the slew

of degradation

deceived minds

desensitized to sin

encased in evil and

unable to discern their end

a proverb rolls across my mind

“fools die for lack of wisdom”

no foresight

enslaved to things of earth

spiraling downward toward destruction

rejecting their only Lifeline

in the cause of exploration

indulging the flesh

oblivious to the stench 

of decay

i weep

what must our Savior think

what must He feel

as memories of pain endured

separation from holiness and 

Godhead

to become sin that 

we might become the righteousness of God

roll through His mind

i imagine that if He hung this moment

upon a rugged cross

blood soaked

He would look out at empty fields

for WHO WILL TURN to look upon the One 

who frees 

and makes whole

at a mere turn of our eyes

what sorrow must this slain Lamb feel

and fury

what fury must this reigning Lion roar

rejected glory

for this time of grace will end

and justice will come

upon the heads of the wicked

and though our Father

sorrows over all souls lost

He is holy

and just

and hell is a must

and so i look into the darkness

and ask my Lord to fill me with His Light

may it pour from my eyes

my hands 

my feet

my lips

that i leave behind a path that glows with hope

and shine before me 

a light that never grows dim

for Hope is greater

JESUS is greater

than this dark night

Discernment and other things on my mind.

Sometimes I get confused. 

I think there are elements of my walk with the Lord that are unique, and my interactions with Him often seem to fall outside of the experiences of the typical believer I meet. The strange thing is, even though I have always felt a little different, there are two places I feel completely comfortable: With my family and in a church. The reason for this is that I am CERTAIN I belong in my family (God put me there) and in the family of God (Again, God put me there). And so, knowing my position in Christ and understanding that God works in each of us uniquely, I have been able to freely worship with other followers of Jesus, whether we understand each other or not. I think that’s a wonderful thing, I have learned so much from others and I have shared a lot (because I believe God's work in each of us, from the least to the greatest, is for the edification of the Church). 

But sometimes I get confused. 

The first several years of my walk with the Lord (maybe four years), it was primarily just me and my Bible and the Lord. I was told a lot of stuff growing up, and also had it drilled into my head that no one else knew the Truth (just the church I was in)...this led to much fear in leaving the environment I was in, in spite of the fact that I knew I was getting a lot of wrong teaching. The thing is, when I started reading the bible, I saw things in the Word and felt things (like joy, for example) that were completely out of sync with the body of believers I was in. I had no clue how to apply scripture, because frankly, no one around me modeled what it looked like to read the truth and promises of God and let them change you and help you navigate the world we live in. I had no concept of any disciplines of the Christian walk (such as devotions, prayer time, studying the Word, etc). But I found when I read the Word, that my life couldn’t remain as it was if I chose to believe what I found inside the pages; so there I sat in the middle of my mess, clueless how to walk with Jesus.

But Jesus, He walked with me. I have clung to the Word through the past 12 years as I have navigated His Truth and the world around me; He has brought into my life all that I have needed for each moment and provided the tools I needed to grow from unexpected places and through deeply-personal avenues.

For example, when I left the church I grew up in, I was terrified that I would be unable to discern what was right (remember, I was told no one else knew the Truth), but the Lord led me to a new church using two key things: The first was that I recognized the deep and abiding joy I felt when I read the Word in the eyes of another believer, and the second was that through this person, He led me to a church whose teachings were saturated with scripture; everything they told me, they showed me where in the bible they were drawing their conclusions from...and it was such a comfort, my fears of being deceived were pacified as God placed me in a body of believers who taught me how to study the bible, invited me to pray with them, modeled what it looked like to be a disciple who was “in the world, but not of the world.” 

Discernment; I have prayed fervently for discernment, I have feared fervently for the devastation I would attain without it, and I have read the Bible continually for 12 years so that I KNOW what is on the pages. Through hours and hours of prayer, I have learned to recognize the voice of God and the voice of the enemy; I sense the presence of darkness and can feel when it is dispelled by Light. I KNOW what God has done in me, with such certainty that it falls into the category of indisputable in my mind when circumstances arise that threaten my hope.

But lately, I have felt confusion.

There are people I deeply trust from various points in my walk with the Lord who stand against people I have encountered recently who resonate with a deep part of my soul. Why do they conflict when to me they stand together? I have noticed that the conflicts seem to arise between the scholarly theologians and the ones who delight to pray, it has left me wondering if maybe the difference in my understanding stems from the fact that I am an intercessor, not just a lover of the Word. Is one (or both) deceived? Has one idolize the mind and/or the other the heart? Or do these two camps only THINK they stand in opposition? Why are we not walking together and learning from each other so as to grow in our understanding of God? 

I am confused. There’s one pastor I’ve encountered recently who puts into words different experiences that I have had with the Lord, it’s like he articulates things that no one has understood about me and the way God interacts with me, understandings He gives and how I got there. And my heart leaps on the one side, and staggers as others I respect scoff.

Lord, I just want to follow You. I just want Your Truth to be the guiding force of my life, transforming me to conform to Your will and ways and word. I do not want to be deceived; I don’t care about opinions, I just want Truth. Holy Spirit, You have come to live in me as a helper, faithfully discern for me, help me navigate this twisted world. I look to You, I cling to Your word, and I will pray until I hear, whether I turn to the right or to the left, “This is the way, walk in it.” YOU are ALL I want, I do not want to bank my life on sand, Truth is the rock on which I will not shake, THAT is what I want. I just desperately desire to honor You, keep me with You always. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Waiting for healing: Day 45

Waiting is a strange thing. It is strange to wait for something that seems impossible. It is especially strange to wait for that impossible thing when you have been given assurance that the thing you wait for will be. Does God ever do that with you? I could tell you of several occasions when the Lord has given a word of promise to me surrounding something in particular that I have prayed for or about...and then I have had to wait for His answer (once for a year and a half). That’s where I sit with my health at the moment. The Spirit expressed to me both His authority over my body, as well as a promise of health and wholeness. In the process of prayer and while sitting in the presence of God, He has revealed layers of brokenness related to my physical health that extend past the body and into the mind and soul...and I believe the Lord reveals these things only when He wishes to deal with them. He is very thorough, this God of mine. I look forward with joy to the entirety of healing He will bring.

And so I wait; every morning I get up and wonder if this is the day He will heal me, and every night I go to bed wondering if when I awake I will know health. 

And so I also wonder; how long? How long must I wait this time? Am I wasting this time of waiting? I am determined NOT to waste it, not matter how long. Thus far He has been faithful to sustain the peace He has given surrounding the mess of my body; He has allowed me to give over my attempts to control; He has quenched my creeping doubts, my tendency to despair, and my panic with His promises; He has held me up and given me the courage to talk to others about my journey and my hope for healing (this is HUGE for me...I feel like I lay my faith on the line with every conversation). 

Last night in my time of prayer, this line came to mind from the song “Faithful” by Brooke Fraser: “And as I wait for you, maybe I am made more faithful.” 

So there is my prayer for this strange time of waiting: May it make me more faithful to the One on whom my faith rests. Because every time I do not allow doubt to take over, every time I do not dwell in my despair and worry, every time I speak His promises in the face of my desire to gain control...I am saying, “I believe YOU, Faithful God.” And I think that clinging to the faithfulness of God produces faithfulness in the one who clings.

Praying for healing: Day 35

I have been very encouraged by this quote (from a great sermon) as I fight doubt surrounding my health by purposefully choosing to hope that healing will come: “We usually count victory by confronting and changing circumstances that we’re facing, but God counts victory when you pray again after loss.” Bill Johnson, An Unusual Victory

victorious waiting

©1-4-15 hannah mclean

i wait

i wish i could say with patience, 

but the peace i hold does not come easy 

nor is it due to lack of travail

as i cling to hope

with prayerful hands 

i wait 

my body sliding backwards

my spirit reaching heavenward

and yet 

i am victorious 

in this broken state

because where silence 

echoes back the wail of my heart 

i come again

and bow to pray 

again and again

i lay my head upon the Father's lap 

till His garments soak up my tears 

and His promises steady my shaking shoulders 

with Him i find

that in spite of every step i lose 

i know hope

i wait

i wait on Him to act

for without Him

i have nothing